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help me check my assey ,thanks a lot.
A good song is singed that: “having time but no money, having money but no time.” I have to stay at home in this holiday because I have lost my job and don’t have enough money for my vacation. Half and two years ago, I quit my job in Siemens, came to Shanghai and started a business with my formal boss. Unfortunately, the firm recently went out of business for some reasons. Smart phone design should be a good opportunity but we can not catch it, more serious is that my boss has to face to credit crisis at the same time. The company owes customers and suppliers a lot of debt, moreover, few months of salary of staff. Whole thing appearances suddenly and no one knows where the money gone to? Disappointment and depression around me a long time, what shall I do next step?
A good song is singed that: “having time but no money, having money but no time.”
There's a great song that goes, "When I have time I have no money; when I have money I have no time.
I have to stay at home in this holiday
> the expression in this case is "stay home"
> not IN this holiday
I have to stay home this holiday
because I have lost my job
> delete "have." Just use the simple past here
because I lost my job,
and don’t have enough money for my vacation.
> "and" is the wrong connection between the two ideas
> Use "so" to express "as a result"
so now I don't have enough money to go on vacation.
Half and two years ago,
> no comma
Two and a half years ago
I quit my job in Siemens,
> no comma
I quit my job in Siemens
came to Shanghai
> connect the actions with "and"
and came to Shanghai
and started a business
> use "to start" to show intent or purpose
to start a business
with my formal boss
with my former boss.
> don't tell people how to feel
the firm recently went out of business
> you just used the word "business," so look for a way to avoid it here
the firm recently went broke.
for some reasons.
> "for some reason" means that you don't know why
> "for some reasons" suggests that you know the reasons but won't tell us
> Just delete this phrase.
> End the sentence by putting a period after "broke" in the line above
Smart phone design should be
Smart-phone design should have been
a good opportunity
> add a comma
a good opportunity,
but we can not catch it,
> wrong verb tense
> we "were not able to" is the right tense
> "grasp" opportunity, not "catch" it
> end this sentence here with a period
but we were unable to grasp it.
more serious is that
> new sentence
To make matters worse,
my boss has to face to credit crisis
> face A credit crisis, not TO
my boss is facing a credit crisis.
at the same time.
> delete this
> end the sentence with a period after "crisis" above
The company owes customers and suppliers a lot of debt,
> you "owe a lot of money" or
> you are in debt
The company is in debt to customers and suppliers
few months of salary of staff.
> use an exact number rather than "few"
owes the staff four months' salary.
Whole thing appearances suddenly
> use a more exact word than "thing"
This situation sprang up suddenly
and no one knows where the money gone to?
> this is not a question; end the sentence with a period
> "has gone" or "went"
and no one knows where the money went.
Disappointment and depression around me a long time,
I've been disappointed and depressed for a long time
what shall I do next step?
and I don't know what to do next.
Last edited by Ann1977; 21-Sep-2009 at 21:07.