Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    san2612 is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    256
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


    Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world , I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

    Technology is very popular in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in household helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash manually, but they can use washing machine.

    Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and air-plane, and see many new interesting things around the world. In addition, they communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

    But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier. Clear progress in medicine, use new technologies to diagnose and combat diseases make therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy. Statistics show that life expectancy is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80 and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

    So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will!

  2. #2
    sultanee is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Oman
      • Current Location:
      • Oman
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    26
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    I think there is nothing wrong with this essay

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is online now VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,736
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


    Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world, I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we can/could hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

    Technology is very popular in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in the household helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash manually, but since they can use the washing machine.
    (since/as/because) You're giving the reason they don't have to wash manually. 'But' doesn't do this.

    Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and air-plane, and see many new interesting things around the world. In addition, they communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

    But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier. [really?] Clear progress in medicine, use new technologies [The sentence up to here needs revising] to diagnose and combat diseases and make therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy. Statistics show that life expectancy is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80 and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

    So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will!
    This sentence might escape notice by the examiner. But it speaks about the future, which is not strictly the topic.
    R.

  4. #4
    pyoung is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    909
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    Dear san2612:
    I enjoyed reading your essay. You clearly have put thought and energy into its creation.
    Here are a few comments and suggestions:

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place to live. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


    Although many people blame technology for destroying nature and causing pollution, and say that it is the worst evil in the world , I still believe that it has greatly changed our lives for the better as we can hardly imagine what would happen if we went for a day without technology.

    It will be good to include a paragraph in which you anticipate the arguments against your position, but I would not include them in the opening paragraph. Instead, it might be better to stick to a positive statement of your thesis.

    Technology is very popular (consider using a different word. Whether or not technology is popular is beside the point of your essay.) in our daily life thanks to its advantages. As we know, firstly, technology in the home helps people do the housework. For example, housewives do not need to wash clothes manually; they can use a washing machine.

    Another reason why I advocate the viewpoint that technology has made the world a better place to live is that it makes the world smaller. Nowadays, people can travel faster and easier to other places by car, bus and airplane, and see many new and interesting things around the world. In addition, they can communicate with people in different countries through the Internet and by phones, which saves them lots of time and money.

    But the most worthwhile benefit technology has brought to us is that it makes us healthier and happier improved health and happiness. Clear progress in medicine, using new technologies to diagnose and combat diseases makes therapy more effective. It allows us to cure serious diseases such as cancer and cardiopathy (heart disease). Statistics show that life expectancy in some parts of the world is getting longer. In Europe, for example, today life expectancy has climbed past 80, and people are glad to be alive; the longer they live in good health, the happier they feel they are.

    So, as we go forward into this ‘magical future’, will technology make the world a better place to live? Experts say it will! It would be more effective to conclude with a brief reminder to the reader of your main points. This is not the place to introduce anything new. The future is off topic and your argument is unsupported.
    In addition, you may want to clarify what you mean by 'technology.' The shovel was a technological achievement as was the wheel. You may even want to mention that the technology you are discussing (electronic technology for the most part, I think) is only the most recent example of technological evolution and that the harm or benefit of technology rests in the intention of its users.

    I hope this is helpful,

    Petra

  5. #5
    san2612 is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    256
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    Thanks for your correction.
    I've corrected the conclusion. Can you help me to check it?

    "Every thing around us was developed by a technological advances. Machines, means of communication and medicines are some areas with an amazing growing in the last ten years. But as well as its benefits, technology can cause harm if it slaves for bad intentions."
    Last edited by san2612; 21-Nov-2009 at 08:46.

  6. #6
    pyoung is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    909
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Technology in our lives ~please correct my essay

    Dear san:

    Quote Originally Posted by san2612 View Post
    Thanks for your correction.
    I've corrected the conclusion. Can you help me to check it?

    "Every thing around us was developed by a technological advances. Machines, means of communication and medicines are some areas with an amazing growth in the last ten years. (But as well as its benefits, technology can cause harm if it slaves for bad intentions.")Since you are arguing that technology is overall a good thing, you probably don't want to leave your reader with this thought.

Similar Threads

  1. would you please correct this essay ?
    By RoseSpring in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 31-Mar-2009, 20:31
  2. please correct my essay
    By lauretta86 in forum Letter Writing
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-Mar-2009, 00:37
  3. [Essay] Please correct my essay :$
    By Leking in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 23-Jan-2009, 10:19
  4. please help me to correct my essay. thanks a million.
    By eric2004 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 05-Nov-2003, 14:10

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •