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  1. #11
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Look up ^^^ I reset the lines away from "centered" to "left margin."

    Dear Hai Lua ~
    This was EXCELLENT! What a good story! And thank you for the beautiful pictures.
    ~ Ann
    ---------------------------------------------------

    In the next morning, we had to get up early. All of us felt very tired because we walked and swam too much in the previous day. But that tired feeling was disappeared rapidly because we was going to be off Ta Cu mountain in which we were hopping so much.
    > Not "In" the next morning
    > the feeling disappeared rapidly, not "was" disappeared
    > we WERE, never "we WAS"
    The next morning, we had to get up early. We were still tired from all the walking and swimming we had done the day before. But we got right over it because we were off to Ta Cu Mountain, which we were eagerly looking forward to.


    At there, we had a lot of memories.
    > This doesn't work as a topic sentence.

    We went up the mountain by cable.
    > This works well as the first sentence. This paragraph is a list of acts in sequence, so the first action is the best start.We went up the mountain by cable.

    and were looked everything from above, were breathed fresh air.

    We breathed in the fresh air and we looked down at everything from our great height.

    You know, we were in the cliff of Ta Cu, the fog appeared and the air became cool.
    When we reached the cliffs of Ta Cu, the air got cool and fog appeared.

    This is the first time we were known how the feeling was in fog.
    This was the first time we got to feel how it is to be in fog.

    It's wonderful.
    It was wonderful.

    We imagined that we were living in the heaven.
    > in Heaven, not in THE heaven
    > Possibly you mean that it was how you imagine it is to live in Heaven
    > Or possibly you mean that you pretended that you were living in Heaven
    We imagined that we were living in Heaven.



    The cable in Ta Cu

    We visited many pagodas and statue.
    > statueS
    > too generic and vague, not worth saying

    Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain.
    (relocate this line down one)

    We also had many activities including hiking, taking picture, visiting pagodas and praying for lucky will come to us.
    > Just mention the most interesting things, rather than write a list
    We visited the pagodas and prayed that luck would come to us.

    (relocated from above to here)
    Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain.
    > "we saw" not "we were seen"
    At the peak of the mountain we saw the biggest lying statue of Buddha in all of Vietnam.

    With myself, I like playing with children in pagoda best. They were so lovely and naive...
    > "naive" may not be the right word
    > The sentence shouldn't really trickle off like that with ...
    > But in this case, I think it should sray
    The best part for me was playing with the children in the pagodas. They were so lovely and naive...



    The biggest lying statues in Ta Cu

    We went down the mountain about 2PM after staying there over 3 hours.
    We started down the mountain about 2 pm, after staying for more than three hours.

    Normally, we were going to go down by cable as every body but we did not have enough money to rent cable longer.
    We would have gone back down in the cable car like everyone else, but we didn't have enough money for the fares.

    We must go down by our feet.
    > This is not how the idea would usually be expresse
    > But really, I much prefer your way of writing it.
    So we had to climb down.

    Let you imagine, you go down a mountain which is covered by jungle just with 9 people. Nobody know you are there, nobody...
    Nine teenage girls climbing down a mountain covered in jungle. Nobody knew we were there, nobody ...

    If you must face to face with a dangerous animal, what will you do while you don't have any weapon to protect yourself?
    > "to face" is a verb but the verb you are using is "to come face to face"
    We had no way to protect ourselves from wild animals.

    It's rain and you don't any thing can cover,
    We had no way to cover ourselves from the rain

    the dark is spreading.
    and the dark was spreading.
    (NOTE: I don't think this is exactly how the idea would usually be expressed, but in this case, the novelty and charm of what you wrote deserve to be preserved rather then diminished by converting the idea into stock phrases.)

    You don't have a map so you don't know where is your destination, when you reach it...
    Without a map, we didn't know which way to go. We didn't even know if we were getting near our destination.

    Slippery road just has large rock, you must pass them and certainly it can make you fall anytime.
    The road was slippery and blocked with huge boulders. We were in danger of falling every time we climbed past one.

    (I need to emphasize here)
    > I made short sentences with short words.
    > I didn't use complex or compound sentences much
    > That makes reading fast and speedy
    > This is the kind of writing that best matches an exciting or scary event

    It look like an adventure that you usually hear in old stories, doesn't it? That's too dangerous. For all that, all of us spent things like that... also Like a old story too. Actually, we didn't prepare in this case but fortunately, it brought us so many emotions.
    > Don't slow your story down in the middle with reflections and philosophy
    > At least, not without a GOOD ARTISTIC REASON for postponing the end of the story

    Worry, scare when we were in the jungle, happy to cry when you reached destination
    We were so scared the whole time we were in the jungle that we sobbed in relief as soon as we were safe.

    (??? I can't express how my emotion is...)... (more emphasize here)
    > The way to handle this problem is to "TELL IT" -- not "tell ABOUT it."
    > Instead of saying, "I felt so sad," it is better to say "Tears slid down my cheeks."
    > Instead of saying, "I was happy," it is better to say "I laughed and sang all morning long, and as I went about my chores, a smile never left my lips."

    There were many things to tell. It will take a lot of time to tell about the trip. Maybe I'm going to stop here...
    > This weak ending is unnecessary.
    > You can just stop at the logical stopping place (what you did when you were finally safe)
    > Or in this case, you could use one of the lines from your "reflections" that got in the middle of the story (those thoughts usually belong at the end)
    It was like an adventure you hear in old stories.

    Where We walked is like this jungle



    The "cloud forest" biome is considered one of the most enchanting on earth

  2. #12
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
    hai_lua_t2 is offline Newbie
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    Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Dear Ann!
    At first I wanna say: Thank you so much. You must have been a very nice person so you do that.
    I so sorry because of my major. There are many exercises have to do, I didn't have enough time to review your response and also to study English. I'm a senior student. Assignments, home works... they are come continuously. Actually, I want to study English so much but I can't... I hope you understand for me...
    Student!

    Tis is an apology letter that I thought by myself.

    Dear....
    I really apology for that everything were happened. In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time, I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say. The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy. I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too. It's so difficult to overcome this hurt. That was such a stupid action, wasn't it? Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late. I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident. That is everything that I want to say with you. Please understand for me!
    Sincerely yours
    Hopefully, you're going to spend a little of your time to correct of words and sentences in this response. Have a good day!

  3. #13
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Quote Originally Posted by hai_lua_t2 View Post
    Dear Ann!
    At first I wanna say: Thank you so much. You must have been a very nice person so you do that.
    I so sorry because of my major. There are many exercises have to do, I didn't have enough time to review your response and also to study English. I'm a senior student. Assignments, home works... they are come continuously. Actually, I want to study English so much but I can't... I hope you understand for me...
    Student!
    Yes, I understand.

    LOL! Students don't ever have enough time or money!

    Quote Originally Posted by hai_lua_t2 View Post
    Tis is an apology letter that I thought by myself.

    Dear....
    I really apology for that everything were happened. In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time, I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say. The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy. I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too. It's so difficult to overcome this hurt. That was such a stupid action, wasn't it? Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late. I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident. That is everything that I want to say with you. Please understand for me!
    Sincerely yours
    Hopefully, you're going to spend a little of your time to correct of words and sentences in this response. Have a good day!
    This is a good letter, warmly emotional and appropriate. It captures the way people really do feel after something like this happens.
    --------------

    Dear....

    I really apology for that everything were happened.
    I really apologize for everything that happened.

    In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time,
    The fact is that I couldn't control my feelings at the time.

    I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say.
    I was too angry to keep calm, and I said things I should not have said.

    The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy.
    My words were bad, and I realize that I was wrong to say them.

    I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too.
    I know that you were sad, and that you cried. I was sad and crying too.

    It's so difficult to overcome this hurt.
    (this is good)

    That was such a stupid action, wasn't it?
    It was a dumb thing for me to do, wasn't it.

    Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late.
    Now that I can reflect on what happened, I am remorseful -- but too late.

    I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident.
    I don't expect you to forgive me, but I wanted to let you know it was an accident.

    That is everything that I want to say with you.
    That's all I wanted to tell you.

    understand for me!
    I hope you understand.

    Sincerely yours

  4. #14
    hai_lua_t2's Avatar
    hai_lua_t2 is offline Newbie
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    Re: My summer holiday (Please correct!)

    Dear teacher!
    This is the paragraph tell about good points of computer in barking. And I hope you will correct it

    Today, computer has been helping human in banking exchange so much. Many years ago, when the computer was not still invented, you wanted withdraw money your account, you had to go to the bank absolutely. Let you imagine, if you lived in a rural area where wasn't have bank, what would you do to withdraw money? You had to move a long distance to city far way to see a bank and clearly, in this case, that is too inconvenient and difficult for you. But now that is not exist longer. You can withdraw your money anywhere that you want and don't need to go to the bank by your credit card. Other hand, you don't also need to keep a lot of cash beside yourself. You just keep your credit card. If someone stole your credit card, he can't also have your money because it was protected by a password that only you can open it. It's so safe, isn't it? This is a good point of computer in banking. And there are many many other features that we are still unknown that computer can do in banking.
    Last edited by hai_lua_t2; 17-Nov-2009 at 07:31.

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