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  1. #1
    fatpanda is offline Newbie
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    Default Will someone edit and revise my application essay for college?

    The internet is like a sleeping giant waiting to be awakened. I say this because the internet has been an interest and more importantly a passionate hobby to me. Technology is a great thing, and now a day there is so much one can learn from the World Wide Web. A person can learn how to do and build things, learn new languages and meet new people. The most wonderful thing about the World Wide Web is that you can do if from the comfort of your home. The World Wide Web (also known as WWW) has taught me so much that I feel the need to share my knowledge with the rest of the world. Also some people might not have the knowledge to harness the sheer wealth of the WWW, and some people just outright donít know how to use a computer that well. Iíve been teaching classes at the local libraries on computer literacy, and I feel so much joy when I share my knowledge with others. Also it makes me proud and happy when I see people succeed at using the computer that did not know how to use one before they stepped through the door. At my school they have a club called Team ASSIST, and what Team ASSIST does is that it helps teachers be more technologically literate. We as a team help teachers create wikis, power points, and any other technology issue they might have. Words cannot describe the sheer amount of wealth the internet holds. Now I also contribute to the WWW by making informational websites about WWII and my interests. People might have good ideas but they donít necessarily have the skills to make a website and put their ideas onto the WWW for all to see. I volunteer my time to help people create websites and guide them through the steps on how to maintain it and such. If those people have very little money or are teenagers like myself with useful thoughts; I host the websites for them for free. I have been able to do this because I met a certain individual a year ago and his name is Griffon Bowman. Griffon and I have hosted and designed many websites for adults and kids that either donít know how to design websites or donít have the money to pay professional hosting company money to host the website for them. To me a college is not a trophy; it is something that is not meant to be wrong. It is more or less a relationship, and you find a college that matches your personality and your interests.






    Thank you guys so much in advance. the topic was write about an activity or interest that has been particularly meaningful to you.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Will someone edit and revise my application essay for college?

    Quote Originally Posted by fatpanda View Post
    The internet is like a sleeping giant waiting to be awakened. I say this because the internet has been an interest and more importantly a passionate hobby to me. Technology is a great thing, and now a day there is so much one can learn from the World Wide Web. A person can learn how to do and build things, learn new languages and meet new people. The most wonderful thing about the World Wide Web is that you can do if from the comfort of your home. The World Wide Web (also known as WWW) has taught me so much that I feel the need to share my knowledge with the rest of the world. Also some people might not have the knowledge to harness the sheer wealth of the WWW, and some people just outright don’t know how to use a computer that well. I’ve been teaching classes at the local libraries on computer literacy, and I feel so much joy when I share my knowledge with others. Also it makes me proud and happy when I see people succeed at using the computer that did not know how to use one before they stepped through the door. At my school they have a club called Team ASSIST, and what Team ASSIST does is that it helps teachers be more technologically literate. We as a team help teachers create wikis, power points, and any other technology issue they might have. Words cannot describe the sheer amount of wealth the internet holds. Now I also contribute to the WWW by making informational websites about WWII and my interests. People might have good ideas but they don’t necessarily have the skills to make a website and put their ideas onto the WWW for all to see. I volunteer my time to help people create websites and guide them through the steps on how to maintain it and such. If those people have very little money or are teenagers like myself with useful thoughts; I host the websites for them for free. I have been able to do this because I met a certain individual a year ago and his name is Griffon Bowman. Griffon and I have hosted and designed many websites for adults and kids that either don’t know how to design websites or don’t have the money to pay professional hosting company money to host the website for them. To me a college is not a trophy; it is something that is not meant to be wrong. It is more or less a relationship, and you find a college that matches your personality and your interests.






    Thank you guys so much in advance. the topic was write about an activity or interest that has been particularly meaningful to you.
    I note this is your first post, so I won't be too harsh on you.

    You give a topic sentence, but then seem to forget about it. I was waiting for you to develop your theme that "The internet is like a sleeping giant waiting to be awakened."
    but it never came. Your second sentence is illogical. It doesn't explain the topic sentence at all.
    Basically, this isn't really an essay. It's an unstructured, almost 'stream-of-consciousness' single paragraph of your activities with the internet, some people you met, and with an enigmatic opinion about colleges at the end.

    You need to get your ideas together; put each set of similar ideas in a paragraph of its own, and then make linking statements between the paragraphs.
    You also need to say something consistent with your topic. You've given no explanation for the simile that the internet is like a sleeping giant waiting to be awakened.
    You paragraph fizzles out with a non sequitur, and you have no conclusion.

    You could make your introduction sentence "Here is some trivia about the internet, me, Griffin Bowman and my assertion that a college is not a trophy."
    Or, you could rewrite it.

  3. #3
    fatpanda is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Will someone edit and revise my application essay for college?

    thanks.. but please be more harsh lol. i need help on this essay. what else do you suggest??

    thanks

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