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  1. #1
    Legion is offline Newbie
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    Unhappy Is my thesis statement any good?

    The escalation of the Cuban missile crisis was a result of the decisions that were made by the United States of America during John F Kennedy’s early presidency.

    Due date coming up and I have no one to look over my thesis statement.

  2. #2
    Legion is offline Newbie
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    Default Help with thesis. Please!

    I PUT A NEW THESIS IN THIS THREAD. TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER. The escalation of the Cuban Missile Crisis was primarily due to decisions made early in JFK's presidency: these decisions were dangerous.
    Last edited by Legion; 29-Mar-2010 at 20:05.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Help with thesis. Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    The escalation of the Cuban Missile Crisis was primarily due to decisions made early in JFK's presidency: these decisions were dangerous.
    ***neither a teacher nor a native-speaker***

    Dear Legion,
    Since you are a native-speaker of English, it would be unwise to correct your sentence but I as a non-native-speaker, have found one or two parts of it, a little vague. And these parts are as in the followings;

    Do you mean that;

    The decisions were made earlier than the time they should have been made.
    or,
    The decisions were made in the early stage of JFK's presidency.


    And, as for the other part that I've failed to understand;

    Were the decisions dangerous?
    or,
    Did their consequences put (the peace or the nation, or etc.) in danger?
    Last edited by euncu; 29-Mar-2010 at 11:57.

  4. #4
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is my thesis statement any good?

    Gray, you put an ungrammatical construction in (was happened) and changed words in a way that changed the meaning.

    Legion: I'd suggest instead of this: "the decisions that were made" it be this: "decisions made"

    (You really think the entire thing was Kennedy's fault? I wasn't alive then either, but I think there was one more than one person at that dance.)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  5. #5
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is my thesis statement any good?

    There were two threads on this. I have merged them.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  6. #6
    Legion is offline Newbie
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    Post Re: Is my thesis statement any good?

    The escalation of the Cuban missile crisis was a result of the aggressive military decisions that were made by the United States of America during John F. Kennedy’s early presidency: the USA’s government’s decisions almost risked a nuclear holocaust.

    IS THIS ONE BETTER? Any new suggestions?

  7. #7
    Legion is offline Newbie
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    Lightbulb Please help me with my new thesis. Thank you.

    The escalation of the Cuban missile crisis was a result of the aggressive military decisions that were made by the United States of America during John F. Kennedy’s early presidency: the USA’s government’s decisions almost risked a nuclear holocaust.

  8. #8
    Legion is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Is my thesis statement any good?

    Wouldnt be to argumentative if I said it was equally both their fault. I have substancial proof that America is more to blame and a lot of information I dug up shows that the Soviets actions during this time were justified. I still love JFK as a president even if I wrote an essay bashing him. It's just business right? I am really interested in the topic and I figured why not take the more contrevercial side of the argument to make it a challenge. Thanks for the advise, just so many essays coming up I thought I would get some opinions on my work.

  9. #9
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is my thesis statement any good?

    I have no advice on the strength of your arguments. However, I would agree that "almost risked" is poor phrasing.

    Almost led to X
    Risked X

    But not almost risked X.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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