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    • Join Date: Sep 2009
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    #1

    Please give some correction on my essay!

    Topic:
    There are many different types of music in the world today.Why do we need music?Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
    You should write at least 250 words.
    Use your own ideas ,knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

    Since a long time ago, music has always been considered greatly essential. Actually, it plays an indispensable part in our lives. For many reasons, we are in need of music in our lifetime.
    The most common reason is that music provides us more than pleasure. Everybody loves different types of music. Some love pop,rock or jazz; others love intrusmental music or classic masterpiece but whatever it is, music brings them enormous comforts and endless inspiration. After a long day working hard, people just want to immerse themselves into their favourite melodies and release stresses of everyday life.
    Another reason for our passion for music is that it heals our souls. Nowhere is the feeling musch shown like in music. When we listen to a song, we can sense the writer’s emotion. That may make us sad or happy but above all we can find a great source of consolation. Music give us insight when we are pensive, relief when our souls are so weary and that life is so beautiful.
    There is nodoubt that music has an important position in our life. However another issue to be considered is as to whether the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays. The answer to this question is “yes”. Traditional music contributes to making unique features of a country along with factors such as lifestyle or history. We are now living in the area of globalisation, it is easy to comprehend that international music has a great effect on our tastes of music. Nevertheless,without preservation of the traditional music , anation will lose its cultural speciality.
    All is considered, true music always lasts and give us insight,r elief and raise our souls. In addition, it is also vital that the preservation of traditional music should be taken seriously beside being open to international music.


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
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    #2

    Re: Please give some correction on my essay!

    Hi, Van Anh ~

    This essay showed a high degree of skill in the English language. You could turn this in as an assignment to almost any college professor in the US with only trivial edits of the use of English.

    Its greatest weakness is in its organization.
    Although it is strongly organized in one way (it does not wander off-topic, and it collects all the thoughts on each topic together), there are the following problems:
    - the "reasons that music is important" are jumbled randomly
    - the organization was not well-judged
    - the transitions were awkward instead of smooth.

    This essay needed exactly two strong paragraphs:

    A) Music in general is important because
    (reasons)

    B) But the traditional music of a country is more important than the international music heard everywhere today.
    (justification)


    PARAGRAPH A:
    Since a long time ago, music has always been considered greatly essential. Actually, it plays an indispensable part in our lives.
    > It was a clever idea to begin with the ancient past of music
    > The idea should be developed a little

    Intro: For as long as we have been human, music has been a crucial element in our lives. Our first ancestors sang and danced and made musical instruments -- even if they did no more than beat out a rhythm on a hollow log. Topic sentence: And music continues to be an essential part of our humanity even today. Body of the paragraph stating WHY we need it: Xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx (see below)

    DEAR STUDENT: I think it is hopeless to try to sort out these reasons into "Reason 1)" and "Reason 2)". All the reasons you adduce refer to the emotional impact of music on the soul, so any division into 1) 2) 3) is going to seem artificial and wrong. I think these reasons can just be alluded to in some coherent order, all under the same heading of "Music is the food of the soul" or something similar.

    For many reasons, we are in need of music in our lifetime.
    The most common reason is that music provides us more than pleasure.
    > Not "the most common." Maybe the most "important"? "the best"?
    > You say that music provides us with "more than" pleasure, but then you describe pleasure
    > To work this up, you should say, "For one thing, music provides us with pleasure (give examples). But music gives us more than pleasure; it also gives us (whatever).
    > I just didn't think you had enough in any one category that was distinct from the stuff in the other category
    > For one thing, "pleasure" doesn't really work as a "category" because it is the only item in the group -- so it's not a group. It's a member of a group.


    Everybody loves different types of music. Some love pop,rock or jazz; others love intrusmental music or classic masterpieces
    > This list belongs in Paragraph 2

    but whatever it is, music brings them enormous comforts and endless inspiration.
    After a long day working hard, people just want to immerse themselves into their favourite melodies and release stresses of everyday life. Another reason for our passion for music is that it heals our souls.

