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  1. #1
    Jane91 is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Mobile Phones - a great invention?


    Mobile phone is a good technology which is not lacking from our lives. This report will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones.

    Today, mobile phone has become popular to everybody since it is very convenient. The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family and your friends no matter what where you are. For instance, you can contact easily to your friends by calling or sending messages everywhere without electricity. It is maybe the main reason why almost all people today choose to own a mobile phone. From the customer’s point of view, it is obvious that mobile phones assist you in business a lot, such as, make schedule of working, surf the internet, and keep in touch with their companies. Moreover, you can relax with mobile phone’s applications, for example, play games, listen to music, or chat with your friends.

    On the other hand, there are also disadvantages. Using a lot mobile phone can harm your brain, particularly teenager and children who are under 16 years old. If you use mobile phones too much, you will get bad effects like dizzy, blood-brain barrier, or ears problems. In addition, when you use mobile phones while you are driving, you will get an accident. It is essential not good for you and others. Moreover, “radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum”, has proved by many scientist.

    Owning a mobile phone in your hand is you can solve many issues and hold most of information around the world. Even though is not good for your health and you have to protect yourself from bad effects of mobile phones if you choose to have one.


    P/s: Plz help me to correct this essay since next week i'm going to do final exam. How can i reduce this essay because i should write from 150 to 180 words and this essay has about 291 words. Thank you for helping me.
    Last edited by Jane91; 03-Oct-2009 at 05:11.

  2. #2
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jane91 View Post
    Mobile Phones - a great invention?


    Mobile phone is a good technology which is not lacking from our lives. This report will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones.

    Today, mobile phone has become popular to everybody [This is an over-generalization: many people do not like them. Use "most people" or something similar] since it is very convenient. The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family and your friends no matter what where you are. For instance, you can contact easily to your friends by calling or sending messages everywhere without electricity. It is maybe the main reason why almost all [good, but still, is it true?] people today choose to own a mobile phone. From the customer’s point of view, it is obvious that mobile phones assist you in business a lot, such as, make schedule of working, surf the internet, and keep in touch with their companies. Moreover, you can relax with mobile phone’s applications, for example, play games, listen to music, or chat with your friends.

    On the other hand, there are also disadvantages. Using a lot mobile phone can harm your brain, particularly teenager and children who are under 16 years old. If you use mobile phones too much, you will get bad effects like dizzy, blood-brain barrier [the blood-brain barrier is simply the normal anatomical barrier between the bloodstream and the brain; it's not a condition] , or ears problems. In addition, when you use mobile phones while you are driving, you will get an accident. It is essential not good for you and others. Moreover, “radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum”, has proved by many scientist.
    [You haven't discussed the irritating effect on other people in restaurants, buses etc. from users shouting down their phones].

    Owning a mobile phone in your hand is you can solve many issues and hold most of information around the world. Even though is not good for your health and you have to protect yourself from bad effects of mobile phones if you choose to have one.

    P/s: Plz help me to correct this essay since next week i'm going to do final exam. How can i reduce this essay because i should write from 150 to 180 words and this essay has about 291 words. Thank you for helping me.
    R.

  3. #3
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Mobile Phones - a great invention?
    Mobile Phones -- A Flawed Invention?


    Mobile phone is a good technology which is not lacking from our lives. This report will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones.
    > Delete
    > See? We are trimming words already

    Today, mobile phone has become popular to everybody since it is very convenient.
    > phoneS have
    > popular FOR everybody
    > since THEY are
    > delete "very"
    Because of their convenience, mobile phones have become universally popular.

    The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family and your friends no matter what where you are. For instance, you can contact easily to your friends by calling or sending messages everywhere without electricity. It is maybe the main reason why almost all people today choose to own a mobile phone.
    > Reduce the word count by deleting the repetition of the same idea.
    > You have used all these words to point out that mobile phones are mobile.
    With them we can call anyone at any time, independent of a landline connection.

    From the customer’s point of view, it is obvious that mobile phones assist you in business a lot, such as, make schedule of working, surf the internet, and keep in touch with their companies.
    > "assist you in business a lot, such as,. . " should be "assist you in business by . . "
    > Don't shift from "we" to "you"
    > "make schedule of working" does not really carry a meaning
    > Surfing the internet belongs in the next sentence
    Our cellies keep us in constant communication with our families, our friends, and our businesses.

    Moreover, you can relax with mobile phone’s applications, for example, play games, listen to music, or chat with your friends.
    We also use special apps for listening to music, playing games, surfing the net, and text messaging. It's hard to picture life as it was before the mobile phone.

