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Thread: I wrote a story

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    Smile I wrote a story

    I was asked to write a short story and i was told it was good and that i was a natural story teller. the thing is i don't feel like a storyteller and i wandered if could read it and tell me if i do.

    PLEASE UNDERSTAND I FEEL THIS IS NOT AS GOOD AS PEOPLE SAID AND I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER WRITTEN A STORY IN MY LIFE.

    i have only 3 rules here:

    1. DON'T HOLD BACK TELL ME WHATS CRAP AND WHATS GOOD,
    2. BE HONEST,
    3. ENJOY,


    How I died.

    It was another cloudy miserable night and as I was walked down O’Connell Street I thought I heard and angry voice calling my name. At first I did not care, after what had just happened I could not care less anymore. It was a strange feeling.

    “Robert, come on man, what’s your problem? Hey, Stop!”

    Brian, who was hobbling down the street, was yelling at me to stop. He does not know yet I thought, he could not know. After a few more paces I decided to stop and confront Brian. I decided that perhaps I should hear him out one and for all.

    Brian, who was desperately trying to catch his breath, asked “hey, do you know where Liam is? I can’t find him anywhere.” Brian was huffing still trying to catch his breath.

    “No I haven’t seen him all week, sorry”. I began to sweet.

    “We just had a fight and he walked out. Are you sure you didn’t see him? I thought I saw you two talking earlier”.

    “Look, I said I haven’t seen him ok!! I’m late got to get home you know, got an early start at the factory tomorrow. I have to go. I’ll see you around I suppose. Bye” I said in my calmest voice. He stood there looking at me with stupidity and suspicion, then something else resembling curiosity glazed in his deep blue eyes. Then before he realized that I did know where Liam was I gathered what courage I could muster and I took off in the direction of William Street.

    Once I rounded the corner I ran until I felt as though I would die. I was only ten minutes away from home now but it had taken me longer then it had normally done. I decided to take a short cut across the Hyde road railway line; I climbed over the railings and sprinted for the exit on the other side. Several feet from the man made entrance of twisted back metal barrier entrance I was hit at the back of my head. Struggling to bear the burning white hot pain I tripped over something soft and fell to the ground hard. Even with the blinding pain I heard the sound of cracking bones and I cursed and rolled into the fetal position, grabbing at my aching blooded knees. Just before I surrendered to the darkness of oblivion I looked in the direction of what had tripped me over. Blood poured down my face and in to my eyes. It was hard to make out what hit me and what I tripped over. In the darkness I thought I could see several shadows hovering over a small mass n the ground in front of me, whilst one shadow seemed to limp towards me.
    With whatever courage and strength I had left I wiped the tears of blood from my eyes and looked a head… I looked directly in to the eyes of Liam. His half naked lifeless body lying there silently, his eyes wide open and dilated looking right at me. The final image I saw before passing out was blood dripping from Liam’s fingernails and the limping figure hit me one last time and then nothing.

    I awoke in a haze of blue, and tried to kick off my duvet and but instead felt pain, the likes of which I had never felt before and prayed I never would again. I was restrained to the bed but did not know why. Ohhhh Jesus, oh god I thought. What the hell was I drinking last night? The room was unpleasantly cold, hmm November what did I expect clear blue skies and sunshine? Well maybe not I thought. I looked around and was surprised to see hospital beds. Huh! What happened? “How did I get here” I wandered.

    I closed my eyes trying to block out the noises of the medical ward around me, desperately trying to remember what had happened before the memories faded away. I remembered I could smell the exhaust fumes and the smell of the rotting trash, I remembered… his body slumped on the ground, his lifeless body in a tangled mess, but I could not remember even meeting Liam that night….. So why do I remember seeing him?

    I looked around desperately for some sign of help, frantically looking for an answer, some sign of hope; the only people I saw were a few nurses and a couple of doctors. Most were dressed in blue and green scrubs like that TV program I watched. I tried to call out but my voice seemed to not want to. Gasping and holding my throat I squealed … help?? Can anyone help me?? Please someone help me!!! After catching the attention of another patient, the cute nurse and the elderly looking man in a tie, he calmly walked over to my bed.

    Well, what have we here, decided to join the land of the living have you? He looked at the nurse and said, “Unlike some unfortunate souls” he looked back at me and again back to the nurse and whispered to her after which she promptly disappeared. “You seem to be fine now son won’t be running any races for a good while, but if I were you id begin learning fast. But don’t worry; we will have you out of here in no time.

    I contemplated the elderly doctor’s words, confused for a moment and before I knew what I was even thinking I asked “what happed to me in the first place? How did I get here, I know I did not get here myself, I know that much.” I said in a soft voice so as not to sound angry.
    “Well, if you really must know, a local who was out walking his dog found you both, you had been laying unconscious for the best part of the day before you were found, he thought you were dead! You were brought back here were we fixed you up. You were suffering from dehydration and exestuation you almost died out there lad” you were the lucky one but we could not save your friend. I am afraid it was too late for him. You sure did a number on him.

    The elderly doctor began to question me with all kinds of strange questions. Why did you do it?? What were you thinking?

    I thought about what he had asked for a moment then said “the last thing I remember was being hit from behind and falling down, the next I wake up here. I don’t remember a thing.

    He looked at me in amazement, as if I had just grown another head and yelled “lad if you lying to me then you’ll suffer the consequences. He should not have died; it should be you down there in the morgue! How did you think you were going to get away?” his yelling and over excitement began to arouse attention from the other patients and some of the nurses were now peeping in the door see if everything was okay. He raved and rated at me for what seemed like an eternity.

    My patients began to wear thin and I mustered just enough strength to shout back “you know how you told me I could go home soon? Yea well Ill be going now, bye.” and with that I jumped off the bed bearing the agonizing pain. Then realizing I was chained to the bed I pulled hard, pulling the arm rest in a frantic bid to escape and then hobbled towards the door way. With a crash I landed on my back as the door flung open.

    You’re not going anywhere sunshine; you’re under arrest for murder.

    It was Brian, in a crumpled garda uniform. He stared at me with a murderess look in his eyes. I had never seen him like this, not this angry.

    Take him out of here, and bag the evidence we will take it from here.

    The doctor handed over a white plastic see through bag. I thought I could see several used bullets inside, and then I heard Brian tell the officer to store the bullets’ safely with my gun… my gun?? I didn’t own a gun. Fresh blood began pouring down my head as I confronted Brian and demanded “what do you mean my gun?? Brian what’s going on? You know I don’t own a gun.

    “Shut your filthy mouth” said Brian with unwavering contempt in his voice. “You killed Liam, we have the evidence to prove it, and you’re going to pay”.

    “I didn’t Brian, honestly I didn’t do it”, I cried franticly. “You have to believe me”
    But Brian uncoupled his handcuffs and attached himself to me.

    “Let’s go”, he said angrily as he hobbled towards the main door I placed one hand on brains shoulder; I wanted to plead with my best friend. I wanted him to believe me. I needed him to look at me the way he used to. His kind green eyes, full of sweetness and kindness now only had hate rate for me.

    Brian winced and pushed his hand away. I could see the grief in his eyes, I could feel his pain.
    “Get off me you maggot”, “Do not touch me”. He pushed me in to the Garda car.

    Brian took off his coat and hat and placed them in the seat beside me and eased in to the driver’s seat. As he started the engine I noticed four red lines on his otherwise blue shirt. Um… with a gulp I remembered the shadow limping towards me and the blood finger nails on Liam's nails. And it dawned on me... it was Brian… Brian was the killer.

    Another garda opened the door to accompany us to the station and it was at this point I pushed the door open with my legs as fast and as hard as I could and I ran as fast as I could. The pain was almost unbearable. I felt a searing white flash of pain in my lower back and fell to the ground. But it was not my legs that had failed me.

    Brian stood above me, holding the gun that was meant to be mine. Smoke billowing out of the barrel. My last desperate act I pleaded to him, why did you do this, why??

    With a mixture of pain and anger in his eyes, he said… because you slept with the only the only person I ever love. You took away my life and so I will take yours, you will pay… dearly,
    It all came back to me. It was Brian it must have been. I tried to get up but I was in too much pain there was no way out. I was in for it.

    A wicked smile crossed brains face “goodbye Robert” with that statement he raised my gun and rang out the final shot. And with that the truth of how I died remains At the Gates of Silent Memory

    The End?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    Re: I wrote a story

    Hi if you got to here well done Also sorry it was too long

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