Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. #1
    new2grammar's Avatar
    new2grammar is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    879
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Help me make it bit shorter

    I have given three attempts but still it seen bit big please help me to cut down and make it shorter but without losing the essence and all vital informastion


    The reins of the company are in the hands of Mr. Lokesh Bali, a veteran of Celebrity management, who has been in the field of Bollywood since 1993. He had produced Zaalim starring Akshay Kumar, Superhit Masoom, associated with the production of X-Zone (Episode – I). Hence, he has_goodwill in the Bollywood, the most vibrant (artistic) brush to paint success with precision. He had successfully executed events both in India and abroad, like "Nayaa Andaaz"a big event in Surat, a Punjabi comedy show telecasted on Doordarshan channel, many successful documentaries; one of them was "HATYA," movie based on environment and communal harmony.Currently,he is looking after AKshay Kumar’s business & managing his venture - Paint Arts.

  2. #2
    new2grammar's Avatar
    new2grammar is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    879
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Help me make it bit shorter

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    This isn't any shorter but it is clearer.

    Mr. Lokesh Bali manages the company. Mr. Bali, a veteran of celebrity management, has been associated with Bollywood since 1993. He has produced, “Zaalim”, which starred Akshay Kumar. He also produced the super hit, “Masoom”, and worked on the production of,”X-Zone” (Episode 1). He has goodwill in Bollywood and is seen as one of the most vibrant and precise artists working in that field. He had successfully executed events both in India and abroad, such as, "Nayaa Andaaz", a Punjabi comedy show telecasted on the Doordarshan channel. He also has worked on many successful documentaries including, “HATYA”, a movie based on environmental and communal harmony. Currently, he is managing Akshay Kumar’s business and managing his venture, Paint Arts.
    can I write the first sentence as
    Mr. Lokesh Bali manages the company, a veteran of celebrity management, has been associated with Bollywood since 1993.

    I think it is not necessary to repeat the name again.

    the second sentence as
    He has produced, “Zaalim”, which starred Akshay Kumar, the super hit, “Masoom”, ....

    deleting he also produced would help me to reduce it further

    the last thing i would like to ask..is it wrong to write in past tense as...he had produced movies....I used past tense because we are talking about the movies gone by...Kindly help
    Last edited by new2grammar; 24-Mar-2010 at 03:44.

  3. #3
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Oriya
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    2,129
    Post Thanks / Like

    Exclamation Re: Help me make it bit shorter

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    I have given three attempts but still it seen bit big please help me to cut down and make it shorter but without losing the essence and all vital informastion


    The reins of the company are in the hands of Mr. Lokesh Bali, a veteran of Celebrity management, who has been in the field of Bollywood since 1993. He had produced Zaalim starring Akshay Kumar, Superhit Masoom, associated with the production of X-Zone (Episode – I). Hence, he has_goodwill in the Bollywood, the most vibrant (artistic) brush to paint success with precision. He had successfully executed events both in India and abroad, like "Nayaa Andaaz"a big event in Surat, a Punjabi comedy show telecasted on Doordarshan channel, many successful documentaries; one of them was "HATYA," movie based on environment and communal harmony.Currently,he is looking after AKshay Kumar’s business & managing his venture - Paint Arts.
    You can try this version:
    The company is managed and controlled by Mr. Lokesh Bali, a veteran of Celebrity management, who has been in Bollywood since 1993. Having produced Zaalim starring Akshay Kumar and Superhit Masoom, he got associated with the production of X-Zone (Episode – I). With his goodwill in Bollywood that acts as the most vibrant (artistic) brush to paint success with precision, he had successfully executed events both in India and abroad. "Nayaa Andaaz"a big event in Surat, is a Punjabi comedy show telecasted on Doordarshan channel followed by many successful documentaries; "HATYA," is one such movie based on environment and communal harmony. Currently,he looks after AKshay Kumar’s business & manages his venture - Paint Arts.

Similar Threads

  1. what makes a good book?
    By lizbet in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 01-Mar-2009, 18:59
  2. make the most of your hard-earned money
    By Hazar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28-Dec-2008, 17:57
  3. make it clear; make clear
    By joham in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-Dec-2007, 03:38
  4. make a friend
    By jiang in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 12-Oct-2006, 08:11
  5. make one's bow
    By forch in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-Mar-2006, 11:55

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk