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  1. #1
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default people are living longer

    Please help me to correct my essay. Thanks very much in advance.


    Topic :
    In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the cause of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

    People in the world are now living much longer. For example, in Japan the average life expectancy now 86.05 years for women and 79.29 years for men. The number is much greater than that in the last few years.

    One of the causes that life expectancy is increasing is the agriculture. In the past, many people starved to death. They didn't have enough to eat but now with the development of technology, there are more and more food, that means there are far fewer people die of hunger. Take people in my country, Vietnam, for instance. In 1945, there were two million people starved to death. However, nowadays the number of people dying of hunger is much lower.

    Another cause is that people know what affects health. For instance, they know that taking exercises is good for them. A national campaign called "Exercise is Medicine" was recently held in the United States to educate doctors and their patients on the importance of regular physical activity for preventing disease and increasing longevity. Since then, more and more people take exercise everyday to stay more active and healthier.

    There is the last and also the most of importance, the evolution of medical science. A lot of new chemicals are now discovered. The technology is improved so there are machines that cure disease such as cancer, which used to result almost inevitably in death.

    In conclusion, improvement in agriculture, increasing awareness in healthy living and advancement in medicine are key factors to have a longer life. In the coming years, we may hope to see an even greater increase in life expectancy.

  2. #2
    pyoung is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: people are living longer

    Dear san:

    You have organized your essay well. Here are some suggestions:

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Please help me to correct my essay. Thanks very much in advance.


    Topic :
    In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the cause of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

    People in the world are now living much longer. For example, in Japan the average life expectancy now 86.05 years for women and 79.29 years for men. The number is much greater than that of the last few years. [Do you have any support for this statement?]

    One of the causes that life expectancy is increasing of increased life expectancy is the agricultural. In the past, many people starved to death. They didn't have enough to eat, but now with the development of technology, there is more and more food, therefore that means there are far fewer people die of hunger. [Here is a good place to give at least one example of the technological advances you cite as a cause.] Take people in my country, Vietnam, for instance. In 1945, there were two million people starved to death. However, nowadays the number of people dying of hunger is much lower. [Support? Do you have a number?]

    Another cause is that people know better what affects health. For instance, they know that taking exercises is good for them. A national campaign called "Exercise is Medicine" was recently held in the United States to educate doctors and their patients on the importance of regular physical activity for preventing disease and increasing longevity. Since then, more and more people take exercise everyday to stay more active and healthier. [Again, do you have any supporting evidence for this statement?]

    Last, and also the of most importance [or, 'most important'], is the evolution of medical science.
    A lot of new chemicals ['chemicals' or treatments or medicines?] are now discovered. The technology is improved so there are machines that cure disease such as cancer, which used to result almost inevitably in death. [For every statement you make in an essay like this, you must provide some support. What chemicals? What technologies? What are the statistics on cancer death rates?]

    In conclusion, improvement in agriculture, increasing awareness in healthy living and advancement in medicine are key factors to have a that result in longer lives. In the coming years, we may hope to see an even greater increase in life expectancy.
    I hope this is helpful,

    Petra

  3. #3
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: people are living longer

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Please help me to correct my essay. Thanks very much in advance.


    Topic :
    In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the cause of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.
    People in the world are now living much longer. For example, now in Japan the average life expectancy is 86.05 years for women and 79.29 years for men. The number is much greater than that in the last few years.

    One of the causes of increased (that) life expectancy (is increasing) is the agriculture. In the past, many people starved to death, because most of them never got (They didn't have) enough to eat but now with the development of technology, there are more and more food, as a result (that means) there are far fewer deaths out (people die) of hunger. Take people in my country, Vietnam, for instance. In 1945, (there were)an estimated two million people starved to death. However, nowadays the number of people dying of hunger is much lower.

    Another cause of this phenomena is the awareness among people, the factors (know what) thataffect (s) health. For instance, they know/realize that taking exercises is good for them. A national campaign called "Exercise is Medicine" was recently held in the United States to educate doctors and their patients on the importance of regular physical activity for preventing disease and increasing longevity. Since then, more and more people take regular exercise everyday to stay more active and healthier.

    There is the last and also the most visible importance of the evolution of medical science. A lot of new chemicals have been (are now) discovered. The technology is improved so fast that there are now machines available that cure dreaded disease such as cancer, which almost used to result in death inevitably. (You can do away with one adverb either almost or inevitably)

    In conclusion, improvement in agriculture, increased awareness in healthy living and advancement in medicine are key factors contribute to (have) a longer life. In the coming years, we may hope to see an even greater increase in life expectancy.
    You can also try this one. Grammatical correction of text has limits but there is no limit to modification of the style of writing. Delete word in brackets.

