This is a significant improvement. The author used intelligence and scholarship to come up with an essay that is of value to the reader, and repays the reader's time. The essay indicates that the author did some research and bothered to plan the work.
Originally Posted by vananh90
I don't know the names of any fun, teenager magazines that the author may read. I don't know if Mu+.c Ti'm, for example, is the kind of magazine I'm thinking of. But I want this student to write her essays so that they are like the articles in a fun, teen magazine. This student's essays are too dull and plodding, and written down to low. In the US magazines, this is the kind of article I want the author to copy in tone and directed at a teenage audience: Tips to Study for Midterms - Midterm Study Tips - CosmoGIRL!
In our present hustle-bustle world, people seem to live in a fast pace and think much of how to make more money or accomplish their tasks. So their life is prone to be very stressful.
> This is the right way to approach an Intro: Back up a little and put the topic into perspective in a larger frame.
In this essay,I suggest some ways to prevent stress. Those are to enjoy life,take care of ourself and do what really interest us.
> And this is the wrong way to approach an intro.
1) ALWAYS delete references to yourself and to "this essay"
It only takes a few seconds to think up a way to avoid taking about "this paper" or "this essay" or "I"
Here are three great tips to help you relieve stress.
2) An essay is not a dull textbook. The Intro should grab the reader's attention, not give him a boring announcement of something he is going to read for himself in about 10 seconds.
The author seems not to have a reliable view of who her readers are.
their life ... take care of yourself .....and do what really interest us.
Who are you writing about? "Them?" "You?" "Us?"
Since this is an "advice" essay, the person reading it is "you," and (to be friendly) the author can refer to "everybody" or "people" as "us."
For one thing,
This is an okay transition, but this article is a specific kind of article: it is a LIST. Most essays are not LISTS, but this one is. That means that the best way to mark off the points the essay is making is to NUMBER them -- because this article is a list. A better transition for a short list in a teen magazine is this:
Tip # 1:EnJOy YoUr LiFE!
Tip # 2:TAkE CaRe of YoURrSelF !
Tip # 3:❥ Do ♥ WhAt ❤ REaLLy ♥ InTeReSTs ❤ You !
Now I realize that the author can't really submit an "essay" that was written for publication in a teen magazine. But she can adapt the magazine article and adjust it for school use without losing the tone or flavor:
Here are three topic sentences that are also transitions for use in an essay that is a LIST, like this one:
The first way to reduce stress is by adding enjoyment to your life.
The second way to relieve stress is by taking good care of yourself.
The third way to relieve stress is to do what really interests you.
stress is sometimes caused by your attitude towards the life. .... you may come up with some creative ideas in these moments.
For another thing,you should take care of yourself. .....Actually, if you donít care about youself, stress can be seemingly endless and life goes by boringly and tiringly.
One problem that came up was that it was hard to know what should come after the topic sentence. "Enjoy your life" is not exactly a topic that can be covered in one paragraph. The student did a good job in using a combination of "examples" plus "principles" to explain the topic sentences.
The problem was that this stuff was pretty jumbled inside each paragraph, and the paragraphs do not move smoothly from "the principles involved" to "example solution."
The paragraphs also seem unfocused and out of the author's control because they are used to elaborate on what stress is, or what it does, or why it's bad. These are OFF TOPIC, and should be deleted.
Another problem is that the contents of the paragraphs are not differentiated enough. A hot bath with soothing music doesn't seem different enough from "fresh air and sunshine." If the advice in the first paragraph is "Take Breaks from Your Cares," then the topic sentence should be changed.
I think the student should have done more work to find three tips that are really different: Meditation, for example, is not like any of the others.
Furthermore, you can t......The stress must get out of your mind.
This whole paragraph was nothing but padding. A jumbled collection of random suggestions does not add up to a paragraph.
If the student had trouble with filling up the paragraphs, a better solution would have been to write five short paragraphs instead of three padded ones The paragraphs should all be written according to the same basic outline:
1) Topic sentence: The (ordinal number) way to relieve stress is to ____.
One Suggested Paragraph Outline
2) Statement of principle: Example: if you donít care about youself, stress can be seemingly endless and life goes by boringly and tiringly.
3) Useful suggestion: Example: After a hard working day,you can unwind yourself by having a warm bath, listening to some pieces of music you like.
In short, these days, stress is inevitable. But the important thing is how to deal with stress effectively. Some ways to be considered are : take everything easy and enjoy life,take care of yourself and socialize with everybody.
This is a terrible ending. The student does not understand the function of a concluding paragraph.
1) The student should try to write essays in the style and tone of magazine articles, thinking of teenage girls as the audience. She should choose the presentation of her topics with this in mind.
2) Now that the student is good at structuring the entire essay, she needs to progress to structuring each paragraph.
3) The student needs to work on making the Intro and Ending paragraphs creative and suave.
Writing an essay is not merely procedural, like solving an algebra problem. It is a craft, and creativity and judgment play a large role. Writing an essay is like decorating your bedroom. There are helpful guidelines and useful tips, but a good design for the bedroom, and the best way to place the furniture, and the skill and creativity of the decorations does not come from following a set of steps.
You need creativity, judgment, innovation, freshness, the willingness to improvise to solve problems, and the daring and risk to break the rules to create something unique and special, and something that is just right for the purpose.
You can't write an essay by stomping on it ONE slam TWO stomp THREE bang FOUR stomp with your big heavy ugly shoes
You have to dance it with your dancing slippers