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  1. #1
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Question Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    "Ignorance"

    Once upon a time, a little lamb used to have green grass during spring and summer. She was being fastened around a huge tree, as an umbrella shading over her, while eating. The grass was fresh and soft and she became fresh and happy to be at ease. After passing the first half of the year, the lamb grew and needed to eat more. The color of grass turned yellow and got less and less tasty and the umbrella was missing its leaves. The lamb's joy to have yellow grass was little. Missing her sense of taste, the fatty lamb was revolving around the tree to find out any green grass. Winter came and she was hungry. The earth was filled with snow and the tree shading over her with icy synclines. Now, she was afraid of dying of hunger. Loosing the ropes, She got the way out to look for green grass somewhere across her land.

  2. #2
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    I wish someone edited my passage.

  3. #3
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    poor lamb! people have ignored you.

  4. #4
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    I don't understand why this writing named "Ignorance" and why "The color of grass turned yellow and got less and less tasty and the umbrella was missing its leaves." ? Do you want to say that it was because the winter came ?

  5. #5
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    Yes. Because the lamb ignored what changed environment, and she enjoyed that time.

  6. #6
    san2612 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    I think any reader will hardly understand why the writing named "Ignorance". So you should add a sentence:

    After passing the first half of the year, the lamb grew and (needed to eat) ate more and more. But she ignored what was changing the environment. The color of grass turned yellow and got less and less tasty and the umbrella was missing its leaves. The lamb's joy to have yellow grass was little. Missing her sense of taste, the fatty lamb was revolving around the tree to find out any green grass. Winter came and she was hungry. The earth was filled with snow and the tree shading over her with icy synclines. Now, she was afraid of dying of hunger. Loosing the ropes, She got the way out to look for green grass somewhere across her land.
    (I'm a student)
    Last edited by san2612; 29-Nov-2009 at 14:27.

  7. #7
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    O' thank you for your suggestion.

  8. #8
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    Smile Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    Blue= my suggestions
    Red= the parts that should be removed

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    "Ignorance"

    Once upon a time, there lived a little lamb that used to eathave green grass during spring and summer. She was being fastened aroundto a huge tree, aswith an umbrella shading over her, while eating. The grass was fresh and soft and she rejoiced at living in peace became fresh and happy to be at ease.
    ********

    After the first half of the year, the lamb had grownup and needed to eat more. The color ofgrasshad turned yellow and began to lose its tastefulnessgot less and less tasty and the umbrella(?)tree had already started to wasshedmissing its leaves.
    The lamb's joy to have yellow grass was little.

    ********


    Missinglosing her sense of taste, the fatty fatlamb was revolving around the tree to find outany somegreen grass.

    ! The two events don't make good simultaneous actions.

    ********

    Winter hadcome and she was hungry. The earth ground was filled blanketedwith snow and the tree shading over her withwas covered with frosticy synclines.
    ********


    Now, she was afraid of dying of hunger. Loosing the ropes, She managed to find a way outgot the way out to look for green grass somewhere across her land.
    About your message I have to say that a busy life is not the only major problem. Anyhow, I suppose I'm not going to be around much in the future.

    Bye,
    Last edited by chester_100; 02-Dec-2009 at 13:46.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    If the lamb was tied to a tree much of the time it probably didn't get enough to eat. And if the lamb wasn't getting enough to eat it would be a lean lamb, not a fat one.

    I understand that "umbrella" refers to the tree, but if it were me I would stick to calling it a tree.


  10. #10
    Ever Student's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you please take a glance at "Ignorance"?

    Thanks Chester and Ronbee for your reading and editing.
    ok, i will change umberlla into tree.

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