    On the other hand, there are also disadvantages.
    > Don't say both "on the other hand" AND "also"
    But there are disadvantages to the use of mobile phones.

    Using a lot mobile phone can harm your brain, particularly teenager and children who are under 16 years old.
    > using mobile phones a lot can harm your brain
    > spell out the number 16 as a word
    Using mobile phones is said to be harmful to the brain, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen.

    If you use mobile phones too much, you will get bad effects like dizzy, blood-brain barrier, or ears problems.
    > Blood-brain barrier is not a harmful effect. It is a part of the body.
    Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness,
    (NOTE: Connect this sentence with the one after the next)

    In addition, when you use mobile phones while you are driving, you will get an accident.
    > get IN an accident
    (NOTE: Move this part to after the next one)
    And drivers distracted by talking on their cell phones are more likely to get into car crashes.

    Moreover, “radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum”, has proved by many scientist.
    > It has not been proved by many scientists.
    and "radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum," says (person's name and title.)
    (NOTE: Attach this after the word "dizziness" in the sentence above)

    It is essential not good for you and others. Owning a mobile phone in your hand is you can solve many issues and hold most of information around the world. Even though is not good for your health and you have to protect yourself from bad effects of mobile phones if you choose to have one.
    > This little summary is disorganized and poorly thought out.
    Mobile phones solve problems and provide new channels of communication. We can access all the world's information no matter where we are, just by using a device small enough to fit into one hand.

    But be careful -- mobile phones might also be bad for you!


    P/s: Plz help me to correct this essay since next week i'm going to do final exam. How can i reduce this essay because i should write from 150 to 180 words and this essay has about 291 words. Thank you for helping me.

    I ran this through a Word doc to get a word count. This comes in at 190 words.

    Because of their convenience, mobile phones have become universally popular. With them we can call anyone at any time, independent of a landline connection. Our cellies keep us in constant communication with our families, our friends, and our businesses. We also use special apps for listening to music, playing games, surfing the net, and text messaging. It's hard to picture life as it was before the mobile phone.

    But there are disadvantages to the use of mobile phones. Using mobile phones is said to be harmful to the brain, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen. Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum," says (person's name and title.) And drivers distracted by talking on their cell phones are more likely to get into car crashes.

    Mobile phones solve problems and provide new channels of communication. We can access all the world's information no matter where we are, just by using a device small enough to fit into one hand.

    But be careful -- mobile phones might also be bad for you!

  4. #4
    Jane91 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    can i use this sentence in conclusion?
    In conclusion, mobiles are a great invention since there were 950 million mobile phones sold last year alone. However, you have to protect yourself from the bad effects if you choose to have one.
    Last edited by Jane91; 04-Oct-2009 at 05:25.

  5. #5
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jane91 View Post
    can i use this sentence in conclusion?
    In conclusion, mobiles are a great invention since there were 950 million mobile phones sold last year alone. However, you have to protect yourself from the bad effects if you choose to have one.
    No, you can't use this in conclusion. It's awful.

    > It just limps along to a weak and dull ending. It doesn't "wrap up" the stuff that was already said; it just repeats it -- only this time in a boring and lifeless manner.

    > The logic is faulty. Mobiles are a great invention SINCE there were so many sold? How do large sales cause something to be a great invention? Large sales might PROVE that it's a great invention -- or at least a popular one -- but that's not what the sentence has said.

    > Readers don't need a "conclusion" after reading 190 easy words covering two easy concepts -- not unless they are attending Special School.

    > and that goes DOUBLE for such a dull, pluggy, lifeless, boring, limp and weak "conclusion" (repetition is more like it) as this one.

  6. #6
    Jane91 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    I rewrite it. Could you check for me, please? Im studying intermediate. I try my best but there are lots of mistakes so I really need your help to improve my English. Thank for helping me.

    Almost everybody has a mobile phone. But is it a great invention? I think there are both advantages and disadvantages.

    Today, mobile phones have become popular to everybody since they are convenient. The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family, your friends, and your business no matter what where you are. We also use special applications for listening music, playing games, surfing the net, and texting messages.

    Besides that, there are lots of disadvantages. Using mobile phones can harm our brains, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen. Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emmitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum" , say many scientists. In addition, when we use mobile phones while we are driving, we will get in an accident.

    In summary, mobiles are a great invention but they still have many issues. You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one.

  7. #7
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Most of the problems with this essay are not related to the grammatical use of English. That is fine.

