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  1. #1
    hieppham90 is offline Newbie
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    Default easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Topic: Do you agree that: “it's easier to be a success in the past than it is today”? Why?
    ---***---
    Success is something that most human always crave for, whether in the past or now. In the long history of human, there are many people who have got resounding success, and they have achieved their success in many ways, with different efforts. In my opinion, it is easier to be a success in the modern life because of these reasons.
    To begin with the first one, I would like to talk about the learning availability in different periods of time. Though success can be achieved in various ways, but being able to study in a good educating environment is a leading condition to reach the goal. In the past, it is hard for those who are poor or not in high social positions to join schools. The prejudice and the obsessive conception of the society at that time seemed to prevent studying. Being a success at that time was nearly impossible to most ancient people. In contrast, today there are many schools that are opened to all the people who want to study and afford the learning fee, hence the chance to get knowledge is much easier, so is the chance to be a success.
    Another reason I want to mention here is that there are more and more opportunities to get a success today. The world is changing every moment, which means that all positive abilities are needed in various fields. In addition, the society appreciates every ability that is carefully and deeply developed. A person only needs to concentrate on one field or even one skill to success. For example, if in the past, especially in Eastern countries, one needed to be good at both literature and art of fighting to be a mandarin, so today, a person only has to be good at composing poems to succeed; a Mathematic teacher in the past had to know well about both Geometry and Algebra, in contrary, today he who only highly concentrates on Geometry can be a good teacher.
    The last reason for my statement relates to the strain that the society puts on a person, which forces them to try harder to survive or only to satisfy themselves, this also makes them likely to succeed. Most people want to be the equality to their peers, and that makes them stressful or even embarrassed if they cannot be as successful or as well-off as the rest of the world. “They can do, why can’t me?” That is a common question that obsesses many persons at the first stage of their way to success. Jealousy is a powerful motivation for the try of many people, and is a root of many cases of success in the world today.
    To sum up, success has been sought by many human generations, and each person has his own way to get it. The difficulty level of getting success differentiates through times. In my opinion, one needs to try his best according to the condition of the era he is living to get success.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    This is a good essay. It is intelligent, well-planned, and diligent. The arguments are convincing, the tone is balanced and judicious, and some of the examples were excellent.

    The English is not fabulous, but it's always understandable.

    The intro, transitions, and conclusion are the product of thought, care and creativity. The student understands the issues and addresses the problems.

    The intro, transitions, and conclusion are now ready to be improved by using some advanced techniques.

    ---***---
    Success is something that most human always crave for, whether in the past or now.
    > This is a good approach to an intro -- to set the question in a large frame, or from a long perspective

    In the long history of human, there are many people who have got resounding success, and they have achieved their success in many ways, with different efforts.
    > By trying to say too much, this ended up saying nothing at all.
    In my opinion, it is easier to be a success in the modern life because of these reasons.
    > This is the bridge that leads from the intro to the body of the essay
    > It is the thesis statement
    > But it's not particularly skillful.
    > The student should aim at the expressions of this concept that are used in textbooks
    > A neutral, objective-sounding statement, abstract and agent-less, is better for a thesis statement
    > "because of these reasons" is not a good addition to a thesis statement
    > It is implicit in the structure that the reasons will follow
    > Something like one of these would be better:
    - But nowadays it's easier to be a success than ever before.
    - But there are significant factors that make it easier to succeed today than in the past.
    - Today, more people can achieve success than was ever possible in the past.


    To begin with the first one,
    > You certainly don't need to say "to begin with" AND "the first one"
    > This transition needs to be extended
    One of the biggest factors in the modern world for increasing the opportunity for success is widespread access to education.

    I would like to talk about the learning availability in different periods of time.
    > Don't say you would like to talk about it.
    > Just talk about it
    > Leave yourself out of an essay like this


    Though success can be achieved in various ways, but being able to study in a good educating environment is a leading condition to reach the goal. In the past, it is hard for those who are poor or not in high social positions to join schools. The prejudice and the obsessive conception of the society at that time seemed to prevent studying. Being a success at that time was nearly impossible to most ancient people. In contrast, today there are many schools that are opened to all the people who want to study and afford the learning fee, hence the chance to get knowledge is much easier, so is the chance to be a success.


    Another reason I want to mention here is that there are more and more opportunities to get a success today.

    Here is how to improve this transition:

    Besides the increased availability of education today compared to conditions in the past,
    (Step One: re-orienting the reader -- where we have just been)

    a second factor
    (Step Two: transition signpost -- where we are now)

    in upping the chances for success is
    (Step Three: Repeating phrases from the thesis statement -- ties the next part back into the theme of the essay)

    > All these words should be lavished on transitions
    > For one thing, scoring rubrics seek them out
    > For another, they contribute greatly to the reader's sense of satisfaction with the essay.
    > Strong transitions make the essay seem logical, complete, convincing, sensible
    > Strong transitions make the author sound confident and in control of the material


    The world is changing every moment, which means that all positive abilities are needed in various fields. In addition, the society appreciates every ability that is carefully and deeply developed. A person only needs to concentrate on one field or even one skill to success. For example, if in the past, especially in Eastern countries, one needed to be good at both literature and art of fighting to be a mandarin, so today, a person only has to be good at composing poems to succeed; a Mathematic teacher in the past had to know well about both Geometry and Algebra, in contrary, today he who only highly concentrates on Geometry can be a good teacher.
    > This is a good paragraph, with a good observation to begin with and a good example
    > Stopping after the first example would have been better
    > For one thing, the second example was just the same as the first one
    > In addition, it was not as convincing as the first one


    The last reason for my statement relates to
    1) Orientation -- where we have just been
    In addition to more access to education and increased opportunity through specialization,

    2) Transition signpost -- where we are now
    a third element

    3) Repeating from the thesis -- tying this paragraph into the essay as a whole
    in the greater chances for success in the modern world compared to the past is

    the strain that the society puts on a person, which forces them to try harder to survive or only to satisfy themselves, this also makes them likely to succeed. Most people want to be the equality to their peers, and that makes them stressful or even embarrassed if they cannot be as successful or as well-off as the rest of the world. “They can do, why can’t me?” That is a common question that obsesses many persons at the first stage of their way to success. Jealousy is a powerful motivation for the try of many people, and is a root of many cases of success in the world today.


    To sum up,
    > Unlike the transitions, which are extremely explicit, the intro and conclusion should be handled delicately
    > They are graceful slides in and out of the topic
    > Philosophical-type reflections, location in a larger perspective, (sometimes) calls to action
    > The function is to prevent the essay from just "stopping," like a car driven into a brick wall
    > It is not a recap of the essay
    > The word "conclusion" doesn not mean a "logical conclusion" in the sense of "logical deduction"
    > And it's usually not "what I think of the whole idea"
    > It is a "finish" like a fine hem on a silk scarf -- just a neat and tidy end to finish off the end of the fabric

    success has been sought by many human generations, and each person has his own way to get it. The difficulty level of getting success differentiates through times. In my opinion, one needs to try his best according to the condition of the era he is living to get success.
    > You don't have a concluding thought here
    ----------------------------------------------

    This essay would have been improved if the author had put the paragraphs in a better order.

    1) Most interesting or intriguing point first
    2) Weakest point second
    3) Best argument last

    In this case, that means
    1st paragraph (strongest point) ---> make it the last one
    2nd paragraph (most interesting) ---> make it the first one
    3rd paragraph (weakest point) ----> make it the second one

    This can often be noticed during the final edit, and it is an easy matter to cut and paste the paragraphs into their best sequence, not forgetting to alter the transition words accordingly.

    I think it's always a good sign when the transition for the last paragraph says "...the best / most important / strongest / most whatever ...."
    -------------------------------------------------

    I didn't do a line-by-line edit on this essay, because that kind of stuff was not the most interesting thing to say about it, but I will do that if the author is interested in seeing those corrections.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 18-Oct-2009 at 18:13.

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Quote Originally Posted by hieppham90 View Post
    Topic: Do you agree that: “it was easier to become a success in the past than it is today”? Why?
    [ I'm pretty sure it should read 'become']

    ---***---
    Success is something that most humans have always craved for, whether in the past or now. In the long history of humans, there are many people who have got gained/achieved resounding success, and they have achieved their success in many ways, with by different efforts. In my opinion, it is easier to be a success in the modern life because of these the following reasons.
    [In writing "these" generally refers to something you've already mentioned. ]
    To begin with the first one,
    [Thats' a novel idea!] How about "To begin with the most important reason..." "The most obvious reason is ..." Your original is even worse than "Firstly" I'm afraid.
    I would like to talk about the learning availability in different periods of time. Though success can be achieved in various ways, but being able to study in a good educating environment is a leading condition to reach the goal. In the past, it was hard for those who were poor or not in high social positions to join schools. The prejudice and the obsessive conception of the society at that time seemed to prevent studying.
    [Which society? What time? I believe you're talking about the dark days of the Irish potato famine in the 19th century, but you should try to be more explicit]Being a success at that time was nearly impossible to most ancient people.
    [OK, I was wrong. You're referring to ancient history]
    In contrast, today there are many schools that are opened to all the people who want to study and afford the learning fee, hence the chance to get knowledge is much easier, so is the chance to be a success.
    [You haven't defined what success is yet]

    Another reason I want to mention here is that there are more and more opportunities to get a success today. The world is changing every moment, which means that all positive abilities are needed in various fields. In addition, the society appreciates every ability that is carefully and deeply developed.
    [No it doesn't. Society does not appreciate people like Bernie Madoff, or the other thieving bankers who caused the GFC, no matter how well developed their schemes are.]

    A person only needs to concentrate on one field or even one skill to for success. For example, if in the past, especially in Eastern countries, one needed to be good at both literature and art of fighting to be a mandarin, so today, a person only has to be good at composing poems to succeed;
    [Contentious ]
    a Mathematics teacher in the past had to know well about both Geometry and Algebra, in contrary [Not really well-suited here] , today he who only concentrates highly on Geometry can be a good teacher.
    [Unlikely. These are not very convincing arguments.]
    The last reason for my statement relates to the strain that the society puts on a person, [For "society" you generally don't need the article] which forces them to try harder to survive or only to satisfy themselves, this also makes them likely to succeed.
    [Maybe; it probably also causes more suicides.]
    Most people want to be the equality to their peers, [to be a success as you are using the term, wouldn't they want to be superior to their peers?] and that makes them stressful or even embarrassed if they cannot be as successful or as well-off as the rest of the world. “They can do, why can’t me I?” That is a common question that obsesses many persons at the first stage of their way to success. Jealousy is a powerful motivation for the try[?] of many people, and is a root of many cases of success in the world today.
    To sum up, success has been sought by many human generations, and each person has his own way to get it. The difficulty level of getting success differentiates through times. In my opinion, one needs to try his best according to the condition of the era he is living to get success.
    Your summing up should reflect your argument. Your argument is that success is more easily achieved today than in the past. But there is no reference to this opinion in your conclusion.
    You haven't defined what you mean by success. Nevertheless it is not difficult to evaluate your arguments. They really suck, I'm afraid.

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Quote Originally Posted by Ann1977 View Post
    This is a good essay. It is intelligent, well-planned, and diligent. The arguments are convincing, the tone is balanced and judicious, and some of the examples were excellent.

    I must have read a different essay!
    Which argument did you find convincing?

  5. #5
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    [/SIZE][/FONT]I must have read a different essay!
    Which argument did you find convincing?
    LOL! Don't be harsh, Ray.

    How about this:

    Success is easier to achieve today than in the past because:
    - Success is defined more narrowly today, and the qualities you need to achieve it are more limited
    - It is through education that people are most likely to succeed, and access to education is more wide-spread today than ever before
    - Besides, people today are more ambitious, worldly, striving, and competitive than in the past, so they are more motivated to succeed

  6. #6
    hieppham90 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Your summing up should reflect your argument. Your argument is that success is more easily achieved today than in the past. But there is no reference to this opinion in your conclusion.
    You haven't defined what you mean by success. Nevertheless it is not difficult to evaluate your arguments. They really suck, I'm afraid.

    Ahm... Fristly I would like to thank you for your straightforward comments on my full-of-mistakes essay . And, considering that I am not very good at writing, would you please write another essay about the same topic but keep my ideas and only rewrite the sentences that you said that they were not very suitable?
    Thank you very much!


  7. #7
    hieppham90 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    [COLOR=Purple]
    Quote Originally Posted by Ann1977;525838[/COLOR

    I didn't do a line-by-line edit on this essay, because that kind of stuff was not the most interesting thing to say about it, but I will do that if the author is interested in seeing those corrections.

    yeah, if you have time, I would be grateful to read the line-by-line correction of you... That would be great, thank you in advance.

  8. #8
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: easier to succeed in the past or today???

    Quote Originally Posted by hieppham90 View Post

    Ahm... Fristly I would like to thank you for your straightforward comments on my full-of-mistakes essay . And, considering that I am not very good at writing, would you please write another essay about the same topic but keep my ideas and only rewrite the sentences that you said that they were not very suitable?
    Thank you very much!

    No, I can correct your essays with a few comments, but I don't have the time to write whole essays for people.

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