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  1. #1
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
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    Post My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    The last summer holiday that I just spent is extreme interesting and fascinating. It's held in the first of this September. I & my eight friends, all of us familiar in high school (???), traveled to Phan Thiet. We visited many well-known places such as: Duc Thanh school, Mui Ne beach, Ta Cu mountain, sand hill... These places gave me so many memories.

    At first, we were off at 6AM and visited Duc Thanh school. This place was first school that HO CHI MINH taught before going to abroad save the Union. We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school such as: The history of school, How the Phan Thiet's citizens loved him. I was very surprised when I saw the tools of teaching were so simple and there were many fruit trees in the school.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    The last summer holiday that I just spent is extreme interesting and fascinating.
    > extremeLY interesting
    > "fascinating" is the same as "extremely interesting," so you don't say both
    I just returned from a fascinating holiday.

    It's held in the first of this September.
    > It WAS held
    > But you don't say "to HOLD a vacation or holiday."
    > This little sentence should be part of the next sentence
    On the first of September,

    I & my eight friends, all of us familiar in high school (???), traveled to Phan Thiet.
    > "my eight friends and I" usually
    > "all of us from the same high school" would be a way to express this
    I traveled with eight of my high school classmates to Phan Thiet.

    We visited many well-known places such as:
    > This is not the right use of the colon
    > It would work after "places" (omitting "such as")
    > or keep "such as" and omit the colon
    We visited many well-known places, including

    Duc Thanh school, Mui Ne beach, Ta Cu mountain, sand hill...
    > All the words in a proper name should be capitalized
    > the sentence does not need to trail off like that
    Duc Thanh School, Mui Ne Beach, Ta Cu Mountain, and Sand Hill.

    These places gave me so many memories.
    > This idea is too weak to operate as a conclusion to this list
    > Just delete this sentence

    At first, we were off at 6AM and visited Duc Thanh school.
    > This make it appear that you are going to list your tourist itinerary in chronological order.
    > But since you don't, just delete this

    NOTE: Relocate the last sentence here

    This place was first school that HO CHI MINH taught
    > THE first school
    > that he taught "at" or "where he taught"
    > do not use all caps for a proper name
    The Duc Thanh school was where Ho Chi Minh first taught

    before going abroad to save the Union.
    (This is fine)

    We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school such as:
    > This is not a good use of the colon
    > "such as" is used instead of a colon
    > End the sentence after school
    We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school.

    The history of school, How the Phan Thiet's citizens loved him.
    > now start this as a new sentence
    We learned the history of the school and how the citizens of Phan Thiet loved Ho Chi Minh.

    I was very surprised when I saw the tools of teaching were so simple and there were many fruit trees in the school.
    > It's not good to end the passage on such a weak side note
    > Instead, relocate this sentence back into the paragraph, as an introduction to your remarks about this school, not as a limp ending
    > One of the most memorable places we visited was the Duc Thanh School, which is surrounded by fruit trees. It surprised me to see how simple the tools of teaching were.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 03-Oct-2009 at 14:32.

  3. #3
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Continue:
    After visiting Duc Thanh School, we continued traveling to Mui Ne Beach. We rest a rest room near the beach. All of us had to live in it, actually that's not comfortable but we're students so that's so-so (I need a better explanation). After resting, we went to the beach and began relaxing activities in the evening, including taking a bath, playing football on the beach, holding some funny game in the water and taking some pictures. Especially, we had a delicious meal with sea food (I need a more emphasis ).

    In the night, we went along the beach, listened the sound of waves, felt the salted taste of sea that wings bought (more romantic) That feeling was so wonderful. Then we came back the room and went to bad at night.

  4. #4
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    After visiting Duc Thanh School, we continued traveling to Mui Ne Beach.
    After we visited Duc Thanh School, we went to Mui Ne Beach.

    We rest a rest room near the beach.
    > rentED
    > In the US, a "rest room" means





    Maybe you should say,
    We rented a hotel room (?) hostel (?) near the beach.


    All of us had to live in it, actually that's not comfortable
    It was pretty crowded with all of us living in it,

    but we're students so that's so-so (I need a better explanation)
    > so-so means "of indifferent quality"
    but we're students, so what else could we do!

    . After resting, we went to the beach and began relaxing activities in the evening,
    We had fun at the beach.

    including taking a bath, playing football on the beach, holding some funny game in the water and taking some pictures.
    > Arrange these in a more interesting order
    > ocean bathing is called "swimming" but here is where you "take a bath"




    We have lots of pictures of ourselves swimming, playing football on the sand, and fooling around in the water.


    Especially, we had a delicious meal with sea food (I need a more emphasis).
    > Dear Student: You can get more emphasis by giving more details. Please list and describe some of the things you had to eat. Say how they smelled, how they looked, how they felt in your mouth.
    > We had a delicious seafood dinner.

    In the night, we went along the beach, listened the sound of waves, felt the salted taste of sea that wings bought (more romantic)
    > wind not wings
    > That evening, not "in the night"
    That evening, we walked along the moonlit beach. We could taste the salty ocean air, and hear the "shush shush" of the waves touching the shore mingled with the whispers of the gentle sea breezes.

