When I saw the layout of your essay, I thought it was good. But when I started reading, I noticed that many things were missing.
Another big problem beside your grammar is the basic structure.
You should follow a few simple steps.
Parts of an essay
1. The General Statement/opening
2. The Body
3. The Conclusion
I suggest writing the general statement at the end. You'll see why.
First, you should decide how many ideas or points you'll develop.
The body consists of number of paragraphs in which you develop your points.
Use separate paragraph for each idea and elaborate it.
The conclusion brings closure to the reader. Sum up your points and provide a final perspective on your topic.
The General Statement
Inform the reader about your point of view including all points that you have elaborated in the body.
So, the general statement should include all points that need to be separately elaborated in the body, and the conclusion should be connected to the general statement, again including the points.