    Nowhere is the feeling musch shown like in music.
    > This sentence does not make any sense

    When we listen to a song, we can sense the writer’s emotion. That may make us sad or happy but above all we can find a great source of consolation.
    > Being made sad or happy doesn't match "consolation"
    > If consolation is "above all," then you can't just drop the idea
    > Once you say it is the most important thing, you can't just abandon the thought and never mention it again
    > It would be better to leave out "above all" than to be stuck with trying to defend the assertion that the most important value of music is that it is consoling

    Music give us insight when we are pensive,
    > Hmmm. I don't think so

    relief when our souls are so weary and that life is so beautiful.

    > souls being weary doesn't connect to how beautiful life is
    >This section is jumbled and disorganized.
    > It sounds like you just wrote down any old thing that flashed through your mind, in any old random order
    > But it would take only a couple of minutes to look at the list of words you have used to describe the emotional impact of music and shape them up into a nice sentence or two
    > That would also let you stop working too hard to make an effect
    > To stop sounding repetitious and like you're making a list, you end up saying "above all" and so on, not because you mean it, but because it breaks up the list a little
    > The remedy is to do the mental work required to shape the list into one or two sentences that are good to read
    > Solving the problem of "lists" can be done with variety in sentence structure, subject of sentences, combining elements into one sentence, etc


    Body of the paragraph stating WHY we need it: Music nurtures the soul. Listening to music dispels stress and soothes away the cares of daily life. It is a consolation in times of sorrow and a boon companion in times of joy. Music also engenders emotions, and reconnects us to our spirit and the spirits of others. But the most important function of music is that it is an unfailing source of pleasure and delight.
    (NOTE: You can make this a new paragraph if that would make the printout look more attractive, more balanced, etc. Three short paragraphs all the same size might look better than one long and one short one.)





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    #3

    Re: Continued . . .

    PARAGRAPH B: There is nodoubt that music has an important position in our lives. However another issue to be considered is (OMIT "as to") whether the traditional music of a country is more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays. The answer to this question is “yes”.
    > This is an awkward and amateurish transition into the new topic
    Yet there is another function of music, one that is as significant as its power to raise our souls..

    Traditional music contributes to making unique features of a country along with factors such as lifestyle or history.
    > This is a good idea but badly expressed
    Along with a nation's history and its particular lifestyle, traditional music is an important factor in a county's cultural identity.

    We are now living in the area of globalisation, it is easy to comprehend that international music has a great effect on our tastes of music.
    > run-on sentence
    > too many words
    > just state your observation directly
    Globalization has greatly influenced our tastes, and international music is now heard everywhere today.

    Nevertheless,without preservation of the traditional music , anation will lose its cultural speciality
    >
    Nevertheless, traditional music is essential if any nation is to remain culturally unique.

    DEAR STUDENT: The essay ends here.

    All is considered, true music always lasts and give us insight,r elief and raise our souls. In addition, it is also vital that the preservation of traditional music should be taken seriously beside being open to international music.
    > It is common to find that you don't know how to get out of an essay
    > Just write what you have to when you are composing
    > But when you revise, look for the natural end, and just delete stuff like this
    > A tiny essay like this scarcely needs a summary

    DEAR STUDENT:

    You lost your chance to say something important here

    1. "International" music is a euphemism for "Western" music -- especially American music
    2. The consequence of this domination of music by American influence is that the traditional music of other cultures has been marginalized
    3. Maybe traditional music is even in danger of disappearing as a living art, and will soon be found only in museum-type settings, or classrooms studying ancient history

