Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    schnecki is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    6
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Please rate my essay

    Hallo,

    I will do the TOEFL the next few days. So I wanted to ask you what you think about my essay. Please give it a rate...

    Topic:
    You have deceided to give serveral hours of your time each month to improve the community where you live. What is one think you will do to improve your community? Why? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

    Essay:
    I decided to help in the local soccer club. A few days ago I heard that they are seeking for a new trainer for a youth team. It was always a dream of me to become a soccer trainer. I thought I will do it when I am older. But I think the time has come. I want to show you below, why I decided in this way.

    First I like to play football. I started playing when I was eight years old. When I became 14, I started to play with the senior team of exactly this local club. At present I am one of the most important player in the team. I know how to play football and understand the tactics quite well. No wonder that many youth players look up to me. I want to learn them to understand soccer and that they have fun by playing it.

    The second advantage is that I like children. I have a very young brother too. So I know how to act with children and I can estimate what it means to become a youth trainer. I know that it can sometimes be hard and that it need nerves, but I think I am old enough for it. I had many trainers in my career and my goal will be to pick out all advantages of them.

    Thirdly I like outdoor activities, but I also want to work indoor. This job will give me exactly that. I will do the tactics at home and administrate the training on the ground. In my view this is a very important fact for a good job.

    In conclusion I think that I will have fun by doing something good for our community. And this gives me the power to work for the community.



    297 words.
    Thank you very much.

    Manuel

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,765
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please rate my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by schnecki View Post
    Hallo,

    Essay:
    I decided to help in the local soccer club. A few days ago I heard that they are were seeking for a new trainer for a youth team. It was always a dream of me to become a soccer trainer. I thought I will would do it when I am was older. But I think the time has come. I want to show you below, why I have decided in this way.

    First I like to play football. I started playing when I was eight years old. When I became 14, I started to play with the senior team of exactly this local club. At present I am one of the most important players in the team. I know how to play football and understand the tactics quite well. No wonder that many young players look up to me. I want to learn teach them to understand soccer and make sure that they have fun by playing it.

    The second advantage is that I like children. I have a very young brother too. So I know how to act with children and I can estimate imagine what it means to become a youth trainer. I know that it can sometimes be hard and that it needs nerves, but I think I am old enough for it. I've had many trainers in my career and my goal will be to pick out all advantages of them. use the best strategies that I have learned from them.

    Thirdly I like outdoor activities, but I also want to work indoors. This job will give me exactly that. I will do plan the tactics at home and administrate execute the training on the ground. In my view this is a very important fact strategy for a good job.

    In conclusion I think that I will have fun by doing something good for our community. And this gives me the power to work for the community.
    It's all completely understandable, but not much of it is good colloquial English.
    You haven't extended yourself much by the use of more complex clauses or constructions (for example, you've used a few coordinate clauses, but have attempted no subordinating clauses).
    Again, you've made a few errors with the past tenses, and have avoided making more by sticking to the present and future for most of the essay.

    From me, today: 13/20 for a lower intermediate level.

  3. #3
    schnecki is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    6
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please rate my essay

    Thanks a lot for your correction and your tips. I see I made many silly mistakes...I'll try to avoid them.

    Thanks again.

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,570
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please rate my essay

    Be sure to do a spell check. (Remember not to confuse thing and think.)

    Say:
    .
    I decided to help with the local soccer club.
    It has always been a dream of mine to....


Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please, comment or rate my essay...
    By ToT in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-Dec-2008, 07:13
  2. please help me with my essay...rate it pleasee
    By tennislover22 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 23-Nov-2008, 03:36
  3. Please rate my essay!!
    By goldone27 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 09-Oct-2008, 00:48
  4. please review and rate my essay
    By thinley in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-Nov-2007, 02:45
  5. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 14-Dec-2005, 06:09

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •