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  1. #1
    hongbui88 is offline Newbie
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    Talking Please check my essay, thank you very much

    My topic :Should universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agrre or disagree?

    Some people say that universities should not agree same ratio between boy and girl students in every subject. Personally, I am an advocate of the opposite one followed by two reasons
    In the first place, thanks to this way, it will be one of basically foundation for personal development. Personal opportunities to approach knowledge will be partial between man and female. That discrepancy of discrimination is sorter and sorter leads people to develop themselves according to their ability and passion. Some ones argue each gender has strong point and each areas requires distinctive trait. Nevertheless, I think that universities agree or not is merely first window for education since these problems lie on each students. These students must overcome difficulties, therefore, by new approach, universities can reform training because they will have grateful graduates beyond man or female.
    Additionally, it brings advantages not only for universities and student but also for societies. One of global pressing problems is sex discrimination, thus, that it reforms attitude in education leads to progress in whole social attitude gradually about sexism. This is fundamental factors to built sustainable development. Moreover, with grateful graduates, it means that societies will have significant labour force. People play always the most important role for development, thus everyone regardless sexes who have abilities can dedicate their force to societies. In deed, it is huge mistake if people do not mention noticeable advantages which by only small change in universities will lead to higher and higher social improvement.
    For these reasons, personally, each person has different though however I think if universities accept this idea societies, students and universities will achieve more benefit than drawback.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    How is forcing people to do courses they don't want to, just to fill a quota system, going to make them grateful?
    What if you wanted to do Feminist studies or Mechanical Engineering, and you were forced to do the other because it didn't have 50% of your sex in that class yet?
    What's wrong with letting students choose, and if there's 80/20 in one class and 20/80 in the other, no one suffers?

  3. #3
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Quote Originally Posted by hongbui88 View Post
    My topic :Should universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agrre or disagree?

    Some people say that universities should not agree enforce the same ratio of boy and girl students in every subject. Personally, I am an advocate of the opposite one opinion followed by for two reasons.
    Sorry, I think this is uncorrectable. Basically you need more experience in the fundamentals.


    In the first place, thanks to this way, it will be one of basically foundation for personal development. Personal opportunities to approach knowledge will be partial between man and female. That discrepancy of discrimination is sorter and sorter leads people to develop themselves according to their ability and passion. Some ones argue each gender has strong point and each areas requires distinctive trait. Nevertheless, I think that universities agree or not is merely first window for education since these problems lie on each students. These students must overcome difficulties, therefore, by new approach, universities can reform training because they will have grateful graduates beyond man or female.
    Additionally, it brings advantages not only for universities and student but also for societies. One of global pressing problems is sex discrimination, thus, that it reforms attitude in education leads to progress in whole social attitude gradually about sexism. This is fundamental factors to built sustainable development. Moreover, with grateful graduates, it means that societies will have significant labour force. People play always the most important role for development, thus everyone regardless sexes who have abilities can dedicate their force to societies. In deed, it is huge mistake if people do not mention noticeable advantages which by only small change in universities will lead to higher and higher social improvement.
    For these reasons, personally, each person has different though however I think if universities accept this idea societies, students and universities will achieve more benefit than drawback.
    Your punctuation is good. It's set out well.
    The grammar is not very good at all. You need more practice before being able to write an essay of this complexity.

  4. #4
    hongbui88 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Quote Originally Posted by Raymott View Post
    Your punctuation is good. It's set out well.
    The grammar is not very good at all. You need more practice before being able to write an essay of this complexity.
    Thanks Raymott, hixxx, I encounter plentiful problems with this essay, can you help me, hixx, please tell some more details about ideas and so on. I can not find some supporting idea?
    Please help me.
    Thank You very much.

  5. #5
    mmasny is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Let me tell you what I think about the essay.

    In my opinion, your problems are greatest in the following areas:

    1) As Raymott said, grammar. I'm sure he will give you his guidance in this matter as you have asked him.

    2) Lexis. You seem to use a dictionary very much. You must know that it's a treacherous tool. It will often misguide you if you don't know how to use it (Raymott, is it wrong to say 'how to' here?). You should get yourself a monolingual dictionary; it will give you examples of the words' usage. And above all, read a lot in English!

    3) Logic. I sometimes find it hard to tell how one sentence is conntected to another in your essay. You should be very careful to make your thoughts crystal clear (not morally, in this case!). For example, you make a reference to some drawbacks in the concluding paragraph of the text. I can't find any mentioned in the body part.

    I am not a teacher.
    Last edited by mmasny; 15-Mar-2010 at 18:38.

  6. #6
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Quote Originally Posted by mmasny View Post
    In my opinion, your problems are greatest in the following areas:

    1) As Raymott said, grammar. I'm sure he will give you his guidance in this matter as you have asked him.
    Perhaps - if there's any specific basic piece of grammar advice he wants, after having studied it from a grammar book.
    I've given my opinion on this piece - it's uncorrectable. One could possibly write a passage in English that tried to paraphrase the ideas in the original, but even that's difficult when the ideas aren't identifiable.
    But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you could try to correct it?
    2) Lexis. You seem to use a dictionary very much. You must know that it's a treacherous tool. It will often misguide you if you don't know how to use it (Raymott, is it wrong to say 'how to' here?).
    No, that's how you use 'how to'.
    What I said was wrong was the popular non-sentence:
    "How to use <word>?" or "How to speak English better?"
    just as:
    "Tell me what to write for my essay" is a sentence, whereas:
    "What to write for my essay?" is not a sentence, and
    "Where to go for my holidays?" and "When to eat dinner?" are not sentences.
    R.
    Last edited by Raymott; 16-Mar-2010 at 09:30.

  7. #7
    mmasny is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Thank you. I can't correct it either. The problem is that I don't understand much of it. Correcting something that I don't understand doesn't seem a good idea to me.

  8. #8
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    Re: Please check my essay, thank you very much

    Quote Originally Posted by mmasny View Post
    Thank you. I can't correct it either. The problem is that I don't understand much of it. Correcting something that I don't understand doesn't seem a good idea to me.
    Exactly! Thats how I feel.

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