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    #1

    Post Writing Body Language.

    I'm having trouble writing body language.

    “Look, What’s happened in the past between you and me, Is between you and me, kay,”

    I want to add a synchronized had gesture. To make it feel like his pointing back and forth as he's saying it.

    My character is angry in he's speech. The two characters have a lot of bad blood between them and have to put them aside for a third character.

    My attempts.

    “Look, What’s ever happened in the past between you and me,” his finger swaying, synchronizing his words, “Is between you and me, kay,” Michael offered reluctantly.

    “Look, What ever happened in the past between you and me,” Miguel’s finger swayed synchronizing his words, “Is between us, kay,” he offered reluctantly.

    They just don't feel right to me :) Any help in writing Body language would be extremely appreciated.
    Last edited by stacey; 02-Oct-2009 at 04:44. Reason: spelling

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    #2

    Re: Writing Body Language.

    Quote Originally Posted by stacey View Post
    I'm having trouble writing body language.

    “Look, What’s happened in the past between you and me, Is between you and me, kay,”

    I want to add a synchronized had gesture. To make it feel like his pointing back and forth as he's saying it.

    My character is angry in he's speech. The two characters have a lot of bad blood between them and have to put them aside for a third character.

    My attempts.

    “Look, What’s ever happened in the past between you and me,” his finger swaying, synchronizing his words, “Is between you and me, kay,” Michael offered reluctantly.

    “Look, What ever happened in the past between you and me,” Miguel’s finger swayed synchronizing his words, “Is between us, kay,” he offered reluctantly.

    They just don't feel right to me :) Any help in writing Body language would be extremely appreciated.
    “Look, What’s ever happened in the past between you and me,” his finger swaying, synchronizing his words, ... " This isn't right because "his" doesn't have a referent.
    kay should be 'kay. It's a contraction (unless he's talking to Kay, in which case, it's capitalised). "whatever" is one word.

    Here are some correct versions:

    “Look, whatever's happened in the past between you and me,” said Michael reluctantly, his finger swaying, synchronizing his words, “Is between you and me, 'kay.”

    With his finger swaying, synchronizing his words, Michael reluctantly offered, "Look, whatever's happened in the past between you and me, stays between you and me, 'kay.”

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