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  1. #1
    jdaly6977 is offline Newbie
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    Default Can someone please help me with revising my essay? i.e. punctuation,fragment,run-ons,

    I'm certainly not a good writer! and it takes me forever!! Thank you! :) Also I'm only required to have total of 5 paragraphs. I have 13...lol can I eliminate or combine any of them? Thanks a bunch!

    “Madelyn Marie”
    (Rough Draft)

    (intro) The day my daughter was born was such an important day for me; it was the day I instantly grew up and became a dad. During the nine months I would hear how special the day is and how amazing it is up close. It was Saturday April 18th 2009 when Madelyn was born; it is then when I witnessed for the first time a child’s birth.
    (body 1) It was an unseasonably cold evening on April 17th. Julie and I decided against going out with friends that evening; so we decided to order a pizza. We both joked around that the spicy pizza would induce labor. Julie was not due until May 8th, and because it’s our first child; we never anticipated what would happen that night.
    (body 2) It was approximately 2am when I opened my eyes to hear Julie calling my name in the bathroom. I suddenly sprung out of bed and ran across the hall to the bathroom door. “Are you o.k. honey?” I fearfully asked. Julie than told me that she thought her water broke. I immediately developed a knot in my stomach and responded, “No honey, It’s not what you think.” I felt for sure that it was a false alarm. I asked her to call her doctor to see what she says. Julie paged her doctor and immediately the phone rang. The knot in my stomach intensified and my heart rate started to elevate. Julie’s doctor instructed us to go to the hospital to check in. We live approximately a good hour away, so we grabbed Julie’s bag and I helped her into the car.
    (body 3) During the ride to the hospital I was still in disbelief. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts, so Julie could get a sandwich to eat. Typically, I usually order a coffee for caffeine, but this time it was decaf. Julie seemed pretty relaxed with minor pain in her back while having minor contractions. I was under the impression that it was a false alarm and we were going to be sent home. Boy I was wrong.
    (body 4) We arrived to the hospital, and immediately checked in. It was about 5am and the atmosphere was very relaxed with smooth elevator music playing overhead. We had the room to ourselves and it was very comfortable. The on-call doctor entered the room, did an evaluation, and announced, “She is 3cm dilated, and she will be having the baby today!” I immediately felt proud and accomplished of what was going to happen. Today was going to be a great day!
    (body 5) Hours passed, and Julie’s contractions stalled. At 9am the doctor informed us that the Epidural can be given at any time, since she was now 4cm. I encouraged her to get it now, because who knows how long it will take for the Anesthesiologist to be on the floor again. Julie declined the epidural and thought there would be plenty of time. The doctor gave Julie Pitocin which would relax her, speed up the contractions, and dilate.
    (body 6) Well, the Pitocin worked and about 45 minutes later; Julie was very uncomfortable. “I told you…should have gotten the Epidural!” I learned at that moment to never joke around with a woman in labor! Julie’s eyebrows raised above her evil eyes as she stared me down. I jumped up from my seat, ran out into the hall, and told the nurse we were ready for the Epidural. The nurse gave me a look and smiled as she called the doctor. The anesthesiologist arrived fifteen minutes later, and administered the Epidural.
    (body 7) It was 12:30pm and I wondered why they haven’t checked to see how dilated she was. I suddenly became very hungry and asked the nurse if I had time to go to the cafeteria. She said, “Dad, you have more than enough time.” I gave Julie a kiss, left her with her mom, and headed for the elevator.
    (body 8) It took me fifteen minutes to finally find the elevators as I walked through the maze of the Labor and delivery ward. I took the elevator down to the ground floor and felt a vibration in my front pocket. I reached into my pocket to see that Julie has just sent me a text message to get back up there. Honestly, I thought she was joking with me, especially since the nurse confirmed that I had time. I called Julie on the cell phone and her mom answered excitedly, “It’s time! It’s time!” I immediately got goose bumps and took the flight of stairs all the way up to the 6th floor. I ran so fast I must have broken a record in that stairwell. I grabbed my mom and we headed to the room.
    (body 9) Upon entering the room I noticed there were a lot more people in there than before. There were pediatric nurses, a pediatric doctor, a medical student, and Julie’s doctor. I finally found a spot to stand and hold my wife’s hand. The back of my jaw started fluttering and tears of happiness slowly developed.
    (body 10) After an hour in a half of pushing, Julie was exhausted. The baby hadn’t dropped down very much and Julie didn’t think she could go on. The doctor was very encouraging and gave her the strength she needed to keep going.

    (body11) After another half hour, Madelyn’s heart rate began to dramatically drop and mine began to increase. Julie was given oxygen to help them both. We weren’t sure if the baby would tolerate much more, but after each contraction, the heart rate would come back up. Julie pushed for another 15 minutes and “Poof” little Madelyn was born at 3pm on the dot! Madelyn only weighed 6pounds 1 ounce but she was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.The nurses cleaned her up, wrapped her in a blanket, and we had one on one time with her. I’ll never forget, looking into her eyes and telling her that I’m going to be the best dad ever! It was an experience that I will never forget.

    (conclusion) Madelyn Marie is now 11 months old and it’s amazing how much she has grown over the year. Recently, she learned to crawl, so mommy and daddy are very busy trying to catch her. The experience of child birth was the best day of my life. I instantly grew up and became a dad. Madelyn has touched my heart and many others in a way that I can never fully explain. Her smile, blue eyes, and her laugh light up everyone’s day. I hope someday I’ll be able to read her this story, so she can realize how much she means to her mother and I.

  2. #2
    jdaly6977 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Can someone please help me with revising my essay? i.e. punctuation,fragment,run-

    Also this is supposed to be a narrative/descriptive...Did I use enough description??? Thank you! :)

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can someone please help me with revising my essay? i.e. punctuation,fragment,run-

    I guess this was good experience for you. I didn't finish reading all of it. It sound good. I'll finish it later. This is more like a chapter book than an essay. I'm still on the waiting list. My wife is 5 weeks old.

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