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  1. #1
    ShaiY is offline Newbie
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    Smile Please have a check the grammar of my story!

    Hi, this is my first post here! I think there is something wrong with my storyT_T. Please comment and suggest any changes I have to make.

    Thank You!

    ‘Catch him!’ a husky voice snarled and pointed his beefy index finger at a skinny
    boy who had a hair of reddish brown. His target darted rapidly around the places like
    an eagle whizzing through the air. For a moment later the dashing stick was gone,
    away from the predator’s sight.
    ‘Jeez! That pig must have been too hyper today, acting like a berserk ape,’ after having been chased, Pharos Harris flapped neck collar then breath in and out deeply to circulate some air in. ‘Pheww…,’ he signed exhaustedly, knowing that he’ll be in trouble for getting spot while running on the school’s kitchen rooftop like a monkey for certain. The annoying gang of five had been chasing him like they had nothing to do as usual; they started to act violent since his year group arrived at this junior high school. The Harris had received tons on enraged complainings in black-and-white from Pharos’ Headmistress, yet they did nothing.
    Ring~ Ring~ Ring~! The lunch time bell had rung; students from all over the school came inside the corridor, making the atmosphere polluted with screaming and shouting, everybody shifted themselves in any of the spaces left between the crowded bunches of the others like competing for the goods was on sales to go to their class rooms as quick as possible. Pharos thought of this as a moment when he’ll have a risk of 99.01% chance of being trampled. Moving stick walked about slowly on the steps which the surrounding now had fewer people before. His class had the most people out of all four classes, his friends envy him for that, but as he’s concerned he thought his class was the worst one. Since out of 30 people in the class, he’s one out of four boys. His friend thought he’d got girl phobia because everybody would be happy to study in a blazing Harem.
    After ten minutes on the steps, Pharos managed to get to the class room door, he slide it open and gradually looked forward with a tiresome yawn. His class room was set out nice and tidy, the tables’ legs were cemented on to the floor to prevent unwanted movement.
    Not for long, the teacher with a vivid blue crescent shaped spectacle forged ahead in like a serious soldier marching, his face looked as if he had never smiled before. All of the sudden every single person straight their back and there were utterly no single word spoken, Pharos always realized that the majority of his classmate were all drama gifted; they could absolutely change their personality in any circumstances, there are loads of personalities shown that he didn’t know what their real personality were.
    Class time went by relentlessly, and not for the first time, an argument had broken out over end of school time at the front row. Group of girls were piercing at each other on the matter of nicest hand writing written in their favorite teacher’s exercise book. Not for long, some how this topic was changed spontaneously.

    (Sorry, I wasn't being careful on the title!
    'Please have a check on the grammars of my story')

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Please have a check the grammar of my story!

    Please can you tell us more about this story?

    - Why did you write it?
    - Who is it for? Who will read it?

    The problem with "fixing" it is that it is full of interest and charm as it is right now. Obviously, some of that charm comes from your use of the English language.

    If this story were edited to be perfectly correct grammatically, there would be very little left.

    I think it would be a shame to sanitize this story from a fun read into a bland nothing.

  3. #3
    tycorc132 is offline Newbie
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    Thumbs up Re: Please have a check the grammar of my story!

    [QUOTE=ShaiY;524822]Hi, this is my first post here! I think there is something wrong with my storyT_T. Please comment and suggest any changes I have to make.

    Thank You!

    Here is the edited version for you.

    “Catch him!” a husky voice snarled, and pointed his beefy index finger at a skinny
    boy who had hair of a reddish brown. His target darted rapidly around the places like
    an eagle whizzing through the air. After a moment, the dashing stick was gone
    away from the predator’s sight.
    ‘Jeez! That pig must have been too hyper today, acting like a berserk ape,’ after having been chased, Pharos Harris flapped his neck collar then breathed in and out deeply to circulate some air in. ‘Pheww…,’ he sighed exhaustedly, knowing that he’ll be in trouble for getting spotted while running on the school’s kitchen rooftop like a monkey. The annoying gang of five had been chasing him like they had nothing to do as usual; they started to act violent since his year group arrived at his junior high school. Harris had received tons of enraged complaining in black-and-white from Pharos’ Headmistress, yet they did nothing.
    Ring~ Ring~ Ring~! The lunch time bell had rung; students from all over the school came inside the corridor, making the atmosphere polluted with screaming and shouting, and everybody shifted themselves in any of the spaces left between the crowded bunches of others like competing for the goods that was on sale to get to their class rooms as quick as possible. Pharos thought of this as a moment when he’ll have a risk of 99.01% chance of being trampled. Moving walked about slowly on the steps which the surrounding now had fewer people before. His class had the most people out of all four classes, his friends envy him for that, but as he’s concerned he thought his class was the worst one. Since out of 30 people in the class, he’s one out of four boys. His friend thought he’d got girl phobia because everybody would be happy to study in a blazing Harem.
    After ten minutes on the steps, Pharos managed to get to the class room door; he slid it open and gradually looked forward with a tiresome yawn. His class room was set out nice and tidy, the tables’ legs were cemented on to the floor to prevent unwanted movement.
    Not for long, the teacher with a vivid blue crescent shaped spectacle forged ahead in like a serious soldier marching, his face looked as if he had never smiled before. All of the sudden every single person straightened their back and there was utterly no single word spoken. Pharos always realized that the majority of his classmates were all drama gifted; they could absolutely change their personality in any circumstances. There are loads of personalities shown that he didn’t know what their real personality was.
    Class time went by relentlessly, and not for the first time, an argument had broken out over end of school time at the front row. Group of girls were piercing at each other on the matter of nicest hand writing written in their favorite teacher’s exercise book.



    your welcome!

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