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    • Join Date: Nov 2009
    • Posts: 3
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    #1

    Need someone to take a look at editing please.

    This will be a parent dedication page for a graduation.
    thanks for your consideration.

    You have waited for this moment
    
Now, at last, it has come true
    
You have finally reached the summit

    And, we are all quite proud of you
    You are worthy of this triumph

    No one could deserve it more
    
So, embrace this time before you
    
as you spread your wings and soar.


    You have worked for countless hours
    
From dawn ‘til the setting sun
    
Never knowing where the outcome

    Would lead, as each day was done
    
You stayed focused on the challenge

    While you prepared to compete
    And the days ‘til now were worth it
    
Your success has made them complete.


    You have waited for graduation

    And at last, it has arrived
    
Now, you stand triumphant

    your heart and soul revived
    
From this time, you’ll move onward

    Toward your future aspirations
    
But this day, enjoy your moment
    
With our joyous congratulations!


  1. buggles's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

    • Join Date: Aug 2007
    • Posts: 3,990
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    #2

    Re: Need someone to take a look at editing please.

    I've taken the liberty of altering things to make them scan a little better. I hope I haven't spoiled it for you.

    You've waited for this moment.
    At last, it has come true.
    You've finally reached the summit

    And we're really proud of you.
    You're worthy of this triumph

    No one deserves it more
    Embrace this time before you
    Spread your wings and soar.


    You've worked for countless hours
    From dawn till setting sun
    Ne'er knowing where the outcome

    Would lead when each day's done.
    You focused on the challenge

    While preparing to compete
    The days till now were worth it
    Success made them complete.


    You've waited for graduation

    At last, it has arrived.
    You stand here now triumphant

    Your heart and soul revived.
    From now you’ll all move onward

    To future aspirations.
    Today enjoy your moment
    With our congratulations!



    Obviously, these things are subjective, but I hope my suggestions provide food for thought.


    buggles (not a teacher)


    • Join Date: Nov 2009
    • Posts: 3
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Thumbs up Re: Need someone to take a look at editing please.

    I wanted to capture the struggles yet highlight the acheivement.
    You've embraced the ideal and polished it nicely.
    Thanks so much!

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