  4. #4
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: people are living longer

    This was well done. It was logical in its plan and it showed that the writer put thought and effort into this work. The organization of the points was excellent, moving from one point to the next in a logical way, and saving the most important point for last. This passage showed good judgment and intelligence.

    The greatest weakness of this passage is the incomplete and unhelpful transitions, often awkwardly phrased.

    Topic :
    In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the cause of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

    People in the world are now living much longer.
    > If you use this expression, you have to say "longer than WHAT?"
    People nowadays are living longer than ever before.

    For example, in Japan the average life expectancy now 86.05 years for women and 79.29 years for men.
    > Did you pick Japan because it has the highest numbers? That would be interesting to your reader. People like to hear about "the best."
    > I think that you can delete 0.05 years. You will improve readability while losing accuracy by only 18 days 6 hours -- not much out of 31,390 days (86 years.)
    For example, in Japan, the country with the longest life expectancies, women live for 86 years on average, and men for 79.

    The number is much greater than that in the last few years.
    > Not so. The number is very close to the numbers in the past few years.
    These numbers are the highest in human history.

    One of the causes that life expectancy is increasing is the agriculture. In the past, many people starved to death. They didn't have enough to eat but now with the development of technology, there are more and more food, that means there are far fewer people die of hunger.
    One reason for the increase in life expectancy is that modern agriculture can sustain more people.

    Take people in my country, Vietnam, for instance. In 1945, there were two million people starved to death. However, nowadays the number of people dying of hunger is much lower.
    > Don't waste words saying, "Take my country for instance."
    > Instead, just take it for an instance and say what you want to say.
    In my country, Vietnam, for example, in 1945 two million people starved to death. But now far fewer Vietnamese people die of hunger.

    Another cause is that people know what affects health. For instance, they know that taking exercises is good for them.
    > Use good transitions.
    Another cause of increased longevity is that people are learning how to improve their health. For example, (now the next part starts)


    A national campaign called "Exercise is Medicine" was recently held in the United States to educate doctors and their patients on the importance of regular physical activity for preventing disease and increasing longevity. Since then, more and more people take exercise everyday to stay more active and healthier.
    > This sounds like it was copied from an on-line source without credit given
    Be active: we all know exercise is good for you, but research is proving that the impact it has on your life may be more significant than you ever imagined. - Free Online Library

    There is the last and also the most of importance, the evolution of medical science.
    > The last and most important
    > Don't bother to say that this is "the last." The reader can see that
    > Use a stronger transition
    But the most important reason for the increase in the human lifespan is the evolution of medical science.


    A lot of new chemicals are now discovered. The technology is improved so there are machines that cure disease such as cancer, which used to result almost inevitably in death.
    > "chemicals" is not quite the right word
    > "Technology," not "The technology"
    > "machines" is not quite right
    Every day new drugs for the treatment or prevention of disease are developed. Technological advances allow us to cure diseases such as cancer, which used to result almost inevitably in premature death.

    In conclusion, improvement in agriculture, increasing awareness in healthy living and advancement in medicine are key factors to have a longer life.
    > delete "in conclusion"
    > improvementS
    > an increased awareness of healthy lifestyles
    > advancementS
    > factors for living longer lives
    Improvements in agriculture, an increased awareness of healthy lifestyles, and advancements in medicine are the key factors for living longer lives.

    In the coming years, we may hope to see an even greater increase in life expectancy.
    (this is fine)
    Last edited by Ann1977; 11-Oct-2009 at 07:46.

  5. #5
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: people are living longer

    Thanks once again, teachers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann1977 View Post
    A national campaign called "Exercise is Medicine" was recently held in the United States to educate doctors and their patients on the importance of regular physical activity for preventing disease and increasing longevity. Since then, more and more people take exercise everyday to stay more active and healthier.
    > This sounds like it was copied from an on-line source without credit given
    Be active: we all know exercise is good for you, but research is proving that the impact it has on your life may be more significant than you ever imagined. - Free Online Library
    Is there any problem with this online-source?

  6. #6
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: people are living longer

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Thanks once again, teachers.


    Is there any problem with this online-source?
    No problem with the source, but you can't quote it without citing your source.

  7. #7
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    konungursvia is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: people are living longer

    It is a good essay, but I think public awareness of health was always good in the Far East. The major factor was Western medicine: antibiotics, insulin, steroids, etc.

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