Help to check my essay.

[hanhnguyen]

Hi All,
I plan to take an IELTS exam next year, but writting task troubles me alot. Pls help to check and evaluate my essay if possible. Thank you all very much.


Topic: What should a government do for a country to become successful?

As the leader of a country the government plays a prerequisite role in its developing and its decision affects to society broadly. So, in my opinion, to drive a country to a success the government should strictly achieve the following goals: anti-corruption, improving economics and social benefits.
First and foremost, a government can not be strong if any corruption. Bribe not only spoils its members but also causes financial damage. Furthermore, it rapidly and likely loses all prestige from citizens, which can lead to politically unstable situation as rebel, terrors, and more organized crimes…. However, all these mentioned problems are only the internal matters, in external point of view this kind of country is easy to intervene or event defeat through its own bad governors. Eventually, the corrupted government will end with failures in all areas.
Secondly, the governors should put more efforts on economics growing as it is the fundamental basis to gain the country’s strength. A rich country could be better at finding a resolution independently for the same issue compared with the poorer one because it has enough financial resource to invest in all schemes such as upgrading education, enhancing the army and so on…
Last but not least, to maximize prestige from citizens, government should improve the social benefits system as subsidy, public health…which is for citizens’ sake. This investment contributes to level up the living standard and brings the actual thriving to citizens.
To sum up, all above goals are related and one can affects the other and reversely. Therefore, government should deploy all 3 projects thoroughly at the same time to ensure the greatest success.

 

[fighting spirit]

Topic: What should a government do for a country to become successful?

The government, as the head of a country, plays a key role in country developing, and its decision affects the society broadly.. In my opinion, in order to lead a country to success, the government should strictly achieve the following goals: anti-corruption, economic improvement and social benefits increase.
First, the government can not be strong if any corruption. Not only does the bribe harm the society, but it also causes financial loss.. Furthermore, it loses all prestige by citizens that leads to political instability such as terrorism and organized criminal. However, all these mentioned problems are only the internal matters, in external point of view this kind of country is easy to intervene or event defeat through its own bad governors. (I really don't get it, try paraphrasing the sentence) Eventually, the corrupted government will end up in failures in all areas.
Secondly, the governors should put more effort into economy growth as the ground for achieving the country’s strength. Unlike poor countries, rich ones have more chances of independently making resolutions on the basis of financial resources that could be invested in education, employment, army and many other areas. Never put ellipsis when writing an essay.
Last but not least, to maximize social prestige, the government should improve the social benefits system in terms of increasing the level of subsidy and public health that is of the huge importance for citizens.. This investment contributes to the level of living standards.
Don't start the conclusion with TO SUM UP. All above mentioned goals are closely related and one can affects the other and vice versa. Therefore, the government should deploy all 3 projects thoroughly at the same time to ensure the greatest success.

I like your essay. You really know how it should be organized. The main ideas from your introduction have been elaborated, and the conclusion is also connected with the general statement. Great job.
As far as your grammar is concerned, it's not bad. However you should try to improve it. Also pay attention to your vocabulary.

 

[Raymott]

To sum up, all above goals are related and each one affects the others[STRIKE] and reversely.[/STRIKE]
You haven't given any order, so neither vice versa, nor any similar phrase is necessary.
Therefore, government should deploy all three projects thoroughly at the same time to ensure the greatest success.

I'd like to add a few more corrections.
This "First and foremost" and "Last but not least" is so cliched (and in many cases, wrong) that you really need to get past it.

 

[fighting spirit]

You haven't given any order, so neither vice versa, nor any similar phrase is necessary.

Obviously

This "First and foremost" and "Last but not least" is so cliched (and in many cases, wrong) that you really need to get past it.

Thank you ;-) It's good to learn from a native speaker.

Don't you think that the following sentence needs to be paraphrased?

However, all these mentioned problems are only the internal matters, in external point of view this kind of country is easy to intervene or event defeat through its own bad governors

 

[Raymott]

Don't you think that the following sentence needs to be paraphrased?
[...]

Yes, no doubt there are a few errors still left, but I didn't go over the whole thing, since you had already corrected it. I only commented on a few items that I thought were especially important.

 

[hanhnguyen]

However, all these mentioned problems are only the internal matters, in external point of view this kind of country is easy to intervene or event defeat through its own bad governors. (I really don't get it, try paraphrasing the sentence)

I means foreign countries can intervene politically to those corrupted countries.

 

[hanhnguyen]

Thank Raymott and Fighting Spirit. That surprises me alot because your correction is so detailed. All are useful. Thanks again.