This is an excellent piece of work.
Every idea was clearly transmitted in perfectly lucid English.
Its greatest fault is the weakness of the basic structure; the paragraphs look rather unplanned, with more than one topic sentence in some paragraphs -- but none of the topics properly developed.
This essay would have benefited greatly from a detailed outline that the author stuck to faithfully. It doesn't seem entirely unplanned -- just that the plan did not have enough detail, so that the author started to plump it up by spontaneously adding "this and that" here and there, more or less at random.
NOTE: In typing, type a single space after commas and semicolons.
Type a double space after colons and periods (and ? and !).
The use of these spaces greatly assists reading, because it provides additional visual cues to the punctuation (and thus the rhythm and meaning) of the sentence.
WRONG: ". . . the wealth of a nation.Others suppose that,in the modern world,education is considered . . ."
RIGHT: ". . . the wealth of a nation. Others suppose
that, in the modern world, education is considered . . . "
It is said that the health of citizens contributes to the wealth of a nation.Others suppose that,in the modern world,education is considered the most important factor in the development of all countries.In my view,I share the latter opinion.> There is no need to say BOTH "In my view" AND "I share the latter opinion. Both of these expressions mean the same thing
> I think the opening proposition would be more forceful if the order were swapped around
> People who are saying these things aren't really "supposing" them; instead, they are advancing their expert opinion, which is based on some kind of evidence, not mere speculation.
> "Others suppose that it is considered" is not what you mean to say. It actually IS considered that way by others -- and that is not a supposition.
> Say "Others suppose" OR "others consider" -- but not both
It is said that the wealth of a nation depends on the health of its citizens. Others claim that in the modern world, education is more important. It is my view that education generates greater national wealth than good health does.
First and foremost, educatio help to discover the brainy people.
> Don't use "first and foremost"
> education helpS
> but avoid "weasel words" (as they are called in advertising) anyway -- "helps, tries, seems to" Just say "Education discovers. . ."
> The real problem with this sentence is that it is a topic sentence that you did not draw out. You just abandoned it without developing the idea.
For one thing, education uncovers a nation's brainy people. Without education, a nation's brightest minds cannot capitalize on their talents, and their potential contribution to their country's wealth and glory will never be realized. Wide-spread general education allows a nation to find and develop its brightest people so that their potential does not remain untapped. In fact, without widespread educational opportunities, many geniuses may never be recognized at all -- even by themselves.
Full many a gem of purest ray seren
The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear.
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.
A country without highly-educated people,it cannot be considered a developed country.Because these people will be the main force who invent new technologies,give out breakthrough ideas.
> Don't use this "hiccup" in the subject -- where you write the subject of the sentence, then add a comma, and then re-write the subject as a pronoun.
> This is a bad habit of some uneducated and dialect speech. Examples:
- This kid, he threw my ball up on the roof.
- A country. . , it cannot be considered a developed country.
- My sister, she goes to your school.
> Just delete the comma and the pronoun and proceed directly from subject to predicate:
- This kid threw my ball up on the roof.
- A country . . .cannot be considered a developed country.
- My sister goes to your school.
> It is not that the country can't be CONSIDERED a developed country so much as that it won't ever get to BE one
> The phrase starting with "Because" is a sentence fragment, not a complete sentence.
A country without highly-educated people cannot expect to become one of the developed nations because it is the highly educated who create a country's new technologies and come up with its breakthrough ideas.
Furthermore those who are well-educated tend to work more effectively with complex machines than the ones have a good health only .For examples,developed countries such as US,Britain or Japan have a international reputation for their education system.
> This is a topic sentence that is not developed. It is merely stated and then abandoned.
> It is a good point but too shallowly conceived. Surely we have a better use for the Intelligentsia than having them operate machinery.
> The so-called "example" is not an example at all of the preceding point. In fact, you did not provide any example, and the sentence that starts "For example" is entirely unrelated to the preceding sentence. Just delete it.
> For example, not for exampleS
> aN international reputation, not "a" international reputation
> Anyway, they have international reputationS, not one reputation
> Their systemS, not system
> Each paragraph should be made to relate to the essay's theme: Education increases a nation's wealth
> Here is the paragraph as it might be developed with its topic sentence drawn out and supported by details and examples:
Well educated citizens create prosperity because they work effectively in managerial, technical, and professional positions. They make good use of sophisticated equipment such as computers, scientific instruments, and high-value industrial machinery. These are the people who staff a nation's universities, hospitals, laboratories, and bureaucracies. It is they who own and operate a nation's business enterprises; they who manage its large corporations and banks; they who develop its mining, manufacturing, and construction industries. Educated people are the ones with the know-how to establish international trade, to invest in the stock exchange, to encourage good government, and to plan for the country's economic future.
Continued . .