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  1. #1
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default editing of short passage

    Hi fellow members

    Could some member/s go through this short passage and correct any mistakes I have made.

    Thanks in advance.

    Bravo is a mischievous dog. Formerly, I often came home to see the litter-bin in my house toppled with its contents on the floor. On seeing the mess, I would take it to the litter-bin and beat him on his buttocks with my hand. However, this did not work as he would do the same thing again and again.

    One afternoon, on seeing the mess, I decided to punish him by putting him in the toilet and closing the sliding door. I had intended to leave him there for a few minutes, but somehow I forgot about him being left there. It was only about half an hour later that I realised that I had 'locked' him up in the toilet. On discovering that, I wasted no time in opening the sliding door.

    However, the method of punishment worked. He finally got the message and nowadays, I donít see him toppling the litter-bin again.

  2. #2
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: editing of short passage

    Could some member/s edit the short passage for me? Thanks in advance.

  3. #3
    Tan Elaine is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: editing of short passage

    Many thanks, Gillnetter.

    I agree with your suggestion.

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Default Re: editing of short passage

    No real mistakes as far as I can see, but I might suggest some improvements:

    Quote Originally Posted by Tan Elaine View Post
    Bravo is a mischievous dog. I used to come home to see that he had toppled the litter-bin, its contents on the floor. On seeing the mess, I would put it back in the litter-bin and beat his backside with my hand. However, this never worked, as he would just do the same thing again and again.

    One afternoon, on seeing the mess, I decided to punish him by putting him in the toilet and closing the sliding door. I had intended to leave him there for a few minutes, but somehow I forgot about him being left there. It was only about half an hour later that I realised that I had locked him up in the toilet. Discovering this, I wasted no time in opening the sliding door.

    However, the method of punishment worked. He finally got the message and nowadays, I donít see him toppling the litter-bin anymore.
    Formerly, I often came -> I used to come (seemed a bit too formal)
    the litter-bin in my house -> the litter-bin (no need to use both 'home' and 'house'; had to rearrange the sentence a little to make it scan)
    take it to the litter-bin -> put it back in the litter-bin (more idiomatic)
    on the buttocks -> his backside (more idiomatic)
    didn't work as he would -> never worked, as he would just (fits the sense better)
    On discovering that -> Discovering this (seemed a little ungainly)

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