[Essay] IELTS ESSAY HELP: Retirement Age

[paul p]

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IELTS

Some people think that in countries with high unemployment,
the retirement age should be lowered to allow more young
people to get jobs.

What would be the advantages and disadvantages of doing this?

There are people who believe that the age of retirement should
be reduced in countries having a high rate of unemployment,
thus yielding young people to gain work.

In this issue, we have to consider the advantages and disadvantages
of it. The benefits of decreasing the retirement age are: firstly,
job opportunities to young adults will occur. Secondly, this is
the time for them to show their hidden talents due to the high
expectations from them when they land a job. And thirdly,
retiring employees could early get their pensions and benefits
which they can use for many things such as for rest and recreation,
investment, or whatever they wanted.

Looking now at the opposite, young employees need to prove
themselves that they can handle and manage their work closely
or the same way as the leaving employees. Moreover, since they
are considered amateurs, they get a lower pay at the start, and
more often than not they get a higher salary after many years of
stay. Lastly, there could be a huge impact on the services of
one organization where most of the skilled employees are to be
replaced and time is not enough to train replacements.

But whatever is to happen, the best thing to do in such situation
of booming unemployment is to create more jobs by attracting
investors to come on their place, overhaul their education or
job training systems if there is a problem on competencies
hindering young people to be employed. And also, a country
must work on their population if there is a sudden increase
because the more the population is then more job opportunities
must be present.

 

[Raymott]

Hello! Please comment, suggest revisions, or even score. Thanks much!

IELTS

Some people think that in countries with high unemployment,
the retirement age should be lowered to allow more young
people to get jobs.

What would be the advantages and disadvantages of doing this?

[STRIKE]There are people who believe that the age of retirement should
be reduced in countries having a high rate of unemployment,
thus yielding young people to gain work.
[/STRIKE] [We've just been told that in the question, though your statement that lowering the retirement age would actually yield more young people is an interesting twist]

[STRIKE]In this issue, we have to consider the advantages and disadvantages of it. [/STRIKE]
[Yes, that's what the question asks]
You need to think of a new introduction that doesn't just repeat the question.

The benefits of decreasing the retirement age are: firstly,
job opportunities for young adults will [STRIKE]occur[/STRIKE] increase.
[Again, this is assumed by the question]
Secondly, this is the time for them to show their hidden talents due to the high expectations from them when they land a job. [?]
And thirdly, retiring employees could get their pensions early and benefits which they can use for many things such as for rest and recreation, investment, or whatever they wanted.

Looking now at the [STRIKE]opposite[/STRIKE] disadvantages, young employees need to prove themselves that they can handle and manage their work closely or the same way as the leaving employees. [How is that a disadvantage? If you mean that experienced people will need to quit to allow novices to do the same job, say that.]
Moreover, since they are considered [STRIKE]amateurs[/STRIKE] junior staff, they get a lower pay at the start, and more often than not they get a higher salary after many years of stay. [This is not relevant to the argument. If they aren't working, they don't get paid at all.]
Lastly, there could be a huge impact on the services of
one organization where most of the skilled employees are to be
replaced and time is not enough to train replacements.

But whatever is to happen, the best thing to do in such situations
of booming unemployment is to create more jobs by attracting
investors to come on their place [?], overhaul their education or
job training systems if there is a problem on competencies
hindering young people to be employed. [There isn't. You have to assume a high level of unemployment where job vacancies don't exist.]

And also, a country must work on their population if there is a sudden increase [culling?] because the more the population is then more job opportunities must be present.

I suppose the topic is difficult for someone with no learning in economics, but your arguments are not good.
You just scratched the surface of the issue of de-skilling of the workforce - which would be the major disadvantage of retiring older people early.
You haven't mentioned the major potential benefit - giving hope to young people about their futures, and keeping them off the streets.