Nicely-done, well-organized essay. This essay would score at least a B in most freshman classes in most Universities in the US.
Originally Posted by hieppham90
The use of transitions is especially fine:
- One of the biggest factors that make me feel like watching films at cinemas is ...
- Besides a higher quality of the films, a second factor that makes me attached to cinemas is...
These excellent transitions keep the reader on track, and give the feeling that the author is firmly in control of the material and the essay.
The essay gave three sound reasons for this preference:
- Better audio and visual quality
- Getting out of the house for a spell
- Sharing the experience with an audience
Even more, the author used intelligence and judgment in planning the sequence of the points, putting them in their best possible order (the weakest point buried in the middle, and the strongest point last.)
However, the student had a lot of trouble thinking of how to draw out these self-evident observations. One of the biggest weakness of this essay is the large amount of repetition:
"I do not have enough money to buy a modern and fashioned system of projector and loudspeakers which is sold with an extremely high price at store..."This is all padding and repetition, the long way to say, "While their quality may approach that found in cinemas, big home theater systems are too expensive."
The result of not finding ways to bolster the topic assertions was to make the paragraphs' supporting points sound like a stretch. This is the biggest fault with this essay. Only the fact that the paragraph topics are good keeps the essay from sinking completely into an unconvincing snow job:
"So I always wait for weekends to relax, at night, I want go out and breathe the cool breeze of the night, and I often go to the cinema to see a film so that I can effectively use the remaining time of freedom. This is also a chance for me to get out of my house and enjoy a new wider space, interact with people and be more positive."This is not an acceptable way to say,"Besides, it gets me out of the house."
The author was enterprising in trying to use "personal experience" as a way to bolster the topic assertions of the paragraphs, but the attempt was not completely successful. The author needed to work harder to think of ways to state the obvious without being repetitive or infantile.
One tactic that can be used sometimes is to acknowledge the opposite point of view: Going out is a lot of trouble and fuss when you're tired; going to the movies is expensive; going alone is no fun, so you have to mesh with the schedules of your friends. "These are disincentives to going to the movies, but even so, it is still preferable because .... "
If the useless words, self-evident observations, and repeats were deleted (as they should be), the essay would be about 1/3 of its present length (as it should be.)
If the student needs to write a longer essay, he needs more ideas -- not more words.
The last transition is not as good as the first two.
Additionally, the third reason for my statement is that by going to a cinema, I can watch the film with many people.
> "Additionally" is not the best transition signpost
> Since the author was clever enough to save the best reason for last, then "the best reason" is a better transition signpost
> "for my statement" is not only awkward, it is an "anti-orientation" because it causes doubt about which "statement" is meant
But the best reason for going to the movies is to participate with an audience in the shared experience.
I debated back and forth about including an orienting phrase:
"But the best reason to go to the movies instead of watching movies at home is that going to the movies allows me to participate ..."
> In the end I rejected it as not necessary enough to bear all those words.
> I also thought that the stuffy and long-winded nature of the remarks was out of sync with the actual MEANING of the words ("It's more fun!") Nothing could be less fun than reading all those words.
The introduction and conclusion are not particularly great. The author needed to work harder to make them smooth and graceful.
Watching movies is an amazing activity to relax for many people nowadays. After a hard-working day, what can be more satisfying than watching films and concentrating with amusement on the plots? I like seeing films, too. Although I have many film DVDs at home, I still prefer watching films at cinemas.
> I think the author missed a chance to "back up" far enough from the topic.
> The Intro is the place to establish your essay in its larger context, to place it in a bigger frame
> Thinking up what that "frame" could be does require a few minutes of reflection, but I don't think the author worked toward that goal. I think the author got distracted by the prompt into charging straight ahead into setting up his three points, and so lost his chance to write a distinguished Intro.
> I think a much better intro would be one that discusses some larger aspect of the theme: What do movies MEAN to us? or "How many gazillion dollars have we been spending on DVDs -- and what has happened to the movie industry as a result? Are movie houses dead?"
> I would have gone with this:
Psychology Movies: Exploring The Relationship Between Movies And Psychology
Movies are mankind's highest realization of our archetypal desire: "Tell me a story!" When we want to stay at home and hear a story, we can read a novel, listen to our grandmothers, or watch TV. These are pale substitutes for the oceanic, multi-sensory experience of being at the movies, but nothing is as trivializing as watching a movie substitute at home. Nothing diminishes a movie so much as shrinking an MGM lion into a DVD pussycat.
The conclusion too is weak and insufficiently contemplated.
"In my opinion, watching films in cinemas is preferred than watching them at home because of the above reasons. Today, cinemas are trying to improve the standard of their films, many technologies are developed to make the viewers feel as real as possible, and this makes watching films at cinemas an impossible-to-miss chance to get.
> This is awkward and ungraceful
> In addition, it seems to be bringing up new topics -- when it's too late now to do so (not that they are developed anyway.)
> Remarks about new technology are just plain off-topic
> This gives the impression that the author was out of ideas, and didn't care to work hard at coming up with any
This paragraph misunderstands the meaning and purpose of a conclusion.
- A conclusion in a tiny essay like this one is not a summary.
- It's really almost not a wrap-up
- It is merely a mechanism to exit the essay by "ending" it -- as opposed to letting it sound like it "stopped."
- Sometimes an essay with no "ending" just sounds like it unexpectedly fell off the table, like a cat in a Funny Home Video
YouTube - Funny Cat fall
- I think most of these essays don't require anything at all after the last paragraph
- But I sympathize with the students' feeling that they have to turn in a dutiful five-paragraph essay
- At least they should know that if they are writing articles for the college newspaper, it would be advisable to omit this "conclusion" completely
- In the meantime, they should practice being creative within the structure demanded: One-sentence conclusions would be one creative way to do this.
- If this were my essay, I would consider a last "paragraph" of one line:
See you at the movies!
And that's why I'm catching a movie tonight. You come too.