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  1. #1
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Need help with my grammar

    hello! im just new here and i need your help..
    here's my introductory speech..
    pls tell me if my grammar is correct becoz im not that really good at writing. and any suggestion on how can i make it more interesting..


    a boy named bariz

    Did you ever try help someone when you were a kid? well i want to share to you a story about me when i was a kid.

    One day, when I was in elementary, I saw a boy from my class that was walking home from school. As I was passing by, I saw this kid running toward the boy. The kid ran at him and bullied the boy until he landed on the grass. The boy looked up and I saw this sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. I jogged toward him and saw tears in his eye. As I handed him my hand, I said “That kid was jerk.” The boy looked at me and said “thank you”. There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. The next day I saw the kid, who bullied the boy, walking alone. I approached him and told him not to hurt anyone again. But when I’m finished talking, he suddenly punched me in the face. I was shocked and I felt blood coming out of my nose. of course I was crying when a guy came to stop us. Since that day, the kid stops bullying everyone.

    Yes I'm that boy who was punched in the face and cried but I am happy to introduce to you myself. I'm Bariz a boy who grew in the small town of la union. my mother gave birth to me on hot noon day of september 17, 1990. we moved here in baguio when i was fourteen. and continued studying at university of baguio high school until 4th year high school. now im taking bachelor of science in civil engineering at saint louis university. with my family we are currently living at san carlos heights baguio city.
    i love playing basketball , playing computer games and going out with my friends.

    me and a blanket have something in common. a blanket can comfort someone that is in pain. if my friends are in need i sometimes try to be there for them. i cheer for them when they are sad and i encourage them when they lost hope. but just like any blanket there are times that i am alone. a time when i'm the one that is in need. but im lucky to have a friend that is always there for me. you will not know what is inside a blanket unless you open it. To know me better, just ask me. dont worry im will not eat you.

    i will end my speech with the famous line of pacquiao " you know, you know, you know, thanks god".
    Last edited by mushishi; 27-Nov-2009 at 11:45.

  2. #2
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    Thanks for the interesting story. I also enjoy the introduction:

    "Helping people in need is a good and essential part of my life, a kind of destiny” is a famous quote by Zig Ziglar. In our life today, where crimes are increasing, everyone needs a hero that will be there in time of need. I remember a story about myself when I was a boy.

    However, it is hard to find an hero in the stress today.
    Who will be the one jump into the water to save a child from drowning ?
    Who will rush headlong into a burning house to save life of a complete stranger or even a screaming kitten?

    This is only my thought.

    As I walked by, I saw this kid running toward the boy.
    I think it should be "As I was passing by, I saw..."

    When I saw the blood that was coming out of my nose I cried. I looked at the kid’s face and grabbed the kid’s hair. I pulled his hair and I got some. Then a guy came to stop us. (need a sentence to make it clearer to transform from one thing to another)
    Remembering that day is like comparing myself to a blanket.

    I'm only a student like you.
    Last edited by san2612; 26-Nov-2009 at 14:25.

  3. #3
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    thank you... (:

    if you also need something just say it maybe i can help..

    any suggestion where in my speech should i put some personal info about me like my name. coz i somehow forgot to write it.. :<

  4. #4
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    Thanks, Mushishi
    I need many things :- P
    but now I'm feeling blue and want to read another interesting story of yours.
    Will you continue your writing? I will read it.


    "any suggestion where in my speech should i put some personal info about me like my name. coz i somehow forgot to write it.. :< "

    You shouldn't put your name in your writing.

  5. #5
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    i need to put my name coz its a self introductory speech..
    anyways.. why feeling blue? do you have any problem?? maybe i can help.. ^^ is that about a girl??

    ahh. i edit some of my speech. is it better now?? or worst??
    Last edited by mushishi; 26-Nov-2009 at 13:13.

  6. #6
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    "Blanket"
    "Helping people in need is a good and essential part of my life, a kind of destiny”
    It seem to have no relation

    of course I cried then a guy came to stop us. Since that day, the kid stops bullying someone.

    It should be written : "of course I was crying when a guy came to stop us. Since that day, the kid stops bullying everyone."

    _If it is a speech, it is better for you to give an introduction and I like this sentence :
    I'm Bariz a boy who grew in the small town of La Union. my mother gave birth to me in hot noon day of september 17, 1990.
    It is quite nature.

    However,
    "my mother gave birth to me in hot noon day of september 17, 1990. "

    I think it should be "my mother gave birth to me on a hot noon day of september 17, 1990.

    _blanket that is caring, comforting, and loving. Sometimes when my family, relatives, and friends need help, I’m doing my best to help them and being there for them when they needed me the most. I will share to you a short poem entitled blankets by Joseph. Her love is the long lost blanket of my youth. A blanket that wraps me in peace and comfort everywhere I go. There is no place that I would travel without her. She gives me unique warmth weaved within her heart. If ever I feel fearful or insecure, she simply caresses my cheek. Her touch and scent soothes my soul like tender notes of music. She is a great joy to fall asleep with each night and wake with every morning.

    But just like other blanket. You can use it every time but you will not be able use it when you washed it and put it in a clothesline. To use it again, it needs the heat from the sun that will dry it. As compared to me there will be a time when I can’t help those who need me and be there for those who needed me the most.

    I find it hard to understand the paragraph about the blanket.

    Helping and being there for other people in need and not expecting anything in return is a true hero.
    This conclusion has no relation with "blanket"

    _ I'm feeling blue 'cause I failed my exam but I'll be much better, thanks
    Last edited by san2612; 27-Nov-2009 at 13:05.

  7. #7
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    the last part im still working on it ^^ i will add some on that part and remove some..

    what subject is that??

    just dont give up you can do it.. ^^

  8. #8
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    finally im done. is it good?? do you think it can last for 3-4 minutes?

    does my ending okey?


    by the way may i ask whats your NASL?
    name:
    age:
    sex:
    location:

    ^^ so that i can call you by name. chat room?

  9. #9
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    A boy named Bariz

    Did you ever try help someone when you were a kid? Well I want to share you a story about me when I was a kid.

    Since that day, the kid stoped bullying everyone.

    I'm Bariz a boy who grew in the small town of la union. My mother gave birth to me on a hot noon day of september 17, 1990. We moved to Baguio when I was fourteen and I continued studying at university of Baguio high school until 4th year high school. Now I'm taking bachelor of science in civil engineering at saint louis university. With my family I am living at san carlos heights baguio city.

    After a punctuation mark, you need to capitalise.
    _Name of the places and pronoun "I" need to be written in capital letters.

    I and a blanket have something in common

    I cheer them up when they are sad and encourage them when they lose hope.

    Yes I'm the boy who was punched in the face and cried. Now I am happy to introduce myself.

    The time when i'm the one that is in need ( The time when I'm in need/ The time when I do also need the care from someone)
    and I'm lucky enought to have a friend who will always be there with me. ( I prefer using the word "who")

    I will end my speech with the famous line of pacquiao " you know, you know, you know, thanks god".
    ( I don't know what "pacquiao" mean but I think it should be " God, you know, you know, thanks (very much))

    _ My nationality?? I'm Vietnamese. You can call me "San". It's my nickname.
    My facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...3072367&ref=nf
    Last edited by san2612; 28-Nov-2009 at 04:27.

  10. #10
    mushishi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Need help with my grammar

    thanks san...

    you havent watch the interview of manny pacquiao?
    try watching it at youtube..

    thank you so much.. ^^
    gudluck on your studies..

    let me add you at facebook.. ^^

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