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  1. #1
    NarutoDude's Avatar
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    Default Can someone edit this for me?

    I need help editing this story. I'm in grade 8 and our stories have to be a myth, legend or epic about greek gods. In class, we were suppose to peer edit but my partner won't do anything.

    Rise of the Zombies
    It was a typical day in Greece. Farmers farmed, workers worked, teachers taught. Apollo was paying Athena a visit at her home on Mount Olympus.
    “How is it going, Athena?”
    “Nothing much, the usual stuff.” was Athena’s reply. Everything remained peaceful until now…

    “Charge!” cried Athena, as Apollo shot an arrow, killing a dozen zombies. As soon as the zombies hit the ground, more zombies replaced them. Athena slaughtered the advancing zombies with her sword.
    “There’s no end to this!” exclaimed Apollo as he shot a shower of arrows across the army of zombies, “There’s too many of them!”
    “Someone must be giving commands to all these zombies, we need to find that person in order to win this quarrel.” replied Athena as she slashed a zombie who was about to punch her, “Back me up; I’m going the hole where these zombies emerged from.”
    “I will.”
    Athena charged through the battlefield. Apollo shot silvery arrows in front of Athena, killing an immense number of zombies while creating a pathway for Athena. Athena dashed through the pathway, slashing zombies that took the place of the fallen ones.
    The hole was getting closer and closer. Athena could see a dark shadow up ahead, in front of the hole. She could see him now; the evil grin, the bloodthirsty eyes; Ares.
    “Athena, looks like you found me. Now die!” scorned Ares as he ran towards Athena. Suddenly, a silver arrow flew towards Ares; he dodged it by a few millimeters. Ares halted his steps and took a few paces back. Apollo got past the zombies and arrived beside Athena. The zombies instantly formed a wall around the two of them.
    “There’s no way we can get through all these zombies,” exclaimed Apollo, “We have to retreat for now.”
    Athena was about to agree when, without warning, a yellow blur came from the sky and struck Ares in the chest; he died instantly. Zeus then arrived to retrieve his thunderbolt from Ares’ dead body. The zombies, seeing that their leader was defeated, started retreating into the hole.
    “Not so fast!” cried Zeus, as he hurled his thunderbolt as hard as he could at the last zombie to escape. The impact from his thunderbolt caused the hole to collapse.
    “They got away,” commented Apollo.
    “What were those things?” asked Zeus.
    “We should go somewhere else to talk. It’s not safe here,” Athena suggested.

    “You have failed me, Ares,” said a dark shadow.
    “I apologize, my lord. But Zeus caught me by surprise.”
    “I see, so Zeus killed you,” said the mysterious figure as he stood up, “send him to Tartarus.”
    Two zombies grabbed Ares and dragged him away. Ares screamed in despair, “Please, please spare me! No...!”

    Meanwhile, Apollo, Athena, and Zeus arrived at Zeus’ palace.
    “This doesn’t make sense. The zombies emerged from the ground when you and Athena were drinking tea. Afterwards, they attacked you.”
    “Exactly.” replied Apollo.
    “But how could Ares have created all those zombies.” questioned Zeus, “The only person who has the potential to create zombies is H-”
    Crash! One of the walls collapsed, revealing a massive army of zombies. One of them was blazing with flames.
    “Kill them.” said a voice coming from behind the zombies. The zombies dispatched immediately. Zeus threw his thunderbolt. It hit countless zombies. Athena and Apollo got into position as well.
    “These wimps cannot defeat me. Come out, whoever you are.” demanded Zeus.
    “Hello, Zeus,” sneered Hades as he emerged beside Zeus’s thunderbolt, “Ares, my faithful servant, told me that you killed him.”
    “Hades, so it was you.” said Zeus with intimidation, “What do you want?”
    “This.” Hades replied as picked up the thunderbolt, “I can create infernos under my control using the power of your thunderbolt. Infernos can be made from zombies when your thunderbolt hits it at full force. The inferno here was created when you threw your thunderbolt at it. I will take this thunderbolt back to my lair; afterwards I can create an army of infernos using the device I built. Using the infernos, I can dominate the whole world!”
    Hades disappeared in a flash, taking Zeus’ thunderbolt with him.
    “Wait!” shouted Zeus as he was about to chase after Hades. Suddenly, the inferno jumped in front of Zeus, blocking his path. The fires on its body were sizzling, as if it was furious. The zombies attacked Zeus, Athena, and Apollo as well.
    “You two go on, I’ll fend off these nuisances,” said Zeus. Athena and Apollo departed at once.

    “How are we going to find Hades now? He is probably using his helmet, so he’s invisible right now.”
    “Even though he’s invisible, he will still leave footprints. There are some footprints here.”
    The footprints lead to an eerie-looking palace.
    “Hades is probably inside,” whispered Apollo. They found an entrance at the side of the palace.
    “Be careful, it’s dark inside,” warned Athena. They crept through the darkness.
    “There are dead bodies here,” said Apollo, “It also smells bad.”
    All of a sudden, a spear flew at them from the darkness. They dodged it with ease.
    Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! More spears followed the first. Athena and Apollo turned around and ran. All of a sudden, the ground below them collapsed to reveal the never-ending darkness below.
    “Ahhhhhh!” screamed Athena and Apollo as they fell. They were buffeted into walls and falling debris as they fell. At long last, they crash-landed on to a heap of rocks.
    “Where is the place? And what is that?” Athena wondered, looking at a massive structure of pure diamond.
    “Look, the thunderbolt!” blurted Apollo as he pointed at the center of the machine. Zeus’ thunderbolt was attached to it.
    “Kill them both,” hissed Hades from the darkness.
    Countless zombies jumped out of the shadows and lunged at Athena and Apollo. Athena stabbed a zombie in the chest while Apollo created a skewer of zombies. New zombies replaced the defeated ones instantly.
    “These zombies are such nuisances,” said Apollo with annoyance, “Why not we do what we did last time; you charge forward while I clear your path.”
    “Great idea.” replied Athena. She drew her sword and charged into the army. Apollo shot continuous showers of arrows in front of her. When she reached Hades, she caught him by surprise. Athena dealt a blow to Hades that sent him flying to his machine. Hades crashed into it; then he fell down to the ground, unconscious. After realizing that their master was vulnerable, all of Hades’ zombies merged together to form a barrier around Hades, making it impossible for Athena and Apollo to attack him. Apollo shot an arrow at the barrier, but it simply bounced off.
    “What’re we going to do?” wondered Athena.
    “We can try using Zeus’ thunderbolt to destroy the zombies and Hades altogether. I think his machine is used to create an enormous impact using Zeus’ thunderbolt. The impact will cause the zombies to transform into infernos. However, if Hades is killed, his powers, which are his zombies, will be gone as well.” Athena analysed, “Do you see those dials? I think those are the controls.”
    “You’re right. You wait here; I’ll manipulate the machine. Be aware of any signs of danger.”
    Apollo ran to the machine and jumped on to it. He deftly scaled the structure. Before long, he reached the controls. There were a power gauge and a red button. Apollo switched the power gauge to full power; then he pushed the red button. The instant he pressed it, the whole machine sprang to life. The machine spoke in a mechanical voice “Preparing to fire at full power. Warning: The amount of power used will cause system to explode.
    The machine jerked wildly. Apollo fell down from the machine.
    “We need to get out of here, it’s going to explode!” shouted Apollo.
    “I found way out while you were configuring the machine. This way!” said Athena, as she led Apollo to a dwindling staircase. They ran as fast as their legs could carry them. They could hear the machine down below.
    “Firing in 10, 9, 8...
    The exit was in sight.
    4, 3...
    Only a few meters to go.
    1
    KABOOM! The palace was encased in a blazing eruption. Athena and Apollo were out just in time. Behind them, the deafening explosion left a massive impression where Hades’ palace was. Zeus then arrived; it turned out that the zombies all perished along with Hades.

    Hades was defeated. When the smoke cleared, no traces of the zombies could be found. Zeus’ thunderbolt was found erected in the center of all the damage. There will be no more zombie attacks - for now.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Can someone edit this for me?

    Quote Originally Posted by NarutoDude View Post

    She could see him now; the evil grin, the bloodthirsty eyes; Ares.
    I'd use a dash here. " ... eyes - Ares."
    Your punctuation and writing of dialogue are superb.
    All learners should read this.

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can someone edit this for me?

    A couple of suggestions:
    .
    Everything was peaceful until suddenly....
    "Now die!" shouted Ares.
    He dodged it. It missed him by a few millimeters.
    The footprints led to an eerie-looking palace.
    They slammed into walls and were battered by falliing debris as they fell.


    Can't Zeus always make more thunderbolts? (I don't know where he gets them, but I think he has an endless supply.)

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can someone edit this for me?

    Actually, now that this post has been revived, there is one consistent punctuation error, exemplified by:

    “Nothing much, the usual stuff.” was Athena’s reply. and
    “Exactly.” replied Apollo.

    We don't use two periods in a sentence. The period after the dialogue should be a comma. You can use other marks, such as question marks, explanation marks, etc., but not periods.

    “Exactly,” replied Apollo.
    “Exactly!” replied Apollo.
    “Exactly?” replied Apollo.
    but not
    * “Exactly.” replied Apollo.


  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can someone edit this for me?

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Actually, now that this post has been revived, there is one consistent punctuation error, exemplified by:

    “Nothing much, the usual stuff.” was Athena’s reply. and
    “Exactly.” replied Apollo.

    We don't use two periods in a sentence. The period after the dialogue should be a comma. You can use other marks, such as question marks, explanation marks, etc., but not periods.

    “Exactly,” replied Apollo.
    “Exactly!” replied Apollo.
    “Exactly?” replied Apollo.
    but not
    * “Exactly.” replied Apollo.
    Good point! For example, you might say:
    .
    “Great idea!” replied Athena.


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