    OR

    1. Globalization is irreversible, so all music will eventually be the same
    2. But modern musicians constantly return to the well to drink
    3. Musicians have always reverted to the themes, tempos, and instruments of traditional music to refresh and inform their creations
    4. Art music and pop music repeatedly reconnect with folk music and ethnic music
    5. The musical instruments and concepts of Hawaii, Asia, South America, and Africa are now embedded into Western music
    6. Beethoven relied on the folk music that was available to him
    YouTube - Harvest Zhang plays Beethoven: Waldstein Sonata No. 21, Op. 53, First Movement
    7. The Beatles were strongly influenced by Asian music
    YouTube - Within You, Without You
    8. And Paul Simon is noted for specifically seeking out non-European musical themes
    YouTube - Simon & Garfunkel El Condor Pasa
    9. Sometimes this absorption of folk and traditional music into international and Western music is reductionist; sometimes the hegemony of international music is destructive to the natural evolution of a nation's own unique cultural identity
    10. But every nation has a cultural past that was different from its cultural present, and every nation has a cultural future that will be different again
    11. Cultural identity cannot be sustained by fruitless attempts to freeze the past or halt change
    12. Globalization of music has allowed music of all lands to combine, mutually strengthening one another. It refreshes and renews the artistic vision.
    13. There is no meaning to the idea "Is this music more important than that?" It's a non-question that cannot be answered.
    14. The world has a treasury of music from the past, and contemporary music is building up a treasury for the future.
    15. We cannot do without either one


    Dear Student:

    Your work deserves high marks for the use of the English language.

    But once you can write this skillfully in English, then it is time to move on to other considerations. Now you must put forth more effort to make your work thoughtful and deep, well-structured, worth reading for its own sake -- not just for the sake of sentences with good spelling and grammar.

    Your efforts now have to be in the direction of turning out work that is of college or professional quality.

    ~ Ann
    Last edited by Ann1977; 26-Sep-2009 at 23:29.


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    #4

    Re: Continued . . .

    Thank you so much for your straight comments and additional information as well.
    I have read again and again and learned a lot.
    Could you recommend me some websites that I should read so I can gain more ideas?
    Best wishes.
    Van Anh


    • Join Date: Aug 2009
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    #5

    Re: Continued . . .

    Quote Originally Posted by vananh90 View Post
    Thank you so much for your straight comments and additional information as well.
    I have read again and again and learned a lot.
    Could you recommend me some websites that I should read so I can gain more ideas?
    Best wishes.
    Van Anh
    Hi, Van Anh ~

    What I keep noticing about your work is that it is too superficial. It is like the work of a bright child -- it is easy for her to be glib, and her facile ease with the English language amazes others. But it also means she never learns to be any MORE than facile, easy, glib.

    Do you know the game called Family Feud?
    Family Feud 2 - Free Online Games

    In this game, you are rewarded for thinking exactly like everyone else. You are rewarded for thinking in stereotypes. You are rewarded for answering rapidly. The more common your answer, the higher the reward.

    But scholarship -- like any thoughts of interest or value -- is the opposite of what this TV show is promoting.

    FAMILY FEUD | .SCHOLASTIC ACHIEVEMENT
    ----------------------------------------------------
    stereotypes . . | .creativity, inventiveness
    - -------------|-------------------------------------
    react rapidly . .| .contemplation, considering, thinking
    -- ------------|-------------------------------------
    obvious. . . . . .| .insightful, surprising
    ---------------|------------------------------------
    commonplace. .| .original, unique
    - -------------|------------------------------------
    shallow . . . . . | .research, consideration, judgment
    - -------------|------------------------------------

    It's not about finding a website that teaches you to how to have ideas.

    It's about your intention to think it over, to do a little work, to dig deep to find something worth saying.


    • Join Date: Sep 2009
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    #6

    Re: Continued . . .

    You're right.
    I always try to make use of words and phrases in my essay and can't even concentrate on how to make it more thoughtful.
    I understand what you mean when mentioning Family Feud.I'm trying to think about how to improve my essay and sometimes I found it hard.
    In high school,my English teacher asked us to write essays.I was motivated then and wrote rather well with good ideas (my teachers said so).However, when being a student,I can't sometimes motivate myself to write and don't come up with many ideas.
    I trying to overthink after reading your useful comments and do my best to improve my writing.
    Best wishes,
    Van Anh

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