    It's not uncommon for people to revert to babytalk and infantile ideas when they are aware that their vocabulary is limited.

    Resist that tendency.

    This essay was not worth reading, and only partly because the assigned topic makes it hard to come up with anything worthwhile to say. It makes it hard -- but not impossible. You should have done more work to express these banal ideas in a more appealing way -- varied sentence structure, maybe, and a spicier vocabulary.



    Almost everybody has a mobile phone. But is it a great invention? I think there are both advantages and disadvantages.
    > This is a poor intro. It has no life, no "snap." It doesn't draw the reader in. It is plodding, obvious, and dull.
    > For a tiny piece like this one, the opening sentence should be what is called a "hook." A hook grabs the reader's attention and makes him want to read the following passage.
    > Until you do the mental work to come up with an intro that is a "hook," don't bother to write one at all. A bad intro is worse than none.
    > Delete these sentences

    Today, mobile phones have become popular to everybody since they are convenient.
    > It's not easy to come up with something interesting to say when the material is self-evident.
    > But don't make it worse by using the most stodgy and boring sentence structure available.
    Because of the great convenience of mobile phones, they are now a modern-day must-have -- the 21st century equivalent of a businessman's fountain pen.

    The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family, your friends, and your business no matter what where you are.
    > If you must say the self-evident, at least try to make the expression fresh or lively.
    Jetting to Europe or stalled in traffic, with your mobile phone you're always in touch with your family, your friends, and your business.

    We also use special applications for listening music, playing games, surfing the net, and texting messages.
    > The problem with writing down something that everyone already knows is that it makes it sound like you are writing a story for people who are six years old.
    > It is crucial that you remove that problem by saying these infantile things in a spicy or interesting way.
    Special apps for texting, listening to music, playing games, and surfing the web keep our phones plugged into our heads around the clock.

    Besides that,
    > "Besides that" means "in addition to that"
    > You use "besides that" when you are going to add more of the same
    > But in this case, you are not adding more of the same
    > You are turning the direction of your remarks around
    > For that use, the correct conjunction is "but"
    But

    there are lots of disadvantages.
    > This ends rather abruptly
    > for a better transition, add something more
    be careful. There are also some disadvantages to using our beloved cellies.


    Using mobile phones can harm our brains, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen.
    > Unless "we" are all under the age of 16, it is better to refer to it as "the brain," rather than "our brains."
    > Since this is far from a known fact, it is better to place the data in the opinions of SOME people
    Some researchers have claimed that mobile phones are harmful to the brain, especially for children.

    Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emmitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum" , say many scientists.
    > "Many" scientists do not say this, and it is no doubt scientifically false
    > ONE scientist said this
    > He even used a slang expression in his quote: "dead harmful" is not standard English; it is a personal idiosyncrasy of speech.
    > The remark is in quotation marks, which means that it is a direct quote directly from the mouth of a specific person
    > "Many scientists" did not stand up all at once and chant this line, so you can't attribute a specific utterance to a group.
    > If you don't know his name, you can write "according to a publicity-seeking quack quoted in a tabloid journal of bad repute" or something like that
    > "emitted" is spelled wrong
    Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum," according to one researcher in the field.

    In addition, when we use mobile phones while we are driving, we will get in an accident.
    > This is logically false, and the ridiculous and simplistic nature of statements like this contribute to making this piece infantile
    > Using cell phones probably increases the risk of accidents
    > It is now considered un-PC to call them "accidents" on the grounds that they are caused by avoidable driver misconduct
    > traffic accidents are now called "car crashes"
    In addition, using a mobile phone while driving hikes the risk of getting into a car crash.

    In summary, mobiles are a great in
    vention but they still have many issues. You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one.
    > Just delete this on the grounds that it is not adding a single thing that would repay the reader the trouble of seeing it.
    > It is not interesting, amusing, entertaining, informative, new, or any of the millions of other reasons why we might read something.
    > Do some mental work to think of "What would be good to say in conclusion? What can I say to wrap this up that would be good to read?"
    > A teeny piece like this, with almost no ideas in it, does not need a "summary."
    > You might give it a "conclusion" just so it doesn't end so abruptly
    > But a conclusion is not just a dull repeat of the self-evident and dull stuff that we JUST HEARD 15 SECONDS AGO!!!
    > Not unless you are writing for people who are 6.
    > You can't say "they have issues." It's ridiculous.

    > Think of some interesting way to CLOSE the passage, not "summarize" it.

  8. #8
    Jane91 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Thank you for helping me. I know my writing is terrible and not thoughtful. Im trying to write better but i cant write well even in vietnamese. Could you tell me any website to improve writing?
    Thank for your proposal !

  9. #9
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jane91 View Post
    Thank you for helping me. I know my writing is terrible and not thoughtful. Im trying to write better but i cant write well even in vietnamese. Could you tell me any website to improve writing?
    Thank for your proposal !
    Jane! Look! Look up ^^^^

    Do you see what you wrote to me?

    It was FINE! It was GOOD! I was INTERESTED IN reading it!!

    If you work VERY HARD to let your writing sound like talking, you will do 1000 times better.
    ------------------------------------------

    But that is hard work, I promise you.

    1)) You have to listen to your own voice inside your head as you imagine yourself speaking to someone else.

    2) And it has to be authentic and unself-conscious. You have to forget that you're listening to yourself, and forget that your imaginary conversation is for a purpose.

    3) And then you have to "memorize" your natural words for the time it takes to write them down

    4) And then you have to forget that you are "Writing a Composition." You have to trick your brain into becoming just a tape recorder for the natural language you are going to capture on paper.
    ----------------------------------------------------------

    Something weird happens to people when they start to write. Suddenly the way they talk disappears and some other kind of thing takes control of their minds.

    Consider this story: A policeman is investigating the discovery of dead bodies drained of all their blood. In the middle of the night he trails a suspect to a deserted house. He has to go inside all by himself.

    An American student writes like this:
    "I ambled up the dark pathway to the abandoned abode. I proceeded to open the entry portal. Once I gained admittance to the interior of the domicile, I started to observe that something was amiss."

    A Vietnamese student writes like this:
    "I was going up the sidewalk. It was dark outside because it was night and the sun had gone down. I walked up three steps, first the bottom step, then I put my foot on the next step, and then finally I was standing on the top step."

    This is what is SHOULD say:
    "I went down that creepy path with my heartbeat surging in my throat. The minute I got inside I smelled vampires."
    -----------------------------------------------

    - Writing is not a miserable experience to be suffered through, like going to the dentist.

    - It isn't like the write-up of a science "experiment:"
    1) First I added 2g of starch to a test tube
    2) Then I added 10 cc of saliva to the starch in the test tube
    3) Then I mixed them together
    4) Then I put the test tube containing the starch-saliva mixture aside for 10 minutes

    For your purposes, if you will dedicate yourself to writing down WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SAID ALOUD in natural speech to a friend, your writing will be somewhere between "good" and "excellent."
    ------------------------------------------------------

    My dear old English language student, somehow I doubt that if you were chatting with your friends, you would ever really REALLY say out loud, "You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one."

    What would you really say? For me, I would really REALLY say, "Yeah but look out too because they can hurt you."

    -
    Since that is what I would really really say, that is what I write down.
    - Then when I edit it, I change it just enough to allow for the difference between spoken speech and the conventions of writing:
    "Yeah but look out too because they can hurt you" becomes
    "Sure, mobiles are fun, but look out -- they can be bad for you too." (or something similar)
    On the first edit I did for this passage, this idea came out like this:
    But be careful -- mobile phones might also be bad for you!
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Why not practice with this:

    Please write down the EXACT WORDS you would actually use if you were chatting with your friends in this conversation:

    Your friend says, "Look, everyone! I got a new cellie! It's sooo fab! I ADORE it!"
    Your other friend says to you: "Hey Jane -- ever wonder why people love their mobile phones so much?"

    What do you say ( -- SAY -- in SPOKEN WORDS -- to your FRIENDS -- ) to transmit the following ideas:
    The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family and your friends no matter what where you are. For instance, you can contact easily to your friends by calling or sending messages everywhere without electricity. It is maybe the main reason why almost all people today choose to own a mobile phone.
    Mobiles are a great invention but they still have many issues. You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one.

    For some reason, writing down what you would actually say is not easy to do, even though we all open our mouths and speak thousands of times a day without the slightest effort.

    It's not easy (especially at first), but it's not impossible, and doing this is the difference between good writing and knocking everyone into a coma.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 06-Oct-2009 at 01:04.

  10. #10
    Jane91 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones. (please correct it)

    After reading your comments i changed my opinion about my writing. I really want sth is thoughtful but its hard to translate into english. Sometimes i try to think it in english first but all are simple and cant express myself. Im not good at literature, just in science :( But anyway, thank you, teacher. Your comments are helpful. Thanks a lot ^^

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