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  1. #1
    sisco is offline Newbie
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    Smile Please check my essay.

    Hello.

    I'm writing because I had to write an essay about winning in the lottery. I would be thankfull if somebody would be abble to look over it. I just have to pass it if I want back to Russia. Currently I'm studying in Poland and if I didn't pass that essay I would have bad situation. Sorry for mistakes I started to learn english 10 months ago and generally speaking I don't like that language at all.

    Here is my essay :

    Most people dreams about fabulous richness, needles to say is that the quickest and most simple way of achiving it is winnings in different kinds of lotteries. The prize allows us to realize our dreams.

    If lot give me a chance winning big moneys I would be the happiest girl in the world. On the other way I think that thought winning fortune I'll keep cold head and still have good sense.

    I'll step by step put into practice my dreams. Firstly, I would destiny the money to buing a house with huge garden and pool. I know for a certainty that I would not refuse myself to spend few mad days shopping in Mediolan, Parise with my best friend.

    Secondly, I'll take a tour around the world. Part of the money I'll invest into immovables. World of fashion, immovables and celebrities always attracted me. Having huge amount of money I'll open my own exclusive restaurant. I think it gives me an great opportunity to meet many interesting and famous people.

    So as most of things also owning huge moneys is not always good. I'll be run a risk of bad comments of envious people, some of false friends for whom I'd be the last valence thing would also appear.

    I thing that it could also lead to worse thing as theft or abduction and demanding a ransom.

    In my opinion winning on the lottery assure sufficient life but place in jeopardy, nevertheless luxurious life tempt everyone, me too.

  2. #2
    kevinli is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please check my essay.

    Comments
    Your essay was extremely hard to understand. You had many random words that were in it. Your grammar is horrendous. However, your essay had some good ideas if I understood it correctly.

    Questions
    - Mediolan, Parise is...?
    - What are immovables?

    Fixed Essay
    Most people have dream about becoming rich, however, the quickest and most simple way of achieving that is winning lotteries. The prize will allow us to realize our dreams.

    If I have a good chance of winning the lotteries, I would be the happiest girl in the world! Even if I win the lottery, I'll still realize who I am and have good sense.

    After I win the lottery, I would then pursue my dreams. First, I would use the money to buy a house with a huge garden and a pool. I know for certain that I would also spend a few days shopping in [Mediolan, Parise] with my best friend.

    Secondly, I will take a tour around the world. While I do so, I would invest some of my money into the world of fashion, and celebrities. I might even open up my own exclusive restaurant if I have such a huge amount of money. I think winning the lottery would give me a great opportunity to meet many interesting and famous people.

    Of course, having too much of anything would lead to trouble. If I win the lottery, I might be at risk from envious people who might want to steal from me. Some might even pretend to be my friend! It might also lead to worse things, such as theft, abduction, or demanding a ransom.

    In my opinion, winning the lottery assures a sufficient life but also places it in jeopardy. Nevertheless, a luxurious life always tempts everyone, including me.

    Comments about Fixed Essay
    I tried to fix your essay as best as possible, keeping to the theme. I had to change some parts of it such as deleting the part of the "immovables" and completely change the grammar and wording.

    Final Thoughts/Grade
    Your essay: 3/10
    Fixed essay: 7/10

    Good luck and I hope you can go back to Russia!

    ~Kevin

  3. #3
    sisco is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please check my essay.

    Thank you for help. Currently I'm working as translator - translating texts from russian to polish. Next year I will spend somewhere about NewCastle and I'll participate in an Academic year english course which will help me become more fluent in English. I need to work on English because you have extremely easy grammar if we compare it with polish grammar but without free time we can do nothing with our knowledge.

    I passed my essay and now I can go back to Russia. Kevinli you are invited to Sankt Petersburg, you mustn't miss sightseeing the city :)

    About the question :

    - Mediolan, Parise - towns located in Italy and France which are known as cities related with fashion.

    - Immovables are houses in which we invest ; I know another word according to that is "premises"

    Sorry I'm little chatterbox ;)

    Thanks! :)
    Last edited by sisco; 22-Dec-2009 at 15:06.

  4. #4
    sisco is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please check my essay.

    Oh... I just checked that Mediolan is Milan and Parise is Paris.

    Sorry! :)

  5. #5
    ratóncolorao is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please check my essay.

    This is for Kevinli : wouldn't it be: most people have dreamed about.....( referring to the fact of dreaming while sleeping or even being awaken.... obviously that depens....) or could it also be : most people have dreams about ..... ( dreams as the plural of the word dream as a noum)

  6. #6
    ratóncolorao is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please check my essay.

    Sorry for my wrong spelling: depends

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