Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    7
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Plz correct my essay. Thank u very much!!!

    Nowadays, there are many interesting things on television such as news, entertainment shows, movies, etc. It helps people find out what happen in the world, relax or they can learn many from TV. But it also has bad influence. Firstly, many of people think it okay when they do what they watch on television. And violence is the major factor that affect to them. When they misunderstand about the messages of TV programs, they act wrong. For example, a hero in a movie about crime is shown on TV kill offenders to protect the world. People who watch it maybe think it is allowed to kill any offenders such as thieves. And they donít know that if they do this, they become law-breakers.

    Secondly, most people who watch TV too much have a tendency to get away from reality. They see an ideal world with many fantasy things. They are very interesting, funny and attractive. That why many people waste more and more time to watch TV and donít want come back to see regular life, a life with both bad things and good things, and sometimes unhappy things.

    Thirdly, TV has bad influence on children. They watch TV instead of doing homework, or watch sports instead of play sports by themselves. Parents often find it hard to restrict them from watching TV, especially violence programs. Because children are very curious, when you restrict them, they want to see it more.

    However, watching TV is not totally bad. It depends on what and how you are watching.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,131
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Plz correct my essay. Thank u very much!!!

    This is a well-structured essay, with tight paragraphs and good attention to transitions. It was well-planned, with the points in logical order.

    The student solved the problem of what to write in the introduction.

    Its greatest fault is taking its points too far to plump them up. The essay would have been much enriched by including data and professional opinions on the consequences of watching TV, rather than having to go overboard by saying watching TV makes people murderers who don't know that murder is against the law. It's better to be convincing by reference to objective standards than by exaggeration.

    The conclusion is bad.


    Nowadays, there are many interesting things on television such as news, entertainment shows, movies, etc.
    > Don't say "etc"
    > Why specify "nowadays"? Did it used to be different?
    > This sentence would do better combined with the next one

    It helps people find out what happen in the world, relax or they can learn many from TV.
    > learn many THINGS, not learn many
    > the pronoun "it" doesn't have a clear antecedent
    > Combine this sentence with the first one
    Television can be a window to the world. It is a source of news, entertainment, and education. Watching television has become the principle way most people relax and stay informed.

    But it also has bad influence.
    > it IS a bad influence or it HAS a bad effect
    > a better word than "bad" is in the student's vocabulary
    > good transition
    > It would be better to name the antecedent for "it" rather than use the pronoun.
    But watching television has negative consequences as well.

    Firstly, many of people think it okay when they do what they watch on television.
    > Don't ever say "firstly"
    > "for one thing" is a better transition phrase than "first" anyway, in this case
    > Use "first, second. third" for points that refer to temporal sequence
    > Don't exaggerate. "Many" people don't think it's okay to do what they see on television
    For one thing, exposure to televised violence may be harmful, especially to children and teens.

    violence is the major factor that affect to them.
    > delete

    When they misunderstand about the messages of TV programs, they act wrong. For example, a hero in a movie about crime is shown on TV kill offenders to protect the world. People who watch it maybe think it is allowed to kill any offenders such as thieves. And they don’t know that if they do this, they become law-breakers.
    > This is not the case. It is not an accurate statement of the problem
    Research has shown that exposure to violence on TV increases violent behavior in children, and that the effect persists through their teenage years. http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_tv_violence Children gradually learn that it is socially acceptable to punch and kick their way to the solution of problems, since even superheroes use violence to reach desirable goals.

    Secondly, most people who watch TV too much have a tendency to get away from reality.
    > Don't say "secondly." Say "second" or "a second thing"
    > But only use First, Second, Third for temporal sequence
    > Use "another harmful effect" rather than "second."
    > Don't exaggerate. "Most" people don't get away from reality
    > The topic sentence doesn't match the body of the paragraph
    > The topic sentence of these supporting assertions is "television is time-wasting escapism."
    Another deleterious effect of television watching is the amount of time it wastes in mere escapism.

    They see an ideal world with many fantasy things. They are very interesting, funny and attractive.
    > These two sentences would be better joined together
    Television depictions of the world can be interesting, funny and attractive -- idealized fantasies more compelling than real life.

    That why many people waste more and more time to watch TV and don’t want come back to see regular life, a life with both bad things and good things, and sometimes unhappy things.
    > That IS why
    > "... waste more and more time IN WATCHING tv..."
    So there is a tendency to watch more and more TV rather than facing the mundane realities and disappointments of ordinary life. Depending on age, people spend three to eight hours a day watching television, http://www.buzzle.com/articles/tv-watching-reclaim-family-time.html most of that representing time withdrawn from family life.

    Thirdly, TV has bad influence on children.
    > "worst of all" is a better transition than "thirdly"
    > and don't say "thirdly" anyway
    > IS a bad influence -or- HAS a harmful impact
    > A bad influence
    Most of all, television is harmful to children.

    They watch TV instead of doing homework, or watch sports instead of play sports by themselves.
    > "Do sth oneself" is not the same as "do it BY oneself"
    They trifle their lives away instead of living. They watch sports instead of playing sports. Children's television time is time stolen from reading, playing, reflecting, exploring, developing hobbies and skills, schoolwork, and interactions with others.

    Parents often find it hard to restrict them from watching TV, especially violence programs. Because children are very curious, when you restrict them, they want to see it more.
    > That is probably not the reason parents have a hard time restricting television watching in children
    > Probably the reason is that the parents want to escape from the demands of the children, and use the TV as a babysitter
    > When parents are busy, they don't have time for their children, and when they are not busy, they are tired and want to watch tv themselves.
    > You should say something else here. This is too weak a point to use to finish this essay.
    > How about
    According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_f...nd_tv_violence
    and find something interesting to say (two of the four bullet points have not been mentioned yet.)

    However, watching TV is not totally bad. It depends on what and how you are watching.
    > This is a poor conclusion
    > You did not even end up agreeing with your own essay
    > Instead, you introduce a new topic -- "However, tv is not all bad."
    > This new topic contradicts the thesis of the essay
    > But then you abandon this new topic anyway
    > You need to work harder to come up with some small wrap-up
    > "tv is a big part of people's lives, but its harmful effects far outweigh its advantages" or something like that
    Last edited by Ann1977; 14-Oct-2009 at 08:11.

  3. #3
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    7
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Plz correct my essay. Thank u very much!!!

    Thank you for your help very much

  4. #4
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    1,131
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Plz correct my essay. Thank u very much!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by CrazyKid View Post
    Thank you for your help very much
    You're welcome!

    I'd like to revise this passage to improve its parallelism:
    They trifle their lives away instead of living. They watch sports instead of playing sports. Children's television time is time stolen from reading, playing, reflecting, exploring, developing hobbies and skills, schoolwork, and interactions with others.

    They trifle their lives away instead of living. They get fat from watching sports instead of keeping fit by playing sports. Children's television time is time stolen from reading, playing, reflecting, exploring, developing hobbies and skills, doing schoolwork, and interacting with others.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Any teachers here willing to help me correct my essay?
    By student001 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 16-Apr-2009, 02:52
  2. What is needed to write a good essay?
    By Lana_J in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 29-Mar-2009, 19:52
  3. Please, CORRECT my ESSAY
    By Park Jeong-eun in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 22-Feb-2008, 00:59
  4. Could you please correct my essay. it is the first essay i write
    By leangguek in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-Feb-2008, 04:10

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk