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  1. #1
    kira2nyc Guest

    Post Descriptive essay

    When all the pressure and worries about life are on your shoulder, there is always some place you can go to escape. Just by going to this one spot can relieve you from all the troubles and stress that is occurring. For me, the beach takes away all my problems. It is not just the beach, but the things that surround it soothes me.
    The first warm feeling of that wet smooth soft sand beneath my feet, seeking between my toes is comforting As I stroll along, I take in the calm and quite atmosphere that circles me. I then look in front of me, I could see the red light at a far distance flashing quickly to guide the boats to shore The only thing I can hear is the sound of the deep waves smacking onto the shore and then gently moving back into the deep blue sea. In that moment, I stop to close my eyes, feeling the wind caress my skin as it whistle pass my ears. As I sit there, I imagine myself as a seagull endlessly wandering in the wind without a care. I take in a deep breath, and inhale the fresh smell of the sea. As I exhale, I can feel the weight of stress leaving me. In that one little moment nothing else matters to me. A smile then rise upon my face, as I open my eyes to see those little bright shining stars on a night where there is not a cloud in the sky. All of these things are everlasting beauties that most people donít pay any attention. When I am there I feel like I am in heaven, relaxed and secured. The start of a new life is what I can see ahead of me, leaving the past behind.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Descriptive essay

    Quote Originally Posted by kira2nyc View Post
    When all the pressure and worries about life are on your shoulder, there is always some place you can go to escape.
    Perhaps:
    .
    When all the pressure and worries of life are weighing you down....

  3. #3
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Descriptive essay

    I thought this essay was grand. Nicely evocative, well-organized, with a good command of language. The author worked hard to include sensory details, which were sensitively described.

    When all the pressure and worries about life are on your shoulder, there is always some place you can go to escape.
    > usually you should delete "always." It can often be a sign that what you are saying is logically false.
    > Try to rephrase the basic idea
    When the pressures and worries of life are weighing you down, it's important to have some place you can go to escape,

    Just by going to this one spot can relieve you from all the troubles and stress that is occurring.
    (this sentence is better off if it is a continuation of the previous one)
    one spot that can ease your mind.

    For me, the beach takes away all my problems.
    > End the sentence on the word that matters.
    For me, that place is the seashore.

    It is not just the beach, but the things that surround it soothes me.
    > I can't see the difference between the concept "being at the beach" or "the beach" -vs- "the things that surround me."
    Every aspect of an ocean beach soothes me.

    The first warm feeling of that wet smooth soft sand beneath my feet, seeking between my toes is comforting.
    > "seeking" is such an unusual word choice that I think it might be an accident.
    > But if so, it was a lucky one.
    > too many adjectives for "sand." Delete the one or two most boring.
    The first warm feeling of that soft wet sand seeking between my toes is comforting.

    As I stroll along, I take in the calm and quite atmosphere that circles me.
    > quiet, not quite.
    > this sentence is so poorly developed that I think you should delete it
    > It's too generic to carry its own weight

    I then look in front of me, I could see the red light at a far distance flashing quickly to guide the boats to shore
    Far out at sea, steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.
    > Because this sentence has a "symbolic" or "significant" tone to it, it might be good to keep it in mind as a possible concluding sentence.

    The only thing I can hear is the sound of the deep waves smacking onto the shore and then gently moving back into the deep blue sea.
    > "smacking" really won't do here. You could possibly hear the sound of a small child smacking a jellyfish with his sand shovel.
    > "gently moving back" is not an audio
    > "deep blue sea" is trite
    > tie the observation into the main idea of the essay
    > Work harder to find a way to describe the sound of ocean waves
    The rushing of breaking combers and the small patter of laplets mingle with the distant mew of the gulls. It calms me to hear the swish and sigh of the retreating waves.

    In that moment, I stop to close my eyes, feeling the wind caress my skin as it whistle pass my ears.
    > "caress my skin" is too trite
    > "whistle past my ears" is excellent, because that is exactly what the wind at the beach does. But not when it's caressing your skin.
    > The frolicsome wind buffets and scours my sun-stung skin, and whistles past my ears.

    As I sit there, I imagine myself as a seagull endlessly wandering in the wind without a care.
    > I can imagine myself lifted on air like the gulls, wandering in the wind without a care.
    > Possibly "wandering" is not the best choice here. I think you should try to find a way to describe how the gulls tilt and rudder on invisible columns of air, far above earth-bound cares -- something like that.
    (I can't come up with anything fresh because my mind got jammed with memories of this excellent poem:
    John Gillespie Magee, Jr. - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    I take in a deep breath, and inhale the fresh smell of the sea. As I exhale, I can feel the weight of stress leaving me.
    > Possibly "take in a deep breath" and "inhale" are too alike for you to use them both.
    > "fresh smell" isn't good enough
    I fill my lungs with the vivid air, crisp with salt and twinkling with sparks of ozone. As I exhale, I can feel the weight of my worries leaving me.

    In that one little moment nothing else matters.
    (This is good -- just delete "to me.")

    A smile then rise upon my face, as I open my eyes to see those little bright shining stars on a night where there is not a cloud in the sky.
    > You just jumped from the beach to the night sky.
    > Just delete this
    > If this is a description of a night beach, you should stress that earlier: the phosphorescent curls of white lifting out of the black sea, the lonely whistle of the wind, the stars and distant beacons the only lights in the blackness, the moon road, etc.

    All of these things are everlasting beauties that most people don’t pay any attention. When I am there I feel like I am in heaven, relaxed and secured. The start of a new life is what I can see ahead of me, leaving the past behind.
    > It is not unusual to have trouble with conclusions.
    > A lot of the time, it's better just to end at the natural end than it is to stagger off with a lame conclusion.
    > In this case, mere luck got a good closing sentence (Far out at sea, the steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.)
    > But a perfectly fine end of the essay could just as well have been: In that one little moment nothing else matters.
    > It would sound perfectly fine to end it there.
    > If you need a hgher word count, you could talk about the sights -- "the creamy foam, the sun-spangled water" or the way the sun is an equal master of the environment (along with the water) -- the sun bakes your cares away, etc.
    > But you would put this "additional sensory detail" in front of the concluding sentence (In that one little moment nothing else matters. -or- Far out at sea, steadfastly-flashing beacons are guiding a boat safely to the shore.), not after it.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 26-Sep-2009 at 18:07.

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