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  1. #1
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    Default Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    Two months ago, I was invited by my uncle Sergio to go to a car race. My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation. I was very nervous, I had never driven a cart before, so my friend Francesca, who didnīt want to drive went in the car with me. The race started, I was in the third place next to the second. When I looked to Francesca to say something, a man appeared in the middle of the road, but I saw him too late, I was trying to break while he was looking to the sky and we crashed. As fast as I could, I stopped and asked him if he was OK, but he didnīt say anything. While Francesca was crying, I was thinking I had killed a man when my friend Jason arrived. I told him what happened. When he was looking at the man, he jumped and Jason jumped too, everybody cried, but after that, the man said he was fine, he was just kidding, and he went away.

  2. #2
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    Brasilia, where I was...
    driven a cart - car or cart? You use both
    Francesca, who didnīt want to drive,
    The race started and I was in the third place.
    looked at Francesca
    but I saw him too late; I was trying to break while he was looking up at the sky and we collided.
    killed a man, when my friend
    jumped too. Everybody cried

    Your writing's fine- very few mistakes, but you tend tyo write comma splices ( http://www.usingenglish.com/articles/comma-splice.html ), so check your punctuation.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    You may want to use "Brazil".

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    Thank you very much for your help Mr. tdol. Do you think my topic sentence is OK? Is the topic of my paragraph narrowed down enough? Is the controlling idea of my paragraph clear and focused? Is my paragraph unified (do all my sentences support my controlling idea?) and coherent (are my ideas logically arranged?)? Did I use appropriate details and events? Are there any supporting details tha you consider necessary? Is my conclusion interesting?

    About the teacher that suggested changing Brasilia for Brazil I think that is a great idea because not everyone knows that Brasilia is the capital of Brazil. So thank you very much for your suggestion!

  5. #5
    Tdol is online now Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    I would keep Brasilia personnally.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Can you give me some feedback? Please.

    Thinking about it again, Brasilia would be more specific, would it not? It is difficult not to remember the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Melbourne, in Imola, in Montreal, in Indianapolis and in Silverstone. So you have a great point there, Mr. tdol. Thanks again! By the way, What did yoy guys think of my questions? Would you consider aswering some of them?






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