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  1. #1
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default essay writing

    • Please help me to correct my essay. Thanks very much in advance.
    Topic: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

    It is said that children living in the countryside have better health and a better “lifestyle” than those living in towns, that they appreciate nature with all its beauty.

    For one thing, life in the countryside is healthier for children than life in the city. Breathing fresh air and drinking clean water in the countryside are proven to bring a good health. On the other hand, in the city, the air and water are polluted and impure, which can cause many serious diseases such as lung cancer, skin cancer and kidney cancer.

    Another benefit for children to live in the countryside is that it is safer. There are fewer dangerous things such as cars, trains, or uncovered electronic that may hurt them when they are on the road. Furthermore, children don’t have to worry about crimes because there are fewer criminals in rural areas than in urban ones.

    Last but not the least, living in the countryside may stimulate the hide talents of children. Indeed they like drawing or painting beautiful scenery, and the viewing of mountains or green land will give them deep inspiration. They will know how to express their feelings by drawing or painting. In fact, a lot of famous artists descend from beautiful and peaceful villages.

    Although lots of parents want to move to a big city for better jobs, children should grow up in the countryside or villages to enjoy their dreamlike childhood with paddy fields, buffaloes, storks and kites.
    ----------
    This writing is a bit short.
    Last edited by san2612; 21-Oct-2009 at 16:56.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    • Please help me to correct my essay. Thanks very much in advance.

    Topic: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

    It is said that children living in the countryside have better health and (a) better “lifestyle” than those living in towns, and that they have chance to appreciate nature with all its beauty.

    For one thing, life in the countryside is healthier for children than life in the city. Breathing fresh air and drinking clean water in the countryside are proven means to bring/keep (a) good health. On the other hand, in the city, the air and water are polluted and impure, which can cause many serious diseases such as lung cancer, skin cancer and kidney cancer.

    Another benefit for children who (to) live in the countryside is the safety/that it is safer. There are fewer dangerous things such as cars, trains, or uncovered electronic gadgets that may hurt them when they move/are on the road. Furthermore, children don’t have to confront with/worry about crimes because there are fewer criminals in rural areas than in urban cities/ones.

    Last but not the least, living in the countryside provides many opportunities which may stimulate/incite the hidden talents in (of) children. Indeed they like drawing or painting beautiful scenery, (and) the viewing of mountains or green landscapethose can (will) give them deep inspiration. They will know how to express their feelings by drawing or painting. In fact, a lot of famous artists have descend from beautiful and peaceful villages.

    Although lots of parents want to move to a big city for better jobs, children should be allowed to grow up in the countryside or villages to enjoy their dreamlike childhood with paddy fields, buffaloes, storks and kites

    This writing is a bit short.
    The writing is short but expressive.
    Delete words in brackets and use alternate words where ever suggested in red.

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Last but not the least, living in the countryside may stimulate the hidden talents of children.
    You should avoid the automatic use of "Last but not least".
    In this case, I would say that your last point is definitely your least. Are you really claiming that children's hidden talents cannot be stimulated in a city?

  4. #4
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Teacher, can I use the word "descend" in the sentene: "a lot of famous artists have descend from beautiful and peaceful villages." ?
    I haven't seen anyone write "descend from beautiful and pieceful villages"

    descend:
    a. To come from an ancestor or ancestry: He was descended from a pioneer family.
    descend - definition of descend by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

  5. #5
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Teacher, can I use the word "descend" in the sentene: "a lot of famous artists have descend from beautiful and peaceful villages." ?
    I haven't seen anyone write "descend from beautiful and pieceful villages"

    descend:
    a. To come from an ancestor or ancestry: He was descended from a pioneer family.
    descend - definition of descend by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.
    No, you descend from your ancestors - people - not from villages.
    You can "come from" a village.

  6. #6
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Thanks a lot, teachers
    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    You should avoid the automatic use of "Last but not least".
    In this case, I would say that your last point is definitely your least. Are you really claiming that children's hidden talents cannot be stimulated in a city?
    I ask about the word "descend" before seeing your post


    Finally, living in the countryside may stimulate the hidden talents of children, who are impressed by beautiful scenery. Huge country estates and the viewing of mountains or green landscape can help them express their feelings by drawing and painting. But the space in a big city is too narrow and surrounded only by close houses and traffic, which may restrict children from feeling the maneuver of nature.
    Last edited by san2612; 24-Oct-2009 at 01:55.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    But the space in a big city is too narrow and surrounded only by close houses and traffic, which may restrict children from feeling the maneuver of nature.
    "the maneuver of nature" doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say?

  8. #8
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    "the maneuver of nature" doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say?
    It seems to associate with that mentioned in the first paragraph : children living in the countryside "appreciate nature with all its beauty."

    children's hidden talents isn't stimulated in a city because

    children are surrounded by narrow space with close houses and traffic only. They can't feel the movement of nature and draw or paint about nature (Their feelings to draw and paint the beautiful scenery is limited).

    Is it correct if I write "the movement of nature"?
    Last edited by san2612; 23-Oct-2009 at 15:18.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    It seems to associate with that mentioned in the first paragraph : children living in the countryside "appreciate nature with all its beauty."

    children's hidden talents isn't stimulated in a city because

    children are surrounded by narrow space with close houses and traffic only. They can't feel the movement of nature and draw or paint about nature (Their feelings to draw and paint the beautiful scenery is limited).

    Is it correct if I write "the movement of nature"?
    Maybe the changes of nature, or the changes of the seasons.

  10. #10
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: essay writing

    Quote Originally Posted by sarat_106 View Post
    The writing is short but expressive.
    Delete words in brackets and use alternate words where ever suggested in red.
    Thanks very much for your correction and comment. They are helpful to me.

    " Furthermore, children don’t have to confront with/worry about crimes because there are fewer criminals in rural areas than in urban cities/ones."

    Can I use "confront crimes" ?

    I see its meaning in the dictionary
    confront: To come up against; encounter: confronted danger at every turn.
    Last edited by san2612; 24-Oct-2009 at 02:29.

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