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  1. #1
    Ju is offline Senior Member
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    Default Your comment on my writing - URGENT

    **URGENT**

    May I ask for all your comments and advice on structure, grammar and all aspects on the following writing?

    Tks / ju
    ************************************************** ****

    The majority of successful students come from homes where parents provide structure, support and guidance. Do those teaching materials crammed full in the market serve the purpose as expected? Jim Lo, director of BBQ – the largest provider of right brain teaching materials in the world, who has been actively involved in scientific research, materials design of right brain education years before BBQ was established in 2007.

    With the understanding of a child’s intellectual capability develops powerfully in the first six year of life, Mr Lo devotes himself to implement the strategies of right brain learning in yielding the child’s potential to the full. (102)

    Right brain learning

    The human brain has two very different modes of thinking. The right brain is visual and processes information in an intuitive manner, firstly scanning through the whole picture then the details. The left brain is verbal and analyses data in a sequential way starting from the pieces then to the whole picture.

    "Research and studies have shown that the right brain, when duly developed in the first six years of age, it aids learning with the left-brain to integrate a whole-brain education in laying strong foundation in studies in and beyond academic achievements.” Mr Lo explains. “Multiple intelligences are essential prerequisite to excellence in the new millennium.” (107)

    Parental involvement

    “Children spend more time at home than they do at school and anywhere, so parental involvement can positively influence their children's education.” Mr Lo says. “Parents are real and unbeatable resources to children’s achievement. With their attitude, time, the right teaching materials, in collaboration with timely guidance and support by our team of specialists truly build a concrete and favorable “teaching moments” between parents and child. ”

    “Parents’ investment in child’s academic success is ‘passion’ which generate from the inner self of parents that no one can replace.” Mr Lo says. “There is no point in crying over spilt milk by the time parents realized the unique quality time you should have been with the child were being neglected for. (119)

    “To squeeze time for home schooling for our children has always been a laborious task.” Mr Lo says. “However, by turning their true experience and story in their road of home schooling to a career as a consultant makes a real difference to their child’s learning process ahead. The job nature itself offer a much greater degree of flexibility in the way both home schooling and work are both well organized. I am thrilled of seeing them to turn the passion in their own child’s learning to a career of significance.” Mr Lo says. ” (94)

    To support the ‘super mum and dad’ in fully utilizing the curriculum constructed based upon more than 50 years of national researches, a team of experts follow closely with the super mum and dad to ensure the materials are being effectively deployed in the family. (44)

    “Our team of expects includes foreign and local specialists in right brain education, child psychologists, educational psychologists, neurophysiologists, pediatricians, counselors, lecturers, pre-school education experts, banking and finance professionals and BBQ instructors, striving to provide professional solutions for parents to address their concern relating to child learning, and devise an effective teaching methodology and materials for right brain learning in the prime time within the first six years of life.” Mr Lo says. (71)

    Teaching materials

    “Being as the current largest supplier of right brain education material in the world, the materials produced by BBQ were designed to meet the ultimate education purpose, whether or not the packaging is attractive is not our prime concern.” Mr Lo emphasizes. “It is the only educational material covers six core subjects including Chinese, English, Mathematics, Encyclopedia, Foreign Languages and Music, implemented based on one scientific-researched teaching theory to the biological development of infant and child.” (78)

    Passion towards children

    “I used to have a strong bias against smart children assuming they are all self-important, difficult to deal with and mainly a product of a stringent parenting in schooling. Until I found the fact and essence of right brain learning in the prime time of life, I realize a happy growth can lead to a smart child.” Mr Lo says. “The insight intensified my passion towards children more and more each day.” (76)

    Work-life balance

    “The curriculum is well set and being monitored closely by the capable team of experts and consultants, yet product development is an ongoing project . At all possible, I would delegate the work to the consultants and take more time off with my family.” Mr Lo says. (61)

    “Workplace serves no boundary and message of knowledge can easily be delivered. Technology in communication offers a solid contribution to whom needs to travel around with business on hand.” Mr Lo is one who benefit greatly by the sophisticated device in catching up his work while in vacation with his family. (51)

    Advice for young graduates

    Mr Lo points out areas in which today’s young graduates can have enormous control over a success in starting up a career path. (27)

    “Being conscious of the situation in the industry which business activity and performance goes over a period of time, could it be uptrend, downtrend or evergreen, it counts.” (28)

    “The second comes to the company itself whether it provides effective training, relevant support and room for staff development & progression in pursuing the company objective, ‘product’ with determination. (29)

    “To possess the personal qualities of being patient, persistent and sensible are indispensable in the face of such a stiff economic competition.” (22)

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Your comment on my writing - URGENT

    Some suggestions:

    The majority of successful students come from homes where parents provide structure, support and guidance. Do those teaching materials crammed full in the market- that the market is crammed with- or something like are the teaching materials that are flooding onto the market fit for purpose- do they actually do what they claim, etc serve the purpose as expected? Jim Lo, director of BBQ " the largest provider of right brain teaching materials in the world, I'd use - rather than a commawho has been actively involved in scientific research, materials design of right brain- for right-brain (btw you decide about the hyphen- both forms are used) education years before BBQ was established in 2007.

