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    #1

    Smile please check my essay and give me some suggestions

    please check my essay i am going to to take toefl ibt soon and i want to know my chances please someone help me.
    My topic. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? watching TV is bad for children

    Television becomes one of the most influential innovations of the 20th century. It totally changes our style of life. Television has good and bad influence on people. Some people think that we must allow kids to watch tv whenever they want other think contrary to them. I strongly believe that tv have harmful effect on kids. Below i would like to illustrate several reasons and examples to support my point of view.
    First and foremost i would like to mention that tv become brutal today. Children at the early age absorb everything like sponge however they cannot distinguish bad and good and that is why when they watch television they do not sort information that they get from television, it affects physiology of kids in negative way, kids becoming much more aggressive after the watching TV . For instance they see in movies how it easy to kill any person they do not think about consequences, or actors die in one movie and revive in another it seems easy for children to kill or to become alive.
    Moreover, it is crucial to highlight that tv is an grate attraction for any child, even elder people cannot force themselves to avoid watching tv. When people watch tv they cannot do anything else, tv like magnet attract people. Therefore because of tv children start pay less attention to their lessons, they want to finish lessons as fast as they can and watch their lovely cartoon or movie. Furthermore tv have negative effect on childrenís health, because of television children start pay less attention to physical activities, they become more lazy. According to statistics because of tv more and more people start wear glasses.
    On the other hand each coin has two sides its worst to highlight that there are some situations where my option not work because of tv people become aware about most things in the world. There are some channels that nurture kids to do good things; moreover there is many programs on tv which educate children.
    To sum up taking into account all reasons and details listed above i would like to accentuate that tv have harmful effect on kids first reason is tv become brutal today and the second reason is tv is an grate attraction for any child, even elder people cannot force themselves to avoid watching tv

  1. Gnome's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: please check my essay and give me some suggestions

    Hello, my edits will be made in red. I'm not a teacher, but I hope I can help you anyways. :)

    Television has become one of the most influential innovations of the 20th century. It totally has changed our style of living. Television has good and bad influences on people. Some people think that we should allow kids to watch TV whenever they want. Others think contrary to them. I strongly believe that TV has harmful effects on kids. Below I would like to illustrate several reasons and examples to support my point of view.

    First and foremost I would like to mention that TV has become brutal today. Children at an early age absorb everything like a sponge; however, they cannot distinguish between bad and good and that is why when they watch television. They do not sort (use a different verb) information that they get from television. It affects physiology (go into detail or use a better word, physiology is a field of study) of kids in negative way. Kids are becoming much more aggressive after the watching TV. For instance, (comma is not needed, but I'd add it) they see in movies how it's easy to kill any person. They do not think about consequences. or actors die in