It's all over the place and I think it isn't a matter of correcting it but totally rewriting it. Quite a bit of the information is rehashing what is already in the person's resume, so I can't really see the need for it and some of it just doesn't make much sense- I can't see any way of changing Moreover, I prefer going deeper at this level into much of a sentence- the link back to the previous sentence doesn't work and it's far from clear what 'this level' refers to. It looks like something that has been done too quickly and without much thought for the reader- what does 'I discovered challenge is a very important aspect for me' mean? Aspect of what? Any challenge? It reads like a sentence where the person simply wants to get the word challenge in because it'll get them a bonus point for using a buzz word. I honestly think he needs to clarify his ideas, rewrite it and organise things before anything else.