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    #1

    movies or television

    Topic: How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

    Movies or television play a part and particle in our lives so they have a tremendous influence on our behavior. The reason is that we associate things in our lives with those look similar in movies or films.

    Watching television can be good for us. It gives us a broader window on the world. For example, when I saw the movie “The Godfather”, I learned about life in America, Italian immigrants and the causes of organized crime. It offered me a general view of family life and religion in America.

    However, unfortunately, some people, especially children are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities. After they see actors in the films doing stuff, they try to imitate them. And it causes serious consequences. A few children may jump off the buildings or set fire to burn themselves. Therefore, watching movies or television programmes confuses our mind and makes us depressed.

    In addition, movies and television influence our behavior because they make us less active. If we watch too much, we become unhealthy, both mentally and physically. Instead of doing exercises or going out with our friends, we sit in front of television’s screen in a long time and it makes us feel very tired. It may also harm our eyes because they are forced to work so much.

    Television is a powerful means of communication. It can influence us in both negative and positive way. So we should consider what is the best to adopt to our lives and societies from the screens.
    -------
    Can you help me to correct my essay ?Thanks a lot in advance :)


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    #2

    Re: movies or television

    Topic: How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

    Movies or television
    Movies and television

    play a part and particle in our lives
    > the expression is "are part and parcel of"
    > but delete this expression
    are a huge part of our lives

    so they have a tremendous influence on our behavior
    > This is the THEME of this essay.
    > If this is the theme of this essay, you must connect all the paragraphs that follow explicitly to this theme
    - - - - - - - - -
    The reason is that
    because

    we associate
    we identify

    things in our lives
    > "things" is too general, and tends to mean "physical objects"
    aspects of our lives

    with those look similar in movies or films.

    > movies and films are the same thing
    with similar elements in movies and on TV.

    Dear Student: Starting at the word "because," you have added an assertion which has now become the theme of this essay. According to you, the reason TV and movies play such a huge part in our lives is that we identify aspects of our lives with similar elements we see on the screen.

    The problem is that you do not make even one single attempt to support or draw out this idea. You just announce it -- in a location so prominent that it is forced into become the theme of the essay -- and then drop it, never to mention it again.

    I think it was accidental that this stuff about WHY movies are so impressive became the topic. I think your topic is that they DO have a big impact.

    That means that I think you should delete everything after the word "behavior" and resume at the next sentence below.
    - - - - - - -

    > You need a transitional sentence here, to tie the topic "TV can be good for us" into the theme: "Movies and TV have a huge impact"
    In fact, television and and movies are so influential that this impact has to be taken seriously for both its positive and its negative effects.

    Dear Student: Now your theme has become: TV and movies have a huge impact that is both good and bad.
    This is fine; just be sure that each of the following paragraphs refers back to this theme.

    --------------------------------------
    (second paragraph)


    Watching television can be good for us.
    > This is the topic sentence of paragraph 2

    It gives us a broader window on the world.
    > Television and movies ARE windows, they don't GIVE windows
    > You could say they "open windows"
    > It is not the WINDOW that is broader, but the view we have when we look out the window
    By opening a window on the world, television broadens our worldview.


    For example, when I saw the movie “The Godfather”, I learned about life in America, Italian immigrants and the causes of organized crime.
    > Take the trouble to connect this sentence with the assertion it is trying to support. > Make this sentence say that it "broadened your horizons," not just that it "taught you some random things." These two events are not the same.
    For example, the world-wide distribution of The Godfather gave millions an opportunity they could never have had otherwise to see some startling and unexpected aspects of life in America.

    It offered me a general view of family life and religion in America.

    > No it didn't.
    > Delete this as factually incorrect and logically improbable.
    ------------------------------------------------

    (third paragraph)
    > Now start a new paragraph with some expression of the connection between this topic and the essay's theme.
    But the enormous impact of television and movies has some negative outcomes as well.

    However,
    > delete

    unfortunately,
    > don't preach or tell people how to feel

    some people, especially children are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities.
    > get rid of the passive voice
    For example, movies and television portray dangerous activities as tempting and fun.

    After they see actors in the films doing stuff, they try to imitate them. And it causes serious consequences.
    > Very carelessly written indeed.
    People may try to imitate what they see on the screen, with serious consequences.

    A few children may jump off the buildings or set fire to burn themselves.
    Some children have even been known to jump off buildings to imitate on-screen characters or to duplicate their stunts.

    Therefore, watching movies or television programmes confuses our mind and makes us depressed.

    > The word "therefore" is inappropriate because "confusion" and "depression" are not the necessary consequences of what you have just said.
    > Just delete this.
    > If you want to open two new topics:
    (1) Television confuses people
    (2) television makes people depressed
    you can do that later in the essay.
    But these topics are not the logical conclusion of "tv is a dangerous role model."

    ------------------------------------
    (next paragraph)

    In addition,
    > This is not a good transition
    > Explicitly relate the topic sentence of this paragraph back to the theme of the essay: "TV and movies have good and bad effects"
    Another way in which television and movie viewing has harmful effects is by

    movies and television influence our behavior because they make us less active.
    making us less active.

    If we watch too much, we become unhealthy, both mentally and physically. Instead of doing exercises or going out with our friends, we sit in front of television’s screen in a long time and it makes us feel very tired.
    > You have a good idea here, but you didn't do a lot of work to phrase it well
    It's less exhausting to engage in active leisure -- especially with friends -- than it is to watch TV all day; it is less enervating to do productive work than it is to slump for hours in front of a television set. Long bouts of television watching are physically and mentally draining.

    It may also harm our eyes because they are forced to work so much.

    > Just delete this
    > This is an old wives' tale
    > As long as your eyes are open, they are "working" -- no matter what they are looking at

    -----------------------------
    (concluding paragraph)


    Television is a powerful means of communication.
    Television and movies are powerful means of communication.

    It can influence us in both negative and positive way. So we should consider what is the best to adopt to our lives and societies from the screens.

    > Your inspiration faltered when it was time to come up with a conclusion.

    Their influence is pervasive. And they have at least as much potential for harm as for good. Movies and television are, like the equally-pervasive money, excellent servants but terrible masters.

    DEAR STUDENT:
    If you are allowed to do so, I think you should change this essay to speak only about television.
    > Movies do not have anything like the potential for harm that television does -- tv is really poisonous.
    > Most of your examples refer to tv anyway
    > The references to movies feel like they were dragged in as afterthoughts
    > If you were ambitious, you could perhaps develop the theme that "Movies are good for us, but television is a horrible menace to society"
    Last edited by Ann1977; 23-Sep-2009 at 20:54.

    • Member Info
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    #3

    Re: movies or television

    Thanks very much, teacher. Your correction is very useful to me.
    I have corrected some parts of the writing

    Ever since movies and television appeared, they have changed our thoughts, and I believe that they have also influenced our behavior, both for the better and the worse.

    Movies and television provide universal entertainment and communication so they has to be taken for its positive effects on our behavior. By opening a window on the world, television broadens our worldview...

    ----------------------------

    What do you think about it?
    This is Toefl topic.
    Topic 7: How do movies or television influence people’s behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

    I don't really understand why "Movies are good for us, but television is a horrible menace to society".
    Last edited by san2612; 23-Sep-2009 at 12:24.


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    #4

    Re: movies or television

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Thanks very much, teacher. Your correction is very useful to me.
    I have corrected some parts of the writing

    Ever since movies and television appeared, they have changed our thoughts, and I believe that they have also influenced our behavior, both for the better and the worse.

    Movies and television provide universal entertainment and communication so they has to be taken for its positive effects on our behavior. By opening a window on the world, television broadens our worldview...

    ----------------------------

    What do you think about it?
    YES! This is excellent!



    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    I don't really understand why "Movies are good for us, but television is a horrible menace to society".
    TV rots the soul.

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