This is really well done. It is beautifully organized, with three strong paragraphs. The points are sensible and convincing, the transitions between paragraphs are excellent, and the progression of the points from "personal" to "global" is intelligent and logical. The conclusion doesn't live up to the rest of this superior work, and the author should have worked harder to come up with something better.
The English isn't bad, but it's not particularly great either. But that doesn't matter much in a fine paper like this one. The essay is interesting and enjoyable to read anyway.
Having a small family has many advantages.
> excellent opening line for a short essay like this one
For one thing, parents have time to give more attention to their children.
> "For one thing" is a perfect transition phrase here
HERE IS AN ADVANCED TRANSITION SKILL FOR THIS STUDENT:
Repeat a little part of the previous section to make your transitions rich and sophisticated.
For one thing, parents of a small family have the time to lavish love and attention on their children.
> In this case, repeating "a small family" (copied from the first line) makes this a better transition. It keeps the reader "with you" every step of the way.
The son or daughter can has a lot of love and good affection from their parents
> You just said this, so you should not say it again
> You can go back and stick "love and..." into the other sentence
> the child can HAVE, not can HAS
or get a good health care.
> This is off-topic
> lack of health care is from lack of money, not from lack of love
> It is a good point, so it would be good to try to stick it in somehow
> But as it is now, it is a new topic, stuck in the middle of this topic about
When the children deal with difficulties, they can find tenderly help from parents.
> I think it would sound smoother to keep "parents" as the subject of these sentences -- unless it begins to sound too repetitious.
> tender" is an adjective because in this case, "help" is a noun
They can be generous with their tender care when their children face difficulties,
(join this sentence with the next one)
(join this sentence with the one above)
The whole family can play sports together at the weekend.
> this is a good point, but not just "sports"
and they can enjoy all kinds of family recreation with their children.
It helps the children have comprehensive developments. Many children who have an early lack of love easily become offenders when they grow up.
> Don't make your point by exaggerating. Quote facts, data, and experts.
> If the student can use the expression "comprehensive development," then the student can do just a little more research to find the exact thing
Experts have found http://www.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/eberstadt200412170848.asp that underparented children suffer short-term and long-term consequences of parental deprivation, such as sadness, behavioral problems, and poor health.
HERE IS ANOTHER ADVANCED TRANSITION SKILL FOR THIS STUDENT:
1) Re-orient the reader
Besides allowing them the leisure to dote on their children,
> This shows the reader where you are now
> You have finished with that topic, so here is one more besides
2) AND ALSO repeat a little bit
another advantage in having small families is that
> "another advantage" is the transition phrase showing the reader that you are going to talk about one more thing
> the repeating ("having small families") makes the transition rich and complete.
advantage is parents can support each child a good education.
the parents can afford to give each child a good education.
In my country, there are lot of parents who bear so many children even couldn’t feed them at all.
> Good idea to use a striking detail that really makes your point
> Good use of the "can't even do sth" English expression
In my country, some parents bear so many children they can't even feed them.
Because poverty and starvation, older brothers or sisters much leave school early to earn money and let their younger brothers or sisters have a chance to study.
Poverty and the threat of starvation drive the older children to leave school for work so that their younger siblings can have at least some education.
With one or two children, the parents are able to afford for them to study at better place.
> The transition is missing
> When you turn in a new direction, you should say:
- on the other hand
- even so
- and other similar phrases
But with only one or two children, parents can afford to let them stay in school.
> Exactly correct transition
they also have enough time to help the children in doing schoolwork, for example solving difficult mathematics problems.
> too specific here, I think
And they have the time to be supportive of their children's studies.
So the children can get a better result at school.
Research has shown http://www.hfrp.org/publications-resources/browse-our-publications/parental-involvement-and-student-achievement-a-meta-analysis that parental attentiveness strongly increases school success.
Finally, small family
> Excellent transition
> Repeating "small families" makes the transition rich and complete
helps every country in controlling the growth of population.
> too many words
Finally, small families control overpopulation.
The Earth’s population is estimated to be over six billion and is increasing rapidly every year.
> too many words
> let this terrible fact shine out
> don't bury it in a lot of words
The Earth's population is now six billion -- and it increases every day.
Together with population explosion, we are facing many problems, such as pollution, health service and education. Overpopulation lead a diminish quality of human life.
> The population explosion diminishes the quality of human life.
> You need a sentence here to tie this observation back in to the benefit of having a small family. "If the globe is not to end up swamped in humans, the average family size must be kept low" or something like that.
> I think this is not a good transition
> It is too much for such a little paragraph
> Just starting a new paragraph may be enough
> Look and see when you re-read for editing. If you need it, you can always put it back in.
small family spend small fee and get full of emotional life. More than that, small family means decreasing the rate of population growth and increasing quality of life.
> A conclusion is not just a repeat of your points
> A conclusion is the tiny lace trim on a handkerchief
> It gives the essay a neat "finish" - a nice hem
> It "matches" the essay but it is not the SAME as the essay
It is because of the numerous benefits -- personal, social, and global -- of small families that the World Health Organization and the United Nations http://www.populationpress.org/essays/essay-myths3.html encourage families to limit the number of children to those they can afford and nurture.
- For Teachers