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  1. #1
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    Default Your comments on my essay are welcome:)

    Coherence and cohesion seem to be always my essays' weak point. For the one below, I am not pretty sure about my reasons and my arguments. So please give me some comments if possible. Thanks in advance.
    Topic: Is it the responsibility of a government to protect its citizens from natural disasters?

    Never before has the human race witnessed the wrath of the nature more clearly than over the few past decades. Consequently, the importance of human safety, when we face natural catastrophes, has come into the spotlight. Some people maintain that it is totally incumbent upon a government to shoulder this highly demanding task. Such an opinion sounds naïve and superficial to me. From my viewpoint, both the government and citizens of a nation should join hands to share the responsibility.
    In the first place, it is unquestionable that a government must consider ensuring the safety of its citizens as a duty and an obligation. When people cast their vote in any political election, irrespective of their option, they certainly share the same hope for the country’s stability and prosperity as well as for their personal development. Living up to these legitimate expectations is the very function of any regime.
    Furthermore, a government wields sufficient power to take on this responsibility. As far as we might know, the so-called natural calamities such as draught, flood, typhoons etc to some extent take their roots in human activities. They are merely, direct or indirect, products of humankind. And state officials, with the legislatory power in hand, can identify and implement appropriate measures to avoid upsetting the ecological balance, thereby helping to keep devastating disasters at bay.
    On the other side of the coin, the duty should also come back to people whose role in protecting themselves cannot be overstated. On the one hand, only with their cooperation can governments’ projects to shield them be in full swing. For example, mudslide in the rainy season would not be averted if they just turn a deaf ear on warnings against deforestation. On the other hand, they can exercise their right by airing their voice when state officials show signs of dereliction of duty or simply deal with the problem with token gestures.
    All things considered it can be safely concluded that efforts from governments and citizens are a better cure for the problem.

  2. #2
    greenisgood is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Your comments on my essay are welcome:)

    Quote Originally Posted by mickey View Post
    Coherence and cohesion seem to be always my essays' weak point. For the one below, I am not pretty sure about my reasons and my arguments. So please give me some comments if possible. Thanks in advance.
    Topic: Is it the responsibility of a government to protect its citizens from natural disasters?

    Never before has the human race witnessed the wrath of the nature more clearly than over the few past decades. Consequently, the importance of human safety, when we face natural catastrophes, has come into the spotlight. Some people maintain that it is totally incumbent upon a government to shoulder this highly demanding task. Such an opinion sounds naïve and superficial to me. From my viewpoint, both the government and citizens of a nation should join hands to share the responsibility.
    In the first place, it is unquestionable that a government must consider ensuring the safety of its citizens as a duty and an obligation. When people cast their vote in any political election, irrespective of their option, they certainly share the same hope for the country’s stability and prosperity as well as for their personal development. Living up to these legitimate expectations is the very function of any regime.
    Furthermore, a government wields sufficient power to take on this responsibility. As far as we might know, the so-called natural calamities such as draught, flood, typhoons etc to some extent take their roots in human activities. They are merely, direct or indirect, products of humankind. And state officials, with the legislatory power in hand, can identify and implement appropriate measures to avoid upsetting the ecological balance, thereby helping to keep devastating disasters at bay.
    On the other side of the coin, the duty should also come back to people whose role in protecting themselves cannot be overstated. On the one hand, only with their cooperation can governments’ projects to shield them be in full swing. For example, mudslide in the rainy season would not be averted if they just turn a deaf ear on warnings against deforestation. On the other hand, they can exercise their right by airing their voice when state officials show signs of dereliction of duty or simply deal with the problem with token gestures.
    All things considered it can be safely concluded that efforts from governments and citizens are a better cure for the problem.


    Topic: Should government be held responsible for protecting its citizens from natural disasters?

    Never before has mother nature been so merciless to the human race as it has in the recent decades. The significant human toll from the wrath of earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and the likes has put the question of citizen safety from natural disasters in the spotlight. Some opine that the government should bear the responsibility of citizen safety through preparedness and recovery from these mass catastrophes. While it is unrealistic to ascribe the entire burden to the government, a more pragmatic approach would involve a shared responsibility between the government and its citizens.

    Unquestionably, every government has an inviolable duty to ensure the safety of its citizens. When people cast their vote and elect their government, they do it with hope that having a centralized national authority ensures country’s stability and public safety. Fulfilling this primal expectation in the event of a natural calamity is an inescapable obligation of any regime. In addition to ensuring emergency readiness, government can at a broader level introduce preventive measures thorough appropriate environment related policies. Backed by scientific evidence that an increase in human activities such as fossil fuel burning and deforestation correlates to an increase in natural calamities, legislative authorities can pass laws to regulate citizen activities that worsen the greenhouse effect. Governing bodies can also implement and enforce appropriate environment protection standards, and thereby hope for fewer devastating disasters.

    As much as government should shoulder the responsibility for tackling natural disasters, people's role in achieving a longterm ecological balance that averts those disasters cannot be overstated. Public support for environmental friendly practices is key to making any government driven natural disaster prevention program successful. For example, public compliance with deforestation restrictions is critical in averting mudslides during rainy seasons. To successfully establish such broad environmental practices, it is crucial for citizens to develop awareness of eco-friendly practices and wholeheartedly assimilate those practices into their lifestyles. Constant citizen feedback helps the government stay active in maintaining up-to-date disaster prevention policies.

    All things considered, it can be reasonably concluded that the burden of facing natural disasters lies jointly with both the government as well as its citizens. Collaborative policy formation and implementation not only helps in minimizing the adverse effects of unexpected disasters, but also in the long run helps disaster prevention as much humanly as possible.

    Note: I am student as well.

    For cohesion, a key word (or phrase) is needed to connect one sentence (or a portion of the sentence) with the scentence after or before it. In the first paragraph, notice how the color coded phrases assist in making the sentences stick together.

    Cohesion can also be achieved through repetition. In 2nd paragraph, note the word Government or its synonym repeated in every sentence. Synonyms of government include centralized national authority, regime, legislative authorities, and governing bodies. Similarly in 3rd paragraph, note the repeated synonyms for people - public, public support, public compliance, and citizen.

    You have already used a good number of tranistional words and phrases, and I have added a few more.

    For more info: Proofreading Your Writing: Revising for Cohesion - The OWL at Purdue


    Last edited by greenisgood; 25-Dec-2009 at 05:32.

  3. #3
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Your comments on my essay are welcome:)

    @greenisgood: wow, your command of English is so enviable

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