    With the understanding of- that a child's intellectual capability develops powerfully in the first six year-years of life, Mr Lo devotes himself to implement- implementing the strategies of right brain learning in yielding the child's potential to the full. (102)

    Right brain learning

    The human brain has two very different modes of thinking. The right brain is visual and processes information in an intuitive manner, firstly scanning through the whole picture then the details. The left brain is verbal and analyses data in a sequential way starting from the pieces then- I would say from..to or starting with ...and then to the whole picture.

    "Research and studies have shown that the right brain, when duly developed in the first six years of age, it- delete aids learning with the left-brain to integrate a whole-brain education in laying strong foundation in studies in and beyond academic achievements."¯ Mr Lo explains. "Multiple intelligences are anessential prerequisite to excellence in the new millennium."¯ (107)

    Parental involvement

    "Children spend more time at home than they do at school and anywhere or anywhere else, so parental involvement can positively influence their children's education."¯ Mr Lo says. "Parents are real and unbeatable resources to children's achievement. With their attitude, time, the right teaching materials, in collaboration with timely guidance and support by our team of specialists, truly build a concrete and favorable "teaching moments"¯ between parents and child. "¯

    "Parents" investment in child's academic success is a "passion" which generate from the inner self of- comes from the innermost core of parents??? something like that parents that no one can replace."¯ Mr Lo says. "There is no point in crying over spilt milk by the time parents realized- when parents realise (that) the unique quality time you should have been- spent with the child were being neglected for- had gone/been wasted, etc. (119)

    "To squeeze time for home schooling for our children has always been a laborious task."¯ Mr Lo says. "However, by turning their true experience and story in their road- maybe 'narratives of thepath of their home schooling (nb home schooling generally refers to people whom educate their children outside the system completely, often (esp in the US) for religious reasons- maybe studying at home or home studies of home schooling to a career as a consultant makes a real difference to their child's learning process ahead. The job nature itself offer-- nature of the job offers a much greater degree of flexibility in the way both home schooling and work are both well organized. I am thrilled of seeing them to turn the passion in their own child's learning to a career of significance."¯ Mr Lo says. "¯ (94)

    To support the 'super mum and dad" in fully utilizing the curriculum constructed- delete based upon more than 50 years of national researches- research, a team of experts follow closely with the super mum and- follow the super mum and dad closely (no 'with' and maybe supermum as one word) dad to ensure the materials are being effectively deployed in- by? the family. (44)

    "Our team of expects includes foreign and local specialists in right brain education, child psychologists, educational psychologists, neurophysiologists, pediatricians, counselors, lecturers, pre-school education experts, banking and finance professionals and BBQ instructors, all striving???striving to provide professional solutions for parents to address their concern relating to child learning, and devise an effective teaching methodology and materials for right brain learning in the prime time within the first six- the crucial first six years... years of life."¯ Mr Lo says. (71)

    Teaching materials

    "Being as- delete the current largest supplier of right brain education material in the world, the materials produced by BBQ were designed to meet the ultimate education purpose, whether or not the packaging is attractive is not our prime concern."¯ Mr Lo emphasizes. "It is the only educational material which/thatcovers six core subjects including Chinese, English, Mathematics, Encyclopedia-??not a subject to me=- general knowledge??, Foreign Languages and Music, implemented- delete based on one scientific-researched teaching theory- a scientifically-researched teaching theory of to the biological development of infant and child."¯ (78)

    Passion towards- for, or maybe passionate about (avoids any sexual undertone) children

    "I used to have a strong bias against smart children, assuming they are- were all self-important, difficult to deal with and mainly a product of a stringent parenting in schooling- a strict environment??. Until- When I found the fact and essence of right brain learning in the prime time of life- in the first years, I realizerealised (that) a happy growth can lead to a smart child."¯ Mr Lo says. "The insight intensified my passion towards children more and more each day."¯ (76)

    Work-life balance

    "The curriculum is well set- established?? and being- delete you can use 'is' if you like or nothing monitored closely by the- a capable team of experts and consultants, yet product development is an ongoing project- (always) ongoing . If at all...At all possible, I would delegate the work to the consultants and take more time off with my family."¯ Mr Lo says. (61)

    "The workplace knows no borders/ has no limitsWorkplace serves no boundary and a message of knowledge can easily be delivered. Technology in communication offers a solid contribution to whom needs - to those who need to travel on businessto travel around with business on hand."¯ Mr Lo is one who benefit- benefits greatly by the sophisticated device- from... but what device do you mean in catching up his work while in vacation with his family. (51)

    Advice for young graduates

    Mr Lo points out areas in which today's young graduates can have enormous control over a success in starting up a career path.- laying out their career paths?? (27)

    "Being conscious of the situation in the industry which- where/in which/ business activity and performance goes over a period of time, could it be uptrend, downtrend or evergreen, it counts."¯ (28)This makes little sense to me how about: Being aware of the trends of an industry over time, whether the trend is upwards, downwards or evergreen

    "The second comes - brings us to??to the company itself; whether it provides effective training, relevant support and room for staff development & progression in pursuing the company objective, "product- I'd delete this and maybe use objectives" with determination. (29)

    "To possess- delete the personal qualities of being patient, persistent and sensible- I'd use nouns patience, persistence (or determination) and common sense are indispensable in the face of such a delete stiff economic competition."¯ (22)

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