Help to check my essay.

[hanhnguyen]

Pls help to check my work. Is that Ok if I post my essay in separated threads daily ?. Thanks
Topic: Should retirement be compulsory at 65 years of age?

Nowadays, medicine development does a great work on human health improvement and life time prolongation. In fact, the age people need medicine or heath aid is getting older and older. Therefore, forcing people over 65 years old to retire is not reasonable not only for society but also for older individual
Fist, to society, people over 65 years old at good state are precious labors. They experience a lot in both life and profession. Also they have many relations and majority of them are at management level. Plainly, a company barely finds any younger with all those advantages. Moreover, the older can teach the younger their encounters and give good advices in bad situations. Briefly, losing such old people is a good way to waste valuable resources.
Last, to the old over 65 themselves, working will help them contribute a considerable part to family income; and they are much more independent instead of relying on their children or social subsidy. Obviously, that will help to relieve much pressure on annual national budget for health and pension. More than that, joining a job would help older lives more happily and healthy, a crucial factor to lengthen longevity.
All things considered, the retirement at 65 years old should be optional rather than compulsory because as long as they are still healthy they are all helpful.

 

[Raymott]

Pls help to check my work. Is that Ok if I post my essay in separate[STRIKE]d[/STRIKE] threads daily ?. Thanks
Yes, but getting your essay commented on every day is not guaranteed.


Topic: Should retirement be compulsory at 65 years of age?

Nowadays, medicine development does[STRIKE] a [/STRIKE]great work on human health improvement and life time prolongation.
In fact, the age people need medicine or heath aid is getting older and older.
That's not expressed very well. Babies need immunization as soon as they're born. There are more older people seeking medical help because more help is now available. But this sentence could actually mean quite a few things.
Therefore, forcing people over 65 years old to retire is not reasonable not only for society but also for older individual.
This is a leap of logic. I don't think it really follows from what you've presented.
First, to society, people over 65 years old [STRIKE]at good state[/STRIKE] in good health are precious laborers. They experience a lot in both life and profession. "They have a lot of experience ..."
Also they have many relations and the majority of them are at management level. Huh? A 65 year old labourer might have many relations, and many of them might be housewives and children, and perhaps none would be managers.
Plainly, a company barely finds any younger person with all those advantages. Moreover, the older can teach the younger their encounters and give good advices in bad situations. Briefly, losing such old people is a good way to waste valuable resources.
That's not good phrasing for a formal essay.
Last, to the old over 65 themselves, working will help them contribute a considerable part to family income; and they are much more independent instead of relying on their children or social subsidy. Obviously, that will help to relieve much pressure on annual national budget for health and pension. More than that, joining a job would help older lives more happily and healthy, a crucial factor to lengthen longevity.
All things considered, the retirement at 65 years old should be optional rather than compulsory because as long as [STRIKE]they[/STRIKE] workers are still healthy they are all helpful.

You've made a lot of unsupported claims, and the essay doesn't flow logically. The message behind what you've written is mostly understandable though. I think you need to be more clear about exactly what you mean.