Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    zeby93 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Post please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    please please am new to this forum and i just want an estimated grade and some points please help.
    here is my essay:

    It all started out unexpectedly. The storm began to get worse, sounds of the storm roared the atmosphere, with rage. Everything felt like a blur. Fog spurred over the plains of the battlefield, it was as if the battlefield was abandoned, because of silence that brought cries to each to each dead soul. I could see the soldiers getting ready, praying for there last. Time was running, fast as an earthquake destroys land within seconds. It was coming to dawn, brave troops waiting to fight for revenge, to quench their thirst of anger with fresh blood.

    The storm stopped, soldiers rushed out onto the battlefield, as fast as a bull, hunting its prey. I could hear air rifles shooting from every angle, sharp like a glimpse of an eye. Vultures flying in circles, ready to dig through dead battered corpses and eat the dead flesh. The ground was scattered with body parts detached from the dead bodies: hands, arms, feet’s and heads.

    All of a sudden, I had an urge of walking across the battlefield, it was an awakening response, my heart was racing fast, as I slowly walked through the jaws of death. As I was walking I stopped, it got to a point where I couldn’t talk no more. I stood still and froze in isolation and a thought, cropped up in my mind, though, I don’t mind looking at dead flesh; I wouldn’t want my flesh to be eaten by creatures. This thought was eating me inside, the sense of reality had been established, I knew this wasn’t a dream. The thought was mortally scary, that I couldn’t take it any longer. All I felt was loneliness and pain, as one day every living soul will bear such a punishment, they will taste death the true reality of life, and one must go through. While I was thinking looking at the deceased, brought another strong thought to my mind. The bodies that lie here will perish one day, they will lie here for days, months and years. But, eventually these bodes lying here will disintegrate, the flawless skin will perish, but all that will remain is hollow bones. Suddenly, my heart started pounding from my chest, moist soaked to the skin, from my cold head. Sweat was streaming down my disturbed face. I turned pale and collapsed on the ground, trying to yearn for breath. I got up slowly and felt energy growing inside me, as my body began to feel warm my temperature began to return back to its normal state. I was woken up from my fears, my heart rendered of unnaturalness. I felt like a supernatural being. I continued, deeper into the wilderness and trying to think of what other vulnerable images, which lie in the mysterious desolate field.

    Suddenly, someone grabbed me and held a torrential pistol on my head. He was forcing me to betray my native country, repeatedly I refused and out of nowhere I was pounded on the head with a Pistol, thick blood was pouring down from my left eye. I was blind as a bat; yet, I do not like bats. Slowly I was losing consciousness my vision grew fainter, my eyes drooped down it was as if my body organs were declining. Their, I was paralyzed and trying, to regain consciousness again. There were two bodyguards holding me from my numb, fragile neck. They shoved me in a black jeep and took me back to the battlefield.

    Finally, we arrived at the battlefield, where my soldier’s bodies laid. They opened the car and threw me out; again I could here the sounds of air rifles, bullets piercing through brave soldiers as I laid helplessly, my heart was being punctured with innocent cries of pain. One of our great soldiers was heavily wounded; he was bleeding internally, the deathly bullet plundered deep through his lungs. He was drowning in his own thick blood, as he was gasping for breath. Blood poured mercilessly out of his deep wounded chest. You could see the torn light pink lung inflating quickly, there was so much blood being lost. You could see his veins clotted in blood, ripped open from his lungs. The blood also gushed out from his deformed mouth, his pupils started to fade which was a sign of his departure. As he took his last, final breath he fled from this world.

    I felt terrified my eyes grew small I tried to get up but I couldn’t I felt vulnerable my eyes went red I grew of anger, then I realized death is inevitable. Along with the other soldiers it was my turn to join them. But, my death was something more tolerable, nothing like being slaughtered in an inhumane way, like my fellow soldiers. However, even though we all died in the end, there is morale to this. That death can approach us at anytime or anyplace. We died as martyrs but every human will die of a different cause. Therefore, take life as an ultimate test and face every calamity, as it comes. This was my last message as slowly the temperature of my body fell rapidly; my rival succeeded my heart stopped...

