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  1. #1
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    Topic: Modern medicine helps to live long life. Do you agree?


    With the advent of modern medicine, people in the world are living longer now. For example, in Japan, the country with the longest life expectancy, women live for 86 years on average, and men for 79. Therefore, I agree that modern medicine helps to live long life.

    One of the main things that has increased the average life-span is that more children are living through child birth, which is one of the great advancement and benefits of modern medicine. Now most babies are born in a hospital where there are emergency equipment and qualified doctors and nurses to deal with anything that might go wrong.

    Another main thing is that modern medicine can prevent incurable diseases and serious illness, which seemed to be fatal many years ago. For example, major diseases like cholera and typhoid fever known in America and Europe are now being prevented by vaccines. So people can live without fearing the attack of those diseases.

    In addition to this, modern medicine helps the old to live longer now than ever before. There are people living up to 100 years old or more. But many of them become addictive to medicine and cannot live without it. They have to take medicines all their lives. Also there are health care plans for the elderly. They are regularly given money to enjoy the rest of their lives with happiness and satisfaction.

    To summarize; in my personal view, modern medicine is helping to lengthen life of babies, the ill and the elderly . In the coming years, we may hope to see an even greater increase in life expectancy thanks to the advance of medicine.
    Last edited by san2612; 24-Nov-2009 at 08:41.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    With the advent of modern medicine, people are now living longer in the world. For example, in the country with the longest highest life expectancy, Japan, women have a life expectancy of for 86 years on average, and men for 79 years. Therefore, I agree that modern medicine helps contributes to live long prolong life.

    One of the main (things/factors) that which has increased the average life-span/ life expecancy) is that more an increasing number of children are living through surviving child birth, which is one of due to the great advancement and benefits of modern medicine.

    (On of the main things/factors which has increased average life-span is an increased number of children surviving child birth due to the great advancement and benifts of modern medicin.)

    Nowadays most babies are born in a hospitals where there is emergency equipment and, qualified doctors and nurses to deal with anything that might go wrong.

    Another (main thing/factor) is that modern medicine can prevent incurable diseases and serious illnesses, which seemed to be was fatal many years ago. For example, major diseases like cholera and typhoid fever known in America and Europe are now being prevented by vaccines. So For this reason people can live without fear ing the attack of those of becoming sick with these diseases.

    In addition to this, modern medicine helps the old to live longer has improved the health of the elderly population now than ever before. There are people up to who are 100 years or older living today old or more. But many of them have become addictive (??) to medicine and cannot live without it. They have to take medicines all their lives. Also there are health care plans for the elderly people. They are regularly given money receive retirement pension to enjoy the rest of their lives with happiness and satisfaction.

    To summarize; in my personal view, modern medicine is helping to lengthen has improved life-expectancy of babies newborn, the ill and the elderly. In the coming years, we may hope to might see an even greater increase in life expectancy thanks to the advance of medicine.


    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Indeed even without my corrections I was able to read and understand your text very well. You have done a good job! Why then correcting? I was not sure what you needed help with? I have corrected the grammatical errors I saw in your text. But I am not a teacher, only a student like yourself. Anyone else need to confirm my corrections. What I have added is in italics while I have put a stroke over your text where it is not needed.

    Eventually, what do you mean by [eldery] becoming addictive on medicine? Do you mean addicitive medicine/drugs? Or do you mean that some elderly have become dependent on life-saving medicine?
    Last edited by MissB; 24-Nov-2009 at 13:49.

  3. #3
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    To summarize; in my personal view, modern medicine has improved life expectancy of newborn, the ill and the elderly .


    I wonder whether it is 'newborn' or 'the newborn' because 'newborn' is an adjective.

  4. #4
    grey is offline Newbie
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    Smile Re: Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    although there are some minor mistakes, you essay is still categorize as a good and common writing.

    If this is 10 rating, i will gives you a 8.


    in my human dictionary, it should be newborn.
    there is not such combination with the with newborn
    'cause this is a abstract noun thus we can use the in this sentence
    i am not a teacher but my confidence gives me the answer.
    Last edited by grey; 24-Nov-2009 at 16:43.

  5. #5
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    newborn
    -as collective noun; preceded by the: the newborn
    newborn -(noun) a baby from birth to four weeks

    So should it be "newborns" as a plural noun or "the newborn" as collective noun?

  6. #6
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Ielt writing~please rate my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by MissB View Post
    With the advent of modern medicine, people are now living longer in the world. For example, in the country with the longest highest life expectancy, Japan, women have a life expectancy of for 86 years on average, and men for 79 years. Therefore, I agree that modern medicine helps contributes to live long prolong life.

    One of the main (things/factors) that which has increased the average life-span/ life expecancy) is that more an increasing number of children are living through surviving child birth, which is one of due to the great advancement and benefits of modern medicine.

    (On of the main things/factors which has increased average life-span is an increased number of children surviving child birth due to the great advancement and benifts of modern medicin.)

    Nowadays most babies are born in a hospitals where there is emergency equipment and, qualified doctors and nurses to deal with anything that might go wrong.

    Another (main thing/factor) is that modern medicine can prevent incurable diseases and serious illnesses, which seemed to be was fatal many years ago. For example, major diseases like cholera and typhoid fever known in America and Europe are now being prevented by vaccines. So For this reason people can live without fear ing the attack of those of becoming sick with these diseases.

    In addition to this, modern medicine helps the old to live longer has improved the health of the elderly population now than ever before. There are people up to who are 100 years or older living today old or more. But many of them have become addictive (??) to medicine and cannot live without it. They have to take medicines all their lives. Also there are health care plans for the elderly people. They are regularly given money receive retirement pension to enjoy the rest of their lives with happiness and satisfaction.

    To summarize; in my personal view, modern medicine is helping to lengthen has improved life-expectancy of babies newborn, the ill and the elderly. In the coming years, we may hope to might see an even greater increase in life expectancy thanks to the advance of medicine.


    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Indeed even without my corrections I was able to read and understand your text very well. You have done a good job! Why then correcting? I was not sure what you needed help with? I have corrected the grammatical errors I saw in your text. But I am not a teacher, only a student like yourself. Anyone else need to confirm my corrections. What I have added is in italics while I have put a stroke over your text where it is not needed.

    Eventually, what do you mean by [eldery] becoming addictive on medicine? Do you mean addicitive medicine/drugs? Or do you mean that some elderly have become dependent on life-saving medicine?
    "For example, example Eritrean men increased their average life span by 33 years to ... In Australia, men have a life expectancy of 79, an increase of five years since ... Women in Japan who have the world's longest life expectancy at 86. ..."

    That's what I find from the website:

    http://www.soschildrensvillages.org....y-sierra-leone-

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