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  1. #1
    nikkiwu is offline Newbie
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    Post Having, as both, in addition to

    Hi Friends and Teachers,

    I am currently writing a cover letter and not sure if I am using the correct grammar. The sentence is as following:

    Having worked as both a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor in addition to also taking on a full set of courses, I maintained a high grade point average.

    My friend said to me that the logic and grammar are both wrong in the above sentence. And he corrected it as:

    I worked both as a volunteer for IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program, an private math tutor, while also taking a full set of courses, and maintained a high grade point average.

    I want to emphasis during that particular semester, I had done a lot of different things, but still maintained a very good GPA. I feel like my friend's sentence doesn't emphasis that and it is a little bit wordy.

    Can you please give me some advice and help me to rephrase the whole sentence?

    Thanks,
    Nikki
    Last edited by nikkiwu; 25-Jan-2010 at 00:10.

  2. #2
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Having, as both, in addition to

    Hi Nikki,
    Try something like this.

    I had a full course load, and although I was both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, I still maintained a high grade point average.

    or

    I maintained a high grade point average with a full course load, despite dedicated time as a volunteer with the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and as a private math tutor.

    or something that combines these ideas.

    Note that it's A private math tutor, not "an." There is no vowel sound.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  3. #3
    nikkiwu is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Having, as both, in addition to

    Barb_D, thank you very much.

    I kept thinking about rephrasing my sentence last night and came out a sentence as following "
    While working as both a volunteer for the IRS Volunteer Income Tax Assistance Program and a private math tutor, in addition to also taking on a full load of courses, I still managed to maintain a high grade point average. "

    Does the above sentence sound right? Is there any grammar or punctuation mistake?

    Thanks,
    Nikki

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