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  1. #1
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    Post Could you please give some comments on my essay?

    Topic:The wealth of a nation is said to depend on the health of its citizens.Yet,in the modern knowledge-based economies of the world,education is more and more being seen as the main force in the development of all countries.
    Do you share this view?
    Are there other factors involved ?If so,which?
    You should write at least 250 words.
    Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

    My essay:
    It is said that the health of citizens contributes to the wealth of a nation.Others suppose that,in the modern world,education is considered the most important factor in the development of all countries.In my view,I share the latter opinion.
    First and foremost, educatio help to discover the brainy people.A country without highly-educated people,it cannot be considered a developed country. Because these people will be the main force who invent new technologies,give out breakthrough ideas.Furthermore those who are well-educated tend to work more effectively with complex machines than the ones have a good health only .For examples,developed countries such as US,Britain or Japan have a international reputation for their education system.
    Besides that,education help to promote citizensí understanding and knowledge.It cannot be denied that the health of citizens is important .However,more importantly,each individual has enough wisdom to protect himself from diseases by being well-informed .Furthermore should there be competent doctor or good medical treatments,the citizens health cannot be improved.Especially ,well-educated citizens have more optimistic attitudes to life which is very essential to contribute to the development of their country.
    In addition to education,another factor should be considered here is the governmentís policies.It is suggested that a developed country have a good relationship with the other countries in terms of economy and politics as well.At the same time,investing into technologies and human training is also very important for a nationís development. All in all,the development of a country depends much on its citizensí education besides those factors such as health and policies of government.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Could you please give some comments on my essay?

    This is an excellent piece of work.
    Every idea was clearly transmitted in perfectly lucid English.

    Its greatest fault is the weakness of the basic structure; the paragraphs look rather unplanned, with more than one topic sentence in some paragraphs -- but none of the topics properly developed.

    This essay would have benefited greatly from a detailed outline that the author stuck to faithfully. It doesn't seem entirely unplanned -- just that the plan did not have enough detail, so that the author started to plump it up by spontaneously adding "this and that" here and there, more or less at random.

    NOTE: In typing, type a single space after commas and semicolons.
    Type a double space after colons and periods (and ? and !).
    The use of these spaces greatly assists reading, because it provides additional visual cues to the punctuation (and thus the rhythm and meaning) of the sentence.

    Example:
    WRONG: ". . . the wealth of a nation.Others suppose that,in the modern world,education is considered . . ."

    RIGHT: ". . . the wealth of a nation. Others suppose
    that, in the modern world, education is considered . . . "


    It is said that the health of citizens contributes to the wealth of a nation.Others suppose that,in the modern world,education is considered the most important factor in the development of all countries.In my view,I share the latter opinion.

    > There is no need to say BOTH "In my view" AND "I share the latter opinion. Both of these expressions mean the same thing
    > I think the opening proposition would be more forceful if the order were swapped around
    > People who are saying these things aren't really "supposing" them; instead, they are advancing their expert opinion, which is based on some kind of evidence, not mere speculation.
    > "Others suppose that it is considered" is not what you mean to say. It actually IS considered that way by others -- and that is not a supposition.
    > Say "Others suppose" OR "others consider" -- but not both

    It is said that the wealth of a nation depends on the health of its citizens. Others claim that in the modern world, education is more important. It is my view that education generates greater national wealth than good health does.




    First and foremost, educatio help to discover the brainy people.
    > Don't use "first and foremost"
    > education helpS
    > but avoid "weasel words" (as they are called in advertising) anyway -- "helps, tries, seems to" Just say "Education discovers. . ."
    > The real problem with this sentence is that it is a topic sentence that you did not draw out. You just abandoned it without developing the idea.

    For one thing, education uncovers a nation's brainy people. Without education, a nation's brightest minds cannot capitalize on their talents, and their potential contribution to their country's wealth and glory will never be realized. Wide-spread general education allows a nation to find and develop its brightest people so that their potential does not remain untapped. In fact, without widespread educational opportunities, many geniuses may never be recognized at all -- even by themselves.


    Full many a gem of purest ray seren

    The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear.

    Full many a flower is born to blush unseen

    And waste its sweetness on the desert air.



    A country without highly-educated people,it cannot be considered a developed country.
    Because these people will be the main force who invent new technologies,give out breakthrough ideas.
    >
    Don't use this "hiccup" in the subject -- where you write the subject of the sentence, then add a comma, and then re-write the subject as a pronoun.
    > This is a bad habit of some uneducated and dialect speech. Examples:
    - This kid, he threw my ball up on the roof.
    - A country. .
    , it cannot be considered a developed country.
    - My sister
    , she goes to your school.
    > Just delete the comma and the pronoun and proceed directly from subject to predicate:
    - This kid threw my ball up on the roof.
    - A country . . .cannot be considered a developed country.
    - My sister goes to your school.
    > It is not that the country can't be CONSIDERED a developed country so much as that it won't ever get to BE one
    > The phrase starting with "Because" is a sentence fragment, not a complete sentence.

    A country without highly-educated people cannot expect to become one of the developed nations because it is the highly educated who create a country's new technologies and come up with its breakthrough ideas.



    Furthermore those who are well-educated tend to work more effectively with complex machines than the ones have a good health only .For examples,developed countries such as US,Britain or Japan have a international reputation for their education system.
    >
    This is a topic sentence that is not developed. It is merely stated and then abandoned
    .
    > It is a good point but too shallowly conceived. Surely we have a better use for the Intelligentsia than having them operate machinery.
    > The so-called "example" is not an example at all of the preceding point. In fact, you did not provide any example, and the sentence that starts "For example" is entirely unrelated to the preceding sentence. Just delete it.
    >"The" US
    > For example, not for exampleS
    > aN international reputation, not "a" international reputation
    > Anyway, they have international reputationS, not one reputation
    > Their systemS, not system
    > Each paragraph should be made to relate to the essay's theme: Education increases a nation's wealth
    > Here is the paragraph as it might be developed with its topic sentence drawn out and supported by details and examples:

    Well educated citizens create prosperity because they work effectively in managerial, technical, and professional positions. They make good use of sophisticated equipment such as computers, scientific instruments, and high-value industrial machinery. These are the people who staff a nation's universities, hospitals, laboratories, and bureaucracies. It is they who own and operate a nation's business enterprises; they who manage its large corporations and banks; they who develop its mining, manufacturing, and construction industries. Educated people are the ones with the know-how to establish international trade, to invest in the stock exchange, to encourage good government, and to plan for the country's economic future.


    Continued . .

  3. #3
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Could you please give some comments on my essay?

    ... continued

    Besides that,education help to promote citizensí understanding and knowledge.
    > education helpS
    > Besides WHAT? The reader needs more orientation. "Besides producing a high-value work force, ..." <-- this phrase refers back to the previous paragraph's point, so the reader is always oriented within the essay.
    > Avoid the weasel word "help." Just say "education promotes citizens' understanding.." Whenever you see the word "help," work hard to find a way to delete it. It badly weakens any sentence it gets into.
    > The REAL problem with this sentence is that it does not mean anything. It has no meaning. Sentences like this get into writing all the time. Just delete them.



    It cannot be denied that the health of citizens is important .However,more importantly,each individual has enough wisdom to protect himself from diseases by being well-informed .Furthermore should there be competent doctor or good medical treatments,the citizens health cannot be improved.
    > This is quite a clever point
    > It is not well expressed, and it is insufficiently developed.
    > This paragraph got tangled up with the next one. This is its own paragraph because it is a complete and self-contained package about a singe topic. The next bit changes the topic, so it is a new paragraph.
    > Not both "However" AND "more importantly"
    > Anyway, don't say "more importantly." Transform that little expression into a phrase of some kind: "Even more important than health.."
    > or (as in this case) just delete it.
    > Wisdom, information, education, and intelligence are four different things, overlapping only somewhat. It is not "wisdom" in avoiding ill health that you mean to refer to (although wisdom does do that); it is "information."
    > The last sentence doesn't make any sense. Say either:
    - "Furthermore, WITHOUT doctors the citizens' health cannot be improved." or
    - "Furthermore, with competent doctors the citizens' health WILL be improved."
    > "Doctors" not doctor
    > Use the possessive apostrophe for "citizens' "
    - The health of the citizens = the citizens' health
    > You missed your chance to connect this paragraph with the theme of the essay when you didn't say anything more interesting than the health of the citizens is "important." What does that even mean anyway?
    > Rather than such a vague and empty remark, it would have been better to admit that the health of a nation's people DOES contribute to the nation's prosperity. Then you would have avoided an empty remark AND you would have connected this paragraph to the purpose of even writing this essay.
    > You have such a clever idea here that I think the point should be strongly developed.

    It cannot be denied that the health of a nation's citizens is a critical factor in that nation's prosperity. But wide-spread education is what is needed in the first place in order to produce a healthy population. For one thing, every educated individual is equipped by his education to look after his own health. He knows how to avoid diseases, and how to maintain his health through lifestyle decisions (such as nutrition, smoking, alcohol use, and many other behaviors that undermine health.) A well-educated person knows what actions make scientific sense when he does fall ill.

    Furthermore, an educated citizenry provides the manpower and expertise for a nation to establish the medical and public health infrastructure it needs in the first place before it can create a healthy population. Well-run hospitals, competent doctors and highly-trained nurses, expertise and equipment for insect control, testing and enforcement of the purity of food and water, laboratory diagnosis and discovery, and many other infrastructure measures are the route to widespread good health. This infrastructure depends on many educated individuals, so it seems to me that education is a prerequisite for the health of the people, who then add to the nation's wealth.


    In addition, all these personal and public pathways to good health are enormously expensive. Neither private persons nor the nation as a whole can expect to be able to afford them unless the country and the citizens are making money. So once again, it seems to me that education must come first. By the information it distributes and the wealth it creates, it is through education that good health comes within the reach of everyone. And wealthy parents can buy good health for their children because they can afford to give them healthful environments, good nutrition, and proper medical attention. In this way, each new generation becomes successively more and more prosperous.


    Especially ,well-educated citizens have more optimistic attitudes to life which is very essential to contribute to the development of their country.
    > You did not develop this idea at all.
    > That is especially bad when you introduce the idea with "especially" -- only to drop it without ever mentioning it again.
    > I don't think there's much to it anyway, so I think you should just delete it. It won't go anywhere even if you did try to draw the idea out.
    > A space always goes after a comma but never before a comma.



    In addition to education,another factor should be considered here is the governmentís policies.It is suggested that a developed country have a good relationship with the other countries in terms of economy and politics as well.At the same time,investing into technologies and human training is also very important for a nationís development. All in all,the development of a country depends much on its citizensí education besides those factors such as health and policies of government.

    > It's a shame to end this essay on such an unimportant "throw-away" point.
    > This paragraph really exists only because the prompt demanded it.
    > If I had confidence in the teacher, I would just delete it
    > If you don't dare to ignore a single thing demanded by the prompt, then I think this little passage should be relocated to the beginning of the essay, so that the paper ends with your strong point (that education must precede all these other desirable things.)
    > You could format the essay like this:


    Intro paragraph: "Many factors contribute to the wealth of a nation. Its natural resources, its climate, topography, harbors and rivers -- even the religious and cultural values of the people -- all play a role. Some experts insist that the health of the people is the foundation for national prosperity; others claim it is education that makes nations wealthy."

    New paragraph where you draw out the idea a little: "Besides education or health, one factor that strongly influences a nation's prosperity is the policies of its government. (adding more details and so on)

    Next paragraph: "But it is education that is really the foundation for national wealth." ---> then launch into the body of your essay, revising each paragraph if necessary so it touches lightly on your major theme: that education is the prerequisite, the forerunner, of all the other things that make a nation wealthy.

    > I'll edit this final paragraph as though it were the second paragraph

    In addition to education,another factor should be considered here is the governmentís policies.It is suggested that a developed country have a good relationship with the other countries in terms of economy and politics as well.At the same time,investing into technologies and human training is also very important for a nationís development. All in all,the development of a country depends much on its citizensí education besides those factors such as health and policies of government.

    Besides either health or education, the wealth of a nation depends on the policies and practices of its government. The government must pave the way for the activities and conditions that allow the people to work and grow prosperous. One way for the government to do this is by maintaining sound economic and diplomatic relationships with other nations. Good trading partnerships increase the wealth of both parties, while nothing can be more ruinous than trade embargoes or even war. Money squandered on national defense is money bled directly from the wealth of the country as a whole.

    Bad or weak governments waste and steal the economic resources of all the citizens. The government may be riddled with corruption, or be incapable of restraining insurrection and crime. Banking policies may be unsound, or tax revenue and foreign aid may be diverted to private hands. When the financial underpinnings of prosperity never reach the people who need them, a nation will stall out in its economic growth.

    In addition, governments must commit to providing the infrastructure that a developing nation needs to increase its wealth base. Roads and bridges; environmental pollution; reliable electric supply; clean air, food and water; schools and colleges -- all these and many other infrastructure elements are the responsibility of the government to construct and maintain. Without them, it is futile to hope for a wealthy nation.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Could you please give some comments on my essay?

    the essay is very good

    but I am very sorry because I have no time to give some comments on your essay

    I thank you for your post

    Good Buy (log out now)

    >>>>THE CREATIVE<<<<

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    Default Re: Could you please give some comments on my essay?

    Thank you so much for your detailed and thorough comments.
    I read them again and again and I learned a lot.Too many mistakes that I made.My essays have never been corrected elaborately like this before.
    I am really motivated to write and read more by these comments .
    Thanks again.
    Best wishes.

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