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  1. #1
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
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    Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Having a small family has many advantages. For one thing, parents have time to give more attention to their children. The son or daughter can has a lot of love and good affection from their parents or get a good health care. When the children deal with difficulties, they can find tenderly help from parents. The whole family can play sports together at the weekend. It helps the children have comprehensive developments. Many children who have an early lack of love easily become offenders when they grow up.

    Another advantage is parents can support each child a good education. In my country, there are lot of parents who bear so many children even couldn’t feed them at all. Because poverty and starvation, older brothers or sisters much leave school early to earn money and let their younger brothers or sisters have a chance to study. With one or two children, the parents are able to afford for them to study at better place. And they also have enough time to help the children in doing schoolwork, for example solving difficult mathematics problems. So the children can get a better result at school.

    Finally, small family helps every country in controlling the growth of population. The Earth’s population is estimated to be over six billion and is increasing rapidly every year. Together with population explosion, we are facing many problems, such as pollution, health service and education. Overpopulation lead a diminish quality of human life.

    In conclusion, small family spend small fee and get full of emotional life. More than that, small family means decreasing the rate of population growth and increasing quality of life.
    Last edited by CrazyKid; 15-Oct-2009 at 17:07.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    This is really well done. It is beautifully organized, with three strong paragraphs. The points are sensible and convincing, the transitions between paragraphs are excellent, and the progression of the points from "personal" to "global" is intelligent and logical. The conclusion doesn't live up to the rest of this superior work, and the author should have worked harder to come up with something better.

    The English isn't bad, but it's not particularly great either. But that doesn't matter much in a fine paper like this one. The essay is interesting and enjoyable to read anyway.

    Having a small family has many advantages.
    > excellent opening line for a short essay like this one

    For one thing, parents have time to give more attention to their children.
    > "For one thing" is a perfect transition phrase here

    HERE IS AN ADVANCED TRANSITION SKILL FOR THIS STUDENT:

    Repeat a little part of the previous section to make your transitions rich and sophisticated.
    For one thing, parents of a small family have the time to lavish love and attention on their children.
    > In this case, repeating "a small family" (copied from the first line) makes this a better transition. It keeps the reader "with you" every step of the way.

    The son or daughter can has a lot of love and good affection from their parents
    > You just said this, so you should not say it again
    > You can go back and stick "love and..." into the other sentence
    > the child can HAVE, not can HAS

    or get a good health care.
    > This is off-topic
    > lack of health care is from lack of money, not from lack of love
    > It is a good point, so it would be good to try to stick it in somehow
    > But as it is now, it is a new topic, stuck in the middle of this topic about
    love

    When the children deal with difficulties, they can find tenderly help from parents.
    > I think it would sound smoother to keep "parents" as the subject of these sentences -- unless it begins to sound too repetitious.
    > tender" is an adjective because in this case, "help" is a noun
    They can be generous with their tender care when their children face difficulties,
    (join this sentence with the next one)

    (join this sentence with the one above)
    The whole family can play sports together at the weekend.
    > this is a good point, but not just "sports"
    and they can enjoy all kinds of family recreation with their children.

    It helps the children have comprehensive developments. Many children who have an early lack of love easily become offenders when they grow up.
    > Don't make your point by exaggerating. Quote facts, data, and experts.
    > If the student can use the expression "comprehensive development," then the student can do just a little more research to find the exact thing
    Experts have found http://www.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/eberstadt200412170848.asp that underparented children suffer short-term and long-term consequences of parental deprivation, such as sadness, behavioral problems, and poor health.

    Another
    HERE IS ANOTHER ADVANCED TRANSITION SKILL FOR THIS STUDENT:

    1) Re-orient the reader
    Besides allowing them the leisure to dote on their children,
    > This shows the reader where you are now
    > You have finished with that topic, so here is one more besides
    2) AND ALSO repeat a little bit
    another advantage in having small families is that
    > "another advantage" is the transition phrase showing the reader that you are going to talk about one more thing
    > the repeating ("having small families") makes the transition rich and complete.

    advantage is parents can support each child a good education.
    the parents can afford to give each child a good education.

    In my country, there are lot of parents who bear so many children even couldn’t feed them at all.
    > Good idea to use a striking detail that really makes your point
    > Good use of the "can't even do sth" English expression
    In my country, some parents bear so many children they can't even feed them.

    Because poverty and starvation, older brothers or sisters much leave school early to earn money and let their younger brothers or sisters have a chance to study.
    Poverty and the threat of starvation drive the older children to leave school for work so that their younger siblings can have at least some education.

    With one or two children, the parents are able to afford for them to study at better place.
    > The transition is missing
    > When you turn in a new direction, you should say:
    - but
    - on the other hand
    - even so
    - however
    - and other similar phrases
    But with only one or two children, parents can afford to let them stay in school.

    And
    > Exactly correct transition

    they also have enough time to help the children in doing schoolwork, for example solving difficult mathematics problems.
    > too specific here, I think
    And they have the time to be supportive of their children's studies.

    So the children can get a better result at school.
    Research has shown http://www.hfrp.org/publications-resources/browse-our-publications/parental-involvement-and-student-achievement-a-meta-analysis that parental attentiveness strongly increases school success.

    Finally, small family
    > Excellent transition
    > Repeating "small families" makes the transition rich and complete

    helps every country in controlling the growth of population.
    > too many words
    Finally, small families control overpopulation.

    The Earth’s population is estimated to be over six billion and is increasing rapidly every year.
    > too many words
    > let this terrible fact shine out
    > don't bury it in a lot of words
    The Earth's population is now six billion -- and it increases every day.

    Together with population explosion, we are facing many problems, such as pollution, health service and education. Overpopulation lead a diminish quality of human life.
    > The population explosion diminishes the quality of human life.

    > You need a sentence here to tie this observation back in to the benefit of having a small family. "If the globe is not to end up swamped in humans, the average family size must be kept low" or something like that.

    In conclusion,
    > I think this is not a good transition
    > It is too much for such a little paragraph
    > Just starting a new paragraph may be enough
    > Look and see when you re-read for editing. If you need it, you can always put it back in.

    small family spend small fee and get full of emotional life. More than that, small family means decreasing the rate of population growth and increasing quality of life.
    > A conclusion is not just a repeat of your points
    > A conclusion is the tiny lace trim on a handkerchief
    > It gives the essay a neat "finish" - a nice hem
    > It "matches" the essay but it is not the SAME as the essay
    http://www.battenburglace.com/handkerchief_Irish.jpg
    It is because of the numerous benefits -- personal, social, and global -- of small families that the World Health Organization and the United Nations http://www.populationpress.org/essays/essay-myths3.html encourage families to limit the number of children to those they can afford and nurture.

  3. #3
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Thank you for reading and correcting my essay!
    I like your comments very much because they are detailed, convincing and easy for me to understand.

  4. #4
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann1977 View Post
    Experts have found http://www.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/eberstadt200412170848.asp that underparented children suffer short-term and long-term consequences of parental deprivation, such as sadness, behavioral problems, and poor health.
    If I can't find the research (for example I can't access to the Internet when I write it, or write it on paper), but may be I remember a little about the content of other researches, should I use it?

  5. #5
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Quote Originally Posted by CrazyKid View Post
    If I can't find the research (for example I can't access to the Internet when I write it, or write it on paper), but may be I remember a little about the content of other researches, should I use it?

    Yes, but you have to be careful how you word your remarks.

    You cannot put down as a fact anything you can't give a citation (unless it is common knowledge.)

    This is no good:
    Underparented children suffer long-term and short-term consequences. They don't do as well in school and they have behavior problems.

    You can try solving the problem a couple of ways:

    1) You can say that you have learned it from experts

    Ex: "I have read that some experts are afraid that underparenting of children ... "
    > One problem with this is that it makes the reader say, "Oh really? Well, let me read it too."
    > This may not matter if the reader knows that you have no access to the internet -- the essay was written as an in-class assignment, for example, or as part of a standardized exam.
    > Try to throw in as many "maybe"-type expressions as you can to avoid making flat statements that you can't back up
    "I have read that some experts are afraid that underparenting of children ... "

    2) You can write it as your own thought on the grounds that ALL your own thoughts actually do come from what you have learned in life.

    Ex: "One problem that might affect underparented children could be that they may suffer from the effects of maternal deprivation, and possibly end up with behavioral or school problems."

    > In this case, you try to present the idea as though it were common knowledge
    > You try to assume that the reader already knows all about maternal deprivation just like you do. It should sound the same as the way you present the idea that rich parents can pay for better health care than poor ones, or that poor children have to leave school at a young age. These are just facts that everyone knows.
    > And in this case too, add as many "maybe" words as you can (without undermining the statement) so as to avoid making a flat assertion of a fact that you cannot back up.

    "One problem that might affect underparented children could be that they may suffer from the effects of maternal deprivation, and possibly end up with behavioral or school problems."

    People always challenge strong assertions.

    (Did you feel like challenging that one?)

    One way to avoid getting the reader to "oppose" you and to "challenge" or doubt you is to keep your assertions modest and tentative -- maybe, possibly, might, may, could, perhaps
    ------------------------------------------

    If it is data that you want to refer to, keep your claims modest -- but mostly, keep your claims vague.

    "Huge numbers of teenagers who drop out of school go on to experience other social maladjustments."
    "The vast majority of children who have more than four siblings show the effects of parental neglect."

    These statements are inappropriate because you are not in a position to back them up.

    Look for non-exaggerated -- but mostly VAGUE -- words instead:
    "Some teenagers who drop out of school... "
    "A portion of the teenagers who drop out of school.. "
    "A number of children with too many siblings ... "

    > and don't forget to include "maybe" words here too

    "Some teenagers who drop out of school may find themselves at increased risk for other social maladjustments."

    This is entirely different from:
    "According to Dr. Robert Grisham at the University of Chicago's Family and Child Psychiatric Institute, 40% of teens who quit school end up in trouble with the law."

    But the EFFECT on the reader is the same, and you have made the same point.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 16-Oct-2009 at 07:19.

  6. #6
    CrazyKid is offline Newbie
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Thanks a lot. Your replies are very helpful.

    I know that I have many mistakes in writing. And sometimes, I have some ideas to write, but I find it's hard to express in English because of my poor vocabularies and sentence forms. I must work harder and harder to improve my skills. So I hope I receive your helps next times.

  7. #7
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Plz check my essay "Advantages of having a small family"

    Quote Originally Posted by CrazyKid View Post
    Thanks a lot. Your replies are very helpful.

    I know that I have many mistakes in writing. And sometimes, I have some ideas to write, but I find it's hard to express in English because of my poor vocabularies and sentence forms. I must work harder and harder to improve my skills. So I hope I receive your helps next times.
    It'll always be a pleasure, Kid!

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