I had to rewrite part of Son of the Mob by Gordon Korman from a different character's perspective. This is from page 212 - 214.
Are there any grammer or spelling mistakes?
Click, click, click.
There I sat, behind the bar, clipping my toenails into the cup which was once used for tips. Now, it's virtually useless, good only for use as a spittoon; it's not like these scums ever tip more than a penny. I glanced hopelessly at my dirty and heavily graffitied club. I can't wait to get rid of this pub and, as Vince said, start fresh. The door opens and standing there, looking nauseated, is the devil.
"Jeez, Vince, get the hell out of here!" I shrieked with an unusually high voice while jumping to my feet.
"I need two minutes, Jimmy. That's all."
What was he thinking, coming here. I'd be killed if his father finds out. He takes a step towards me and I freak out. Being unable to escape, since Vince was blocking the only exit, I bolted for the washroom. Forgetting the fact that I only have one shoe on, I stepped on broken glass with my bare foot. Holding in the pain, I hop one-footed to the washroom door.
"Hear me out!" he cries. Ignoring him, for my life was at stake, I run into the washroom and slam the door on Vince. I then barricade the door with my body. Vince attempts to push open the door, put fails.
"One minute!" he roared angrily.
"You got something to say that's worth my life? 'Cause that's what it's gonna cost!” I snapped back. Vince tackles the door open just as I backed off and slipped into the stall.
“Fine!” he shouts angrily. “We’ll do it this way. You don’t have to see me.”
“I’m not listening!” I reply, as I began to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” hoping to drown out Vince’s voice. Next, I hear someone climbing onto of a sink.
"THE PLATINUM COAST IS NEVER GOING TO TURN A PROFIT BECAUSE IT'S NOT A REAL CLUB! THE WHOLE THING'S A CON, JIMMY!" he shouts at the top of his lungs. "YOU AND ED HAVE TO STOP PAYING BOAZ! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STRAIGHTEN IT OUT WITH MY DAD, BUT I'LL TRY!"
Shocked, I continue singing, even though my voice is wavering slightly. How is this possible? Platinum Coast, a scam? The distant thunder and pattering of rain were drowned out by my thoughts.
"JUST NOD YOUR HEAD IF YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID! I'VE GOT TO GET HOME! THERE'S A BIG THUNDERSTORM ON THE WAY!"
A thunderstorm? I look at Vince in the face, "With lightning?"
"No, with ketchup!" replied Vince, with an obvious tone of annoyance, "Of course with lightning! It's a bad storm! the whole town's talking about it! If you climb out of the sewer once in a while, you'd know that!"
Now I can finally start fresh! I can safely burn my club to get the insurance money without raising any suspicion.
"Gotcha Vince! Thanks a million!" I said happily. "I'll pass the word to Ed!"
He then stares at me like I'm an idiot. I just naturally assume he thinks my shirt's weird, and not what I just said.
How the hell was I supposed to know?
Last edited by NarutoDude; 22-Mar-2010 at 16:54.