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  1. #1
    Unregistered Guest

    pls check my biography for me

    Terry Fox

    Terry Fox was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba on June 28, 1958. He has an older brother named Fred, a younger brother named Darrel and a younger sister named Judith. He has a mother, Betty, and a father, Rolland. His family later moved to Port Coquitlam, BC. As a kid, Terry was noisy and fun- loving. He loved to play sports of any kind.
    One day on November 12th, 1976, Terry was driving home in his car and he crashed into a ˝ ton truck and emerged out of his car with a sore right knee. On March 3rd, his doctor did an x-ray on Terry and suspected the problem to be osteogenic sarcoma (a type of cancer). In 1997, Terry’s right knee was hurt really badly and he had his right knee amputated.
    From then, Terry decided he was going to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research because he was angry at how little money was spent on cancer research. He began to train for the run but kept it a secret from his family. When he finally decided to start the run, he told his family.
    Terry ran about 42 km almost everyday no matter what the weather was. During his run, he passed through a lot of cities. When he wasn’t running, he gave speeches to people about cancer and his run. On September 1st, he started to experience chest pains around Thunder Bay. He had run for 143 days and 5373 km so far. Terry was sent to a hospital in BC where the doctors discovered the cancer had spread to his lungs. He received many letters from people who believed in him. Before he died, he was awarded the Order of Canada. He died on July 28, 1981 in Thunder Bay.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: pls check my biography for me

    Terry Fox

    Terry Fox was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba on June 28, 1958.
    On June 28, 1958, Terry Fox was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba to Betty and Rolland Fox.

    He has an older brother named Fred, a younger brother named Darrel and a younger sister named Judith. He has a mother, Betty, and a father, Rolland. His family later moved to Port Coquitlam, BC. As a kid, Terry was noisy and fun- loving. He loved to play sports of any kind.
    > delete the line about moving as entirely off-topic
    > delete the stuff about his personality. It is too weak and undeveloped to be touching, so it's just a distraction. Getting cancer is touching enough.
    > The siblings appear and then disappear, never to be heard from again, so delete them as off-topic

    One day on November 12th, 1976, Terry was driving home in his car and he crashed into a ˝ ton truck and emerged out of his car with a sore right knee.
    > It can't be "one day" AND a specific day both at the same time
    > "and" is not a good way to string these ideas together
    On November 12, 1976, Terry's car collided with a truck. He emerged from the accident with a sore right knee.

    On March 3rd, his doctor did an x-ray on Terry and suspected the problem to be osteogenic sarcoma (a type of cancer).
    By March, his doctor had started to suspect that Terry had osteogenic sarcoma, a type of bone cancer,
    (continue this sentence with the part below)

    In 1997, Terry’s right knee was hurt really badly and he had his right knee amputated.
    > The date is wrong
    > You can't amputate just a knee
    (add this piece to the sentence above)
    and later that year his right leg was amputated above the knee.

    From then, Terry decided he was going to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research because he was angry at how little money was spent on cancer research.
    > quite a lot of money is spent on cancer research
    That's when Terry decided to raise money for cancer research by running across Canada.

    He began to train for the run but kept it a secret from his family. When he finally decided to start the run, he told his family.
    At first he trained in secret, telling his family about his plans only when he was ready to start his run.

    Terry ran about 42 km almost everyday no matter what the weather was.
    > Spell out numbers and km
    Terry ran nearly forty kilometers almost every day, regardless of weather.

    During his run, he passed through a lot of cities.
    > This is too generic. Name the first city he ran through and the last one before Thunder Bay
    He started his run in ____ (city), and by (date) he had passed through ___ (city)

    When he wasn’t running, he gave speeches to people about cancer and his run.
    > Delete "to people"
    When he wasn't running, he gave speeches about his cause and about cancer.

    On September 1st, he started to experience chest pains around Thunder Bay. He had run for 143 days and 5373 km so far.
    > Blend these sentences into one
    But on September 1st, when he reached Thunder Bay -- after running for 143 days and 5373 kilometers -- he started to experience chest pains.

    Terry was sent to a hospital in BC where the doctors discovered the cancer had spread to his lungs.
    > Delete unnecessary words
    Doctors in British Columbia discovered that the cancer had spread to his lungs.

    He received many letters from people who believed in him.
    > "many" letters is too generic
    He received countless letters from people who believed in him.

    Before he died, he was awarded the Order of Canada. He died on July 28, 1981 in Thunder Bay.
    > Rearrange this part to end on the most interesting thing. That would not be "Thunder Bay."
    Before he died on July 28, 1981, just one month past his twenty-third birthday, he was awarded the Order of Canada.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 11-Oct-2009 at 07:39.

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