Hi, Van Anh ~
This essay showed a high degree of skill in the English language. You could turn this in as an assignment to almost any college professor in the US with only trivial edits of the use of English.
Its greatest weakness is in its organization.
Although it is strongly organized in one way (it does not wander off-topic, and it collects all the thoughts on each topic together), there are the following problems:
- the "reasons that music is important" are jumbled randomly
- the organization was not well-judged
- the transitions were awkward instead of smooth.
This essay needed exactly two strong paragraphs:
A) Music in general is important because
B) But the traditional music of a country is more important than the international music heard everywhere today.
Since a long time ago, music has always been considered greatly essential. Actually, it plays an indispensable part in our lives.
> It was a clever idea to begin with the ancient past of music
> The idea should be developed a little
Intro: For as long as we have been human, music has been a crucial element in our lives. Our first ancestors sang and danced and made musical instruments -- even if they did no more than beat out a rhythm on a hollow log. Topic sentence: And music continues to be an essential part of our humanity even today. Body of the paragraph stating WHY we need it: Xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx (see below)
DEAR STUDENT: I think it is hopeless to try to sort out these reasons into "Reason 1)" and "Reason 2)". All the reasons you adduce refer to the emotional impact of music on the soul, so any division into 1) 2) 3) is going to seem artificial and wrong. I think these reasons can just be alluded to in some coherent order, all under the same heading of "Music is the food of the soul" or something similar.
For many reasons, we are in need of music in our lifetime. The most common reason is that music provides us more than pleasure.
> Not "the most common." Maybe the most "important"? "the best"?
> You say that music provides us with "more than" pleasure, but then you describe pleasure
> To work this up, you should say, "For one thing, music provides us with pleasure (give examples). But music gives us more than pleasure; it also gives us (whatever).
> I just didn't think you had enough in any one category that was distinct from the stuff in the other category
> For one thing, "pleasure" doesn't really work as a "category" because it is the only item in the group -- so it's not a group. It's a member of a group.
Everybody loves different types of music. Some love pop,rock or jazz; others love intrusmental music or classic masterpieces
> This list belongs in Paragraph 2
but whatever it is, music brings them enormous comforts and endless inspiration. After a long day working hard, people just want to immerse themselves into their favourite melodies and release stresses of everyday life. Another reason for our passion for music is that it heals our souls.
Nowhere is the feeling musch shown like in music.
> This sentence does not make any sense
When we listen to a song, we can sense the writer’s emotion. That may make us sad or happy but above all we can find a great source of consolation.
> Being made sad or happy doesn't match "consolation"
> If consolation is "above all," then you can't just drop the idea
> Once you say it is the most important thing, you can't just abandon the thought and never mention it again
> It would be better to leave out "above all" than to be stuck with trying to defend the assertion that the most important value of music is that it is consoling
Music give us insight when we are pensive,
> Hmmm. I don't think so
relief when our souls are so weary and that life is so beautiful.
> souls being weary doesn't connect to how beautiful life is
>This section is jumbled and disorganized.
> It sounds like you just wrote down any old thing that flashed through your mind, in any old random order
> But it would take only a couple of minutes to look at the list of words you have used to describe the emotional impact of music and shape them up into a nice sentence or two
> That would also let you stop working too hard to make an effect
> To stop sounding repetitious and like you're making a list, you end up saying "above all" and so on, not because you mean it, but because it breaks up the list a little
> The remedy is to do the mental work required to shape the list into one or two sentences that are good to read
> Solving the problem of "lists" can be done with variety in sentence structure, subject of sentences, combining elements into one sentence, etc
Body of the paragraph stating WHY we need it: Music nurtures the soul. Listening to music dispels stress and soothes away the cares of daily life. It is a consolation in times of sorrow and a boon companion in times of joy. Music also engenders emotions, and reconnects us to our spirit and the spirits of others. But the most important function of music is that it is an unfailing source of pleasure and delight.
(NOTE: You can make this a new paragraph if that would make the printout look more attractive, more balanced, etc. Three short paragraphs all the same size might look better than one long and one short one.)
- For Teachers