Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Smile thanks a lot for check my essay!

    Can someone help me to correct my writing please? I would be pretty grateful! I have got 5.5 score in my ielts writing test in the past two tests, but the pass score is 6.0. My essay has never been checked since I started to learn this language, so I don’t know my problem and what I need to do. Thank you very much for your time!



    Do you think rich countries need to help poor countries?

    In contemporary society, there is a giant gap between affluent and impoverished countries in education, science, medicine and society area. At the same time, this phenomenon has provoked a widely discussed comment regarding whether wealthy countries need to afford physical or capital help towards these counties which need these. Some folks contend that these developing countries need to go for the achievement all by themselves. However, the hostile debates argue that proper help need to be supplied to those impoverished countries. In my opinion, I prefer to support the former views to a highly extent.

    It would be beneficial for all poor and rich countries provided industrial countries could supply basic help to those areas where really need. To start with, if these under development countries could have essential instruments devices and technology, the local economy would be strongly stimulated. A good example is that a couple of second-hand bicycles are delivered to a small town in Africa where people do not have any type of transportation. The lives of those residents in the village have greatly changed, inasmuch as the bicycles saved them plenty of time used to waste on the road to their workplace. Secondly, for the developed countries, it probably cost efficient for them to transport outdated stuff to impoverished countries compared with to dispose that environmentally. Such as old computers, a type of electronic junks which are considered to be a sort of hardly recycled material, might be economically to deliver to those nations which could really need these for basic education or for simple purposes than to dismantle them. Lastly, but most importantly, the communication and interaction between the two pores of the world is supposed to be a helpful method to tackle with the terrorism problems. As we know, most part of terrorists’ bases are hiding in a few under development area. Therefore, these terrorists could not get enough support form those countries, were these poor countries more closer to highly civilized countries.

    On the other hand, I have to point out that the developing countries could not totally lean on the wealthy countries, as that is there own duty to develop themselves. Giving them too much help is like parents spoiling their children, which can only make these countries have less idea to plan their own strategies for future.

    To sum up, industrial countries are suggested to bear the responsibilities to help their poor companion on the plant to a certain extent. Besides, those under development countries also need to exert their potential to improve every aspects of their society. On balance, cooperation and helping impoverished nations could bring our plant to be peaceful, harmony and flourished.
    Last edited by qdtaihao; 06-Feb-2010 at 01:18.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Red face Re: thanks a lot for check my essay!

    Please take a look at my writing! thanks a lot! My next test is on 3th March.


    "Please help me!"
    Last edited by qdtaihao; 06-Feb-2010 at 01:41.

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    18,366
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: thanks a lot for check my essay!

    Quote Originally Posted by qdtaihao View Post
    Can someone help me to correct my writing please? I would be pretty grateful! I have got 5.5 score in my ielts writing test in the past two tests, but the pass score is 6.0. My essay has never been checked since I started to learn this language, so I don’t know my problem and what I need to do. Thank you very much for your time!



    Do you think rich countries need to help poor countries?

    In contemporary society, there is a giant gap between affluent and impoverished countries in the areas of education, science, medicine and society area. At the same time, this phenomenon has provoked a widely discussed comment debate regarding whether wealthy countries need to should [This is actually the fault of the question] afford physical or capital help towards those counties which need that help. Some folks contend that these developing countries need to go for the achievement progress all by themselves. However, the sometimes hostile debates argue that proper help needs to be supplied to those impoverished countries. In my opinion, I prefer to support the former views to a highly extent.
    I strongly support the former view.

    It would be beneficial for all poor and rich ['rich and poor' is more idiomatic] countries provided industrial countries [?] could supply basic help to those areas where really needed. To start with, if these under-developed countries could have essential instruments, devices and technology, the local economy would be strongly stimulated. A good example is that a couple of second-hand bicycles are delivered to a small town in Africa where people do not have any type of transportation. The lives of those residents in the village have greatly changed, inasmuch as the bicycles saved them plenty a lot of time which they used to waste on the road getting to their workplace.

    Secondly, for the developed countries, it is probably cost efficient for them to transport outdated stuff to impoverished countries compared with to disposing of them in an environmentally sound way. Such as [You can't start a sentence like this] old computers, a type of electronic junk
    s which is considered to be a sort of hardly recycled material difficult to recycle, might be economically to deliver to those nations which could really need these for basic education or for simple purposes than to dismantle them.
    [Use paragraph spaces. Edge to edge writing with no white space is hard on an examiner's eyes.]

    Corrected to here.
    Lastly, but most importantly, the communication and interaction between the two pores of the world is supposed to be a helpful method to tackle with the terrorism problems. As we know, most part of terrorists’ bases are hiding in a few under development area. Therefore, these terrorists could not get enough support form those countries, were these poor countries more closer to highly civilized countries.


    On the other hand, I have to point out that the developing countries could not totally lean on the wealthy countries, as that is there own duty to develop themselves. Giving them too much help is like parents spoiling their children, which can only make these countries have less idea to plan their own strategies for future.

    To sum up, industrial countries are suggested to bear the responsibilities to help their poor companion on the plant to a certain extent. Besides, those under development countries also need to exert their potential to improve every aspects of their society. On balance, cooperation and helping impoverished nations could bring our plant to be peaceful, harmony and flourished.
    You structure your argument well. Your spelling and punctuation is good. Your basic grammar is mostly sound - there are several examples of non-agreements of subject and verbs, for example.
    Where you fall down is your use of incorrect idiomatic phrases, and inadequate linking words in longer sentences. This can really only be learned by experience with using the language. Perhaps you could post more essays.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    10
    Post Thanks / Like

    Thumbs up Re: thanks a lot for check my essay!

    Raymott, thank you very much! I will print this essay out and analyse my problems. Besides, I am going to write more essays which is supposed to be better and post them.

    Now I do notice some faults and structure problems in it.

    I am very gald that I can get the help from you. You are so nice and patient to see such an essay which need to be corrected for every sentence.

    I hope I can pass this test and come to Brisbane have a visit!

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please grade my essay
    By Zodiak in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 06-Oct-2009, 15:17
  2. Will anyone please revise my college application essay?
    By inck243 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28-Oct-2006, 07:29
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 14-Dec-2005, 06:09
  4. Help on 'Opininon Essay'
    By student2005 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Nov-2005, 03:25
  5. my essay tutorial
    By Dmitrij in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 16-Sep-2005, 03:51

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk