This is of a higher quality than we normally get here. Much of it could have been written by a native.Would you please give me some suggestions? Thank you very much!:)
Topic: Money can bring happiness, do you agree or disagree? ( within 300 words, at least 250 words; IELTS for GENERAL TRAINING)
As the most significant
symptomsign of wealth, possessing a large sum of money has become a unique pursuit of many people, especially the younger generation, around the world.
In what sense is it unique if everyone around the world is doing it?
They are convinced
ofthat happiness can be bought by sufficient money. However, they could neglect the fact that happiness is not just determined by one factor but many others such as your friends, relatives, and pleasant experiences. InFrom my perspective, happiness does not always increase in direct ratio [proportion] to the rise [amount] of money.
Focusing on the illusion that money brings happiness may have an unexpected adverse effect that may lead to a misallocation of time. For instance, when someone reflects on how money would change their sense of well-being, they would probably be tempted to think about spending more time in leisurely pursuits such as seeing a three-dimensional movie or traveling abroad. But in reality, they would have to spend a large amount of time working and commuting and less time engaged in experienced happiness.
On the other hand, it is undeniable that money has a brief effect on life satisfaction, particularly after we have got enough money to satisfy our fundamental needs. For example, people who get richer
wouldfeel they are better than their peers. Nevertheless, they willsoon make richer friends. Therefore, their relative wealth will not beis not greater than it was before; people quickly get used to all new stuff their money can buy and the amount of money people say they need rises along with their income. Consequently, the endless and vicious cycle in terms of physically and psychologically stress begins again.
Your example here should be completely in the present tense. You are describing an unchanging law of human nature. You don't need to say that things would happen or will happen. Just say they do happen.
You can use the future tense (or other tenses, or conditional) as long as it is all consistent. For example, you can say to your friend: You are going to make more money, but then your friends will also have more money ... etc.
In conclusion, I believe that money does not always buy happiness, but it is not indicated that money cannot bring
I'm not sure what the second clause means here. But it seems you are equivocating on what you really believe.
It is of great importance to deal with money more carefully and appropriately. Instead of lavishing money in an ostentatious way, we should be aware
ofthat it is romance, friendships, good health, and family that truly bring us happiness.
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