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  1. #1
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    Default Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    hi every body please teacher i want ur help and please assess my essay in range from (1 to 9) score

    The chart shows the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999

    In the beginning it is clear that boys are more practised tennis,cycling,riding bike and football by scored 24%,48% and 67% respectively.whereas girls are attracted by walking,roller blading and swimming at 23%,28% and 53% in same order

    On the other hand football is the the most attractive sort for boys who reached 67% which is the highest point ,obviously there is an immense superiority for boys in football.

    Equally all these kinds of sports are too close up in participation between boys and girls except or exclude football it is approximately 3 times practised more by boys than girls.

    To sum up ,i conclude that there is sight differences between both girls and boys in exercising these sports exclude one sport which is football so i figure out that girls dont have a clear tendency in the last sport while boys trend to play it with complete satisfying in its benefits to their bodies .
    Last edited by samiralbayati; 01-Feb-2010 at 18:47.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    Quote Originally Posted by samiralbayati View Post
    hi every body please teacher i want ur help and please assess my essay in range from (1 to 9) score


    The chart shows the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999

    In the beginning it is clear that boys are more practised tennis,cycling,riding bike and football by scored 24%,48% and 67% respectively.whereas girls are attracted by walking,roller blading and swimming at 23%,28% and 53% in same order

    On the other hand football is the the most attractive sort for boys who reached 67% which is the highest point ,obviously there is an immense
    superiority for boys in football

    Equally all these kinds of sports are too close up in participation between boys and girls except or exclude football it is approximately 3 times practised more by boys than girls.

    To sum up ,i conclude that there is sight differences between both girls and boys in exercising these sports exclude one sport which is football so i figure out that girls dont have a clear tendency in the last sport while boys trend to play it with complete satisfying in its benefits to their bodies .
    As an ielts test, it's unacceptable. I would not read this until it was left aligned and there was at least an attempt at correct punctuation. Even though your teachers apparently don't care about such things, real English-writers and examiners do.
    If you like, I would be happy to teach you how to set out a sentence in English.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    As an ielts test, it's unacceptable. I would not read this until it was left aligned and there was at least an attempt at correct punctuation. Even though your teachers apparently don't care about such things, real English-writers and examiners do.
    If you like, I would be happy to teach you how to set out a sentence in English.
    thank you sir i appreciate your help,god bliss you.
    i am so sorry but i know well how to write on left side but because of google advertisment in the left side was, which can hide some words of my essay so i dragged the text of essay to right side to appear clear without disappearing of any important word by google

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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    Quote Originally Posted by samiralbayati View Post
    thank you sir i appreciate your help,god bliss you.
    i am so sorry but i know well how to write on left side but because of google advertisment in the left side was, which can hide some words of my essay so i dragged the text of essay to right side to appear clear without disappearing of any important word by google
    That may be so. And your reason for placing a space before a punctuation mark instead of after would be ...?
    As I say, I'm willing to help you, but you must first accept that it's not Google's fault. I will correct it for you.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    Quote Originally Posted by samiralbayati View Post
    hi every body please teacher I want your help and please assess my essay in range from (1 to 9) score

    The chart shows the talking part by both young genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999.

    In the beginning it is clear that boys are more practised tennis, cycling, riding bike and football by scored 24%, 48% and 67% respectively, whereas girls are attracted by walking, roller blading and swimming at 23%, 28% and 53% in same order.
    You'll note that pattern is very consistent and not hard to learn. A punctuation mark comes immediately after a letter (to the right in English). Then comes a space. Then comes a new word.
    Simply open any book in English, and you will find this invariant pattern. Spacing is not optional.


    On the other hand football is the the most attractive sort for boys who reached 67% which is the highest point, obviously there is an immense superiority for boys in football.

    Equally all these kinds of sports are too close up in participation between boys and girls except or exclude football it is approximately 3 times practised more by boys than girls.

    To sum up, I conclude that there is sight differences between both girls and boys in exercising these sports exclude one sport which is football so I figure out that girls don't have a clear tendency in the last sport while boys trend to play it with complete satisfying in its benefits to their bodies.
    Here's some suggestions about the grammar etc.

    The chart shows the participation by young people of both genders in six different kinds of sports activities in UK in 1999.

    In the beginning it is clear that boys preferred tennis, bike riding and football, which scored 24%, 48% and 67% respectively; whereas girls are attracted to walking, roller blading and swimming at 23%, 28% and 53% respectively.
    [Your attempt at varying the wording and not using 'respectively' twice actually draws attention to it.
    Also, I would order the sports from the most popular to the least popular. Boys overwhelmingly prefer football, yet you have listed it third. The differential interest between boys and girls in football is the most obvious thing on the chart.]

    On the other hand
    [You have to mention one hand, at least by implication, before using "On the other hand"]
    Football is the most popular sport for boys
    who reached at 67%, which is the highest percentage. Obviously there is an immense superiority for boys in football. [You've just said that]
    Apart from football, all of these sports are almost equally popular between boys and girls. Football is played approximately three times more by boys than girls.

    To sum up, I conclude that there is a slight difference between both girls and boys in playing these sports except for one sport, which is football. So I figure out that girls clearly don't have a tendency to like this game, while boys tend to play it in order to satisfy the needs of a healthy body.
    [Maybe this last sentence is true, but it didn't come from the chart]


    Apart from the mechanical details, you managed to address all the relevant points in the table.

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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    Thank you tutor for your rapid reply and your helpful situation.

    But please can you assess it in scores range(between 1 to 9) as an IELTS assessment.

    becuase i must score 6.5 band overall in IELTS test so please help me as much as you can without any bothering.
    Last edited by samiralbayati; 02-Feb-2010 at 07:33.

  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please check my ielts essay task 1 and what is the possible score you can assess

    You are not going to get a score of 6.5 in IELTS- I would say you would need to deal with a lot of the basics before you will be ready to start training for the exam.

    I would give this and your essay a 2, possibly a 3, based on the descriptors here: www.ielts.org/pdf/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf


    It will benefit you more if you concentrate on tasks more suited to your current level of knowledge instead of trying for an exam you're not ready for.

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