Hi everybody. I wrote this reference. I need some help whether grammar and style are okay. It is very important for me because I am going to apply at an English university. I need your help. Thanks very much in advance.
Berlin, March 25th, 2005
To the application of Mr.xxx, Bachelor of Science, born at the xxx for studying a postgraduated Master of Science in Great Britain.
Mr. xxx, Bachelor of Science, studied Corporate Environmental Informatics at the University of Applied Sciences in Berlin. He completed his studies with a Bachelor of Science degree. The degree was awarded with “2.2” and “good” respectively. The topic of Mr. xxx dissertation was “The conceptual development of software for the environmental controlling to a medium seized company”.
The Bachelor Thesis illuminated (?can u say that?) the concept and method of classical environmental controlling.The interaction between classical and environmental controlling was investigated by demonstrating the influence of environmental ratios on financial ratios, amongst others. The theoretical approaches are used practically by creating software range(?can u say that?) from the analysis of the actual state and the requirement engineering to software design in a chronological order. The assessment of thesis and oral degree examination where awarded with “very good”. At the same time Mr. xxx took part in one of our Master courses called “Corporate projects”. During this project Mr. xxx led a team of four students to put the information system described in his thesis into practice. The project was realized successfully and in time. The company where Mr. xxx did his internship is still using the information system.
As the course coordinator I have got Mr. xxx as a committed and ambitious student to know , especially in practical work. Due to his good academic results and excellent social skills I confirm that Mr. xxx is qualified to take part at a postgraduate course in Management or International Management at your University. I have no doubts that he will pass his studies with success and I would therefore wish him all the best.
This sentence doesn't work for me:
The degree was awarded with “2.2” and “good” respectively.
I don't see two things to justify the use of 'respectively. I'd take it out. I'd also capitalise 'good' as it's a grade.
I'm not sure about your use of 'environmental controlling'- I'd probablu use management.
software range- software suite
As the course coordinator, I have come to know Mr. xxx as a committed and ambitious student,
I'd use 'Yours faithfully' and I'd put 'Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me' before it.