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  1. #1
    zhangray is offline Newbie
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    Default My National Day holiday

    help me check my assey ,thanks a lot.
    A good song is singed that: “having time but no money, having money but no time.” I have to stay at home in this holiday because I have lost my job and don’t have enough money for my vacation. Half and two years ago, I quit my job in Siemens, came to Shanghai and started a business with my formal boss. Unfortunately, the firm recently went out of business for some reasons. Smart phone design should be a good opportunity but we can not catch it, more serious is that my boss has to face to credit crisis at the same time. The company owes customers and suppliers a lot of debt, moreover, few months of salary of staff. Whole thing appearances suddenly and no one knows where the money gone to? Disappointment and depression around me a long time, what shall I do next step?

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: My National Day holiday

    Quote Originally Posted by zhangray View Post
    help me check my assey ,thanks a lot.
    A good song titled “having time but no money, having money but no time.” is sang this way (singed that): I have to stay at home during (in) this holiday because I have lost my job and don’t have enough money for my vacation. Two and half years ago, I quit my job in Siemens, came to Shanghai and started a business with my formal/former boss. Unfortunately, the firm recently went out of business for some/many reasons. Smart phone design should have been a good opportunity/opening but we can not catch it, more serious is the fact that my boss has to face (to) credit crisis at the same time. The company owes customers and suppliers a lot of debt, with (moreover,) few months of salary of staff remaining unpaid. Whole thing appears (ances) suddenly and no one knows where the money has gone to? Disappointment and depression hang around me a long time, what shall I do as the next step?
    Delete words in brackets.You can use the alternate words suggested at places if they sound appropriate and good to you.

  3. #3
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My National Day holiday

    A good song is singed that: “having time but no money, having money but no time.”
    There's a great song that goes, "When I have time I have no money; when I have money I have no time.

    (add)
    That's me.

    I have to stay at home in this holiday
    > the expression in this case is "stay home"
    > not IN this holiday
    I have to stay home this holiday

    because I have lost my job
    > delete "have." Just use the simple past here
    because I lost my job,

    and don’t have enough money for my vacation.
    > "and" is the wrong connection between the two ideas
    > Use "so" to express "as a result"
    so now I don't have enough money to go on vacation.

    Half and two years ago,
    >
    no comma
    Two and a half years ago

    I quit my job in Siemens,
    > no comma
    I quit my job in Siemens

    came to Shanghai
    > connect the actions with "and"
    and came to Shanghai

    and started a business
    > use "to start" to show intent or purpose
    to start a business

    with my formal boss
    with my former boss.

    Unfortunately,
    > don't tell people how to feel
    But

    t
    he firm recently went out of business

    > you just used the word "business," so look for a way to avoid it here
    the firm recently went broke.

    for some reasons.
    > "for some reason" means that you don't know why
    > "for some reasons" suggests that you know the reasons but won't tell us
    > Just delete this phrase.
    > End the sentence by putting a period after "broke" in the line above

    Smart phone design should be
    Smart-phone design should have been

    a good opportunity
    > add a comma
    a good opportunity,

    but we can not catch it,
    > wrong verb tense
    > we "were not able to" is the right tense
    > "grasp" opportunity, not "catch" it
    > end this sentence here with a period
    but we were unable to grasp it.

    more serious is that
    > new sentence
    To make matters worse,

    my boss has to face to credit crisis
    > face A credit crisis, not TO
    my boss is facing a credit crisis.

    at the same time.
    > delete this
    > end the sentence with a period after "crisis" above

    The company owes customers and suppliers a lot of debt,
    > you "owe a lot of money" or
    > you are in debt
    The company is in debt to customers and suppliers

    moreover,
    and

    few months of salary of staff.
    > use an exact number rather than "few"
    owes the staff four months' salary.

    Whole thing appearances suddenly
    > use a more exact word than "thing"
    This situation sprang up suddenly

    and no one knows where the money gone to?
    > this is not a question; end the sentence with a period
    > "has gone" or "went"
    and no one knows where the money went.

    Disappointment and depression around me a long time,
    I've been disappointed and depressed for a long time

    what shall I do next step?

    and I don't know what to do next.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 21-Sep-2009 at 21:07.

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