    That feeling was so wonderful. Then we came back the room and went to bad at night.
    > Don't end the paragraph on an anticlimax
    > The readers can be trusted to assume that you went to bed at night
    > Just delete this

    DEAR STUDENT:

    If there is going to be more than one paragraph, then the best way to write the first one changes a little. Here is how I would write the first one (from your previous post) as part of a longer essay, rather than an isolated paragraph:

    I just returned from a fascinating holiday. On the first of September, I traveled with eight of my high school classmates to Phan Thiet. We visited many well-known places, including Duc Thanh School, Mui Ne Beach, Ta Cu Mountain, and Sand Hill. Our first stop was the Duc Thanh School, in its setting of fruit trees. This is where Ho Chi Minh first taught before going abroad to save the Union. I was surprised to see how simple the tools of teaching were. We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school. We learned the history of the school and how the citizens of Phan Thiet loved Ho Chi Minh.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 01-Oct-2009 at 15:55.

  5. #5
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Dear Ann1977!
    Actually, I don't know how I should say. I really appreciate what you did for me. I was learned many things. Maybe there are many difference between VN culture and US culture so I still misunderstand some English words. But I'm going to try writing more and more to improve my English writing skill and using word skill.
    Thanks for your helping!
    Last edited by hai_lua_t2; 27-Sep-2009 at 10:44.

  6. #6
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Quote Originally Posted by hai_lua_t2 View Post
    Dear Ann1977!
    Actually, I don't know how I should say. I really appreciate what you did for me. I was learned many things. Maybe there are many difference between VN culture and US culture so I still misunderstand some English words. But I'm going to try writing more and more to improve my English writing skill and using word skill.
    Thanks for your helping!

    Sure there are many differences. People learning a new language expect to use the wrong word a lot. It must always be that way.

    I'm glad I am able to help.



    I hope you will write a description of the food you had at that delicious seafood dinner.
    > Don't just write "good, tasty, delicious"
    > Write "crisp, sweet, soft, tender, smokey, salty, sour, hot, creamy. . ." etc
    > Write "green, steaming, colored red and pink, piled up, blue bowl . . ."

    People LOVE to read about good things to eat.

    If you ever want to make your readers happy that they have read something you wrote, be sure to put in something good to eat!!

  7. #7
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann1977 View Post
    Sure there are many differences. People learning a new language expect to use the wrong word a lot. It must always be that way.

    I'm glad I am able to help.



    I hope you will write a description of the food you had at that delicious seafood dinner.
    > Don't just write "good, tasty, delicious"
    > Write "crisp, sweet, soft, tender, smokey, salty, sour, hot, creamy. . ." etc
    > Write "green, steaming, colored red and pink, piled up, blue bowl . . ."

    People LOVE to read about good things to eat.

    If you ever want to make your readers happy that they have read something you wrote, be sure to put in something good to eat!!
    Dear teacher
    I tried so much but I don't know about cooking much. So my cooking vocabulary is limited. I need more time to learn some example about cooking. Maybe one or two day I'll finish the paragraph.
    Thank for your proposal!

  8. #8
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Quote Originally Posted by hai_lua_t2 View Post
    Dear teacher
    I tried so much but I don't know about cooking much. So my cooking vocabulary is limited. I need more time to learn some example about cooking. Maybe one or two day I'll finish the paragraph.
    Thank for your proposal!
    Okay.

    In the meantime, please feel free to post a paragraph about the next place you visited -- Ta Cu Mountain, right?

    I'm dying to hear the details of your visits to such lovely and exotic places. I wish I could see these places too. I visit them in my imagination by reading your descriptions.

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    handsomea10 is offline Newbie
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  10. #10
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
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    Default Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    In the next morning, we had to get up early. All of us felt very tired because we walked and swam too much in the previous day. But that tired feeling was disappeared rapidly because we was going to be off Ta Cu mountain in which we were hopping so much. At there, we had a lot of memories.


    We went up the mountain by cable and were looked everything from above, were breathed fresh air. You know, we were in the cliff of Ta Cu, the fog appeared and the air became cool. This is the first time we were known how the feeling was in fog. It's wonderful. We imagined that we were living in the heaven.


    The cable in Ta Cu

    We visited many pagodas and statues.Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain. We also had many activities including hiking, taking picture, visiting pagodas and praying for lucky will come to us. With myself, I like playing with children in pagoda best. They were so lovely and naive... (more...)



    The biggest lying statues in Ta Cu

    We went down the mountain about 2PM after staying there over 3 hours. Normally, we were going to go down by cable as every body but we did not have enough money to rent cable longer. We must go down by our feet. Let you imagine, you go down a mountain which is covered by jungle just with 9 people. Nobody know you are there, nobody... If you must face to face with a dangerous animal, what will you do while you don't have any weapon to protect yourself? It's rain and you don't any thing can cover, the dark is spreading. You don't have a map so you don't know where is your destination, when you reach it... Slippery road just has large rock, you must pass them and certainly it can make you fall anytime. (I need to emphasize here) It look like an adventure that you usually hear in old stories, doesn't it? That's too dangerous. For all that, all of us spent things like that... also Like a old story too. Actually, we didn't prepare in this case but fortunately, it brought us so many emotions. Worry, scare when we were in the jungle, happy to cry when you reached destination(??? I can't express how my emotion is...)... (more emphasize here)There were many things to tell. It will take a lot of time to tell about the trip. Maybe I'm going to stop here...
    Where We walked is like this jungle

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