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    20,214
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    Quote Originally Posted by zeby93 View Post
    please please am new to this forum and i just want an estimated grade and some points please help.
    here is my essay:

    Vultures were flying in circles, ready to dig through dead battered corpses and eat the dead flesh. The ground was scattered with body parts detached from the dead bodies: hands, arms, feet’s and heads.
    Your subject line suggests that you need to write a descriptive piece. Most of it is narrative (quite good narrative though). The above paragraph is descriptive, and you have used description in your narrative.
    Typically in short essay writing, there is a distinction made between narrative - telling a story - and describing something. You probably should check what the writing criteria are.

  3. #3
    zeby93 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Smile Re: please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    thanks, for posting however, what grade do you think ill get i don't want to get a D grade so please be honest and please tell me how i can improve it. Also, thanks for all your advice, that means a lot to me.

    p.s the writing criteria is: inform,explain,describe (AQA)

    thanks in advance.

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    20,214
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    Quote Originally Posted by zeby93 View Post
    please please am new to this forum and i just want an estimated grade and some points please help.
    here is my essay:

    It all started out unexpectedly. The storm began to get worse,
    You don't have a storm yet. Why not start with something like "The storm started unexpectedly, then began to get worse"?
    sounds of the storm roared through the atmosphere, with rage. Everything felt like a blur. Fog spurred over the plains of the battlefield, it was as if the battlefield was abandoned, because of silence that brought cries to each to each dead soul. I could see the soldiers getting ready, praying for their last. Time was running , as fast as an earthquake destroys land within seconds. It was coming to dawn, brave troops waiting to fight for revenge, to quench their thirst of anger with fresh blood.

    The storm stopped, soldiers rushed out onto the battlefield, as fast as a bull, hunting its prey.
    You need to check all of your grammar. I'm not going to correct it all. But here, for example, you don't have a proper sentence. The second two commas shouldn't be there, and you can't join sentences with a comma.

    I could hear air rifles shooting from every angle, sharp like a glimpse of an eye. Vultures flying in circles, ready to dig through dead battered corpses and eat the dead flesh.
    The above isn't a proper sentence. Perhaps you are trying to be too creative. Your imagery is very good, but you're expected to use proper grammar with it.
    The ground was scattered with body parts detached from the dead bodies: hands, arms, feet’s and heads.

    All of a sudden, I had an urge of walking to walk across the battlefield. , It was an awakening response, my heart was racing fast, as I slowly walked through the jaws of death.
    You are using too many 'comma splices'. (Look it up; here's one page): What Is a Comma Splice, and How Do I Fix It?

    As I was walking I stopped. , It got to a point where I couldn’t talk no any more.
    Here's another comma splice.

    I stood still and froze in isolation and a thought , cropped up in my
    You also need to review commas in general. Why are you putting a comma between the subject and the verb?

    mind. , Though, I don’t mind looking at dead flesh, I wouldn’t want my flesh to be eaten by creatures. This thought was eating me inside, the sense of reality had been established, I knew this wasn’t a dream. The thought was mortally scary, that I couldn’t take it any longer. All I felt was loneliness and pain, as one day every living soul will bear such a punishment, they
    splice
    will taste death the true reality of life, and one must go through. While I was thinking looking at the deceased, brought another strong thought to my mind.
    What brought another thought into your mind?

    The bodies that lie here will perish one day , they will lie here for days, months and years.
    Splice.
    But, eventually these bodes lying here will disintegrate, the flawless skin will perish, but all that will remain is hollow bones.
    Good. This is an actual sentence! Can you see why this is a sentence and the other ones aren't?

    Suddenly, my heart started pounding from my chest, moist soaked to the skin, from my cold head. Sweat was streaming down my disturbed face. I turned pale and collapsed on the ground, trying to yearn for breath.
    You don't "try to yearn" for something.

    I got up slowly and felt energy growing inside me, as my body began to feel warm my temperature began to return back to its normal state.
    splice.
    I was woken up from my fears, my heart rendered of unnaturalness. I felt like a supernatural being. I continued, deeper into the wilderness and trying to think of what other vulnerable images, which lie in the mysterious desolate field.

    Suddenly, someone grabbed me and held a torrential pistol on my head. He was forcing me to betray my native country, [splice] repeatedly I refused and out of nowhere I was pounded on the head with a Pistol, [another splice]thick blood was pouring down from my left eye. I was blind as a bat; yet, I do not like bats.
    [Read to here]
    Slowly I was losing consciousness my vision grew fainter, my eyes drooped down it was as if my body organs were declining. Their, I was paralyzed and trying, to regain consciousness again. There were two bodyguards holding me from my numb, fragile neck. They shoved me in a black jeep and took me back to the battlefield.

    Finally, we arrived at the battlefield, where my soldier’s bodies laid. They opened the car and threw me out; again I could here the sounds of air rifles, bullets piercing through brave soldiers as I laid helplessly, my heart was being punctured with innocent cries of pain. One of our great soldiers was heavily wounded; he was bleeding internally, the deathly bullet plundered deep through his lungs. He was drowning in his own thick blood, as he was gasping for breath. Blood poured mercilessly out of his deep wounded chest. You could see the torn light pink lung inflating quickly, there was so much blood being lost. You could see his veins clotted in blood, ripped open from his lungs. The blood also gushed out from his deformed mouth, his pupils started to fade which was a sign of his departure. As he took his last, final breath he fled from this world.

    I felt terrified my eyes grew small I tried to get up but I couldn’t I felt vulnerable my eyes went red I grew of anger, then I realized death is inevitable. Along with the other soldiers it was my turn to join them. But, my death was something more tolerable, nothing like being slaughtered in an inhumane way, like my fellow soldiers. However, even though we all died in the end, there is morale to this. That death can approach us at anytime or anyplace. We died as martyrs but every human will die of a different cause. Therefore, take life as an ultimate test and face every calamity, as it comes. This was my last message as slowly the temperature of my body fell rapidly; my rival succeeded my heart stopped...
    Overall this would be a good essay, but it seems that you don't have a feeling for what is a proper sentence and what isn't. A good author can get away with some sentence fragments and strange commas. But you need to go through the whole essay and take each sentence out of context and examine it. Is it a proper sentence? If not, fix it.
    You need to revise commas more than anything.
    There are a few other errors in word usage, but they are not what will get you a D. The sentence structuring might.

  5. #5
    zeby93 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    Thanks you've helped me sorry am asking for a lot you see am having to retake my aqa gcse english again.. i really need help i don't know how to fix it?. Because my cousin looked at it for me she is 26 she said its a very good piece of writing. but then again your an english teacher you must be acing your pupils with A* :) could you please help me more? give examples or if your willing to be my tutor i don't mind paying as your doing your job?
    also could you tell me what grade is at, at this moment of time?

    thanks

  6. #6
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    20,214
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: please any one mark my english essay (descriptive writing)

    Quote Originally Posted by zeby93 View Post
    Thanks you've helped me sorry am asking for a lot you see am having to retake my aqa gcse english again.. i really need help i don't know how to fix it?. Because my cousin looked at it for me she is 26 she said its a very good piece of writing. but then again your an english teacher you must be acing your pupils with A* :) could you please help me more? give examples or if your willing to be my tutor i don't mind paying as your doing your job?
    also could you tell me what grade is at, at this moment of time?

    thanks
    No, sorry, I can't do that. Somebody else might offer.
    I don't work in a classroom. I teach but I generally don't examine.

    I've told you the aspects which you need to work on - you need to learn what a proper sentence is; and you need to learn how to use commas.
    If you want to re-write this using acceptable sentences I will have another look at it.
    At least learn what a comma splice is first, and fix your sentences so that they do not appear.
    Here is a comma splice, do you see why this is wrong?
    The above is two sentences.
    Have you read the link I've given you?
    Any grammar book will tell you what a legitimate sentence is and how to use commas; and many websites will too. Look up "sentence grammar".
    You can post any specific questions you have about sentences in the "Ask a Teacher" section.

    By the way, your cousin is wrong. Being 26 does not make one literate - otherwise there'd be no point in education. You'd just need to wait until you were old enough to know things.

Similar Threads

  1. What is needed to write a good essay?
    By Lana_J in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 29-Mar-2009, 20:52
  2. Please check my writing for mistakes!
    By flowerseed in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 12-Oct-2008, 15:40
  3. What is an english corner?
    By Guest in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 04-Oct-2008, 01:20
  4. mark off and mark out
    By jiang in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 16-Apr-2008, 15:43
  5. Please check my essay
    By Raiph in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 23-Oct-2006, 03:16

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •