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    • Join Date: Feb 2010
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    #1

    A statement of purpose - could anyone check?

    Hello, I am having a writing course and we had an assignment to write a statement of purpose. Could anyone correct the grammatical mistakes and maybe help to reconstruct those long and clumsy sentences?

    While being younger, many people asked very often that who I would want to be in the future. That question made me always think that maybe there is not a suitable occupation for me. As time passed and I had tried several jobs, I once got a chance to work in a nightclub as a bartender. Suddenly I realized that I had found the profession that really attracts me. However, after some time I understood that bartending is not only about pouring the rum and coke but is a great art of serving cocktails and that is the reason that I am applying to the cocktail lounge Stereo Lounge.
    In addition to be a better barmaid I have had numerous of trainings. For instance, different practical courses organized for bar staff, cocktail trainings (Beefeater 24, Heering & Xante liquors). Also, I have worked with recognized bartenders (Estonian and world champions) like Helger Aava, Krista Meri, Anti Kustassoo, Sven Petrov and some more. What is more, recently I have started participating at different cocktail competitions like Piccolo Grand Prix (7th place), HotShot 2010 (special prize) and Calvados Trophy 2010 (1st place).
    Furthermore, as having had many chances to travel, I have visited very many nightclubs and cocktail lounges around the Europe. These experiences have given me the overview of different cocktail-making cultures and costumers’ preferences in other countries.
    Therefore, I believe that if given the chance I will have a wonderful opportunity to develop and promote my proficiency and also learn to make new cocktails. Secondly, in my point of view, getting good ideas and skills in the sense of being successful at upcoming competitions both in Estonia and abroad is guaranteed.


    It is not finished yet - conclusion is missing from here.


    • Join Date: Dec 2009
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    #2

    Re: A statement of purpose - could anyone check?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gerdake View Post
    Hello, I am having a writing course and we had an assignment to write a statement of purpose. Could anyone correct the grammatical mistakes and maybe help to reconstruct those long and clumsy sentences?

    While being younger When I was younger, many people asked me very often that who I would want to be in the future. That question made me always think that maybe there is not a suitable occupation for me. As time passed and I had tried several jobs,; I once got a chance to work in a nightclub as a bartender. Suddenly I realized that I had found the profession that really attracts me. However, after some time I understood that bartending is not only about pouring the rum and coke but is a great art of serving cocktails and that is the reason that I am applying to the cocktail lounge Stereo Lounge.
    In addition to becoming a better barmaid I have had numerous of trainings. For instance, I have taken different practical courses organized for bar staff, cocktail trainings (Beefeater 24, Heering & Xante liquors). Also, I have worked with recognized bartenders (Estonian and world champions) like Helger Aava, Krista Meri, Anti Kustassoo, Sven Petrov and some more. What is more, recently I have started participating at different cocktail competitions like Piccolo Grand Prix (7th place), HotShot 2010 (special prize) and Calvados Trophy 2010 (1st place).
    Furthermore, as having had many chances to travel, I have visited very many nightclubs and cocktail lounges around the Europe. These experiences have given me the overview of different cocktail-making cultures and customers’ preferences in other countries.
    Therefore, I believe that if given the chance I will have a wonderful opportunity to develop and promote my proficiency and also learn to make new cocktails. Secondly, in from my point of view, I will be certain to get getting good ideas and skills in the sense of being successful at upcoming competitions both in Estonia and abroad is guaranteed.


    It is not finished yet - conclusion is missing from here.
    You do have some great experience! Good luck in your career. In any case, I hope this is helpful. Perhaps others will suggest more substantive changes, but I have made at least a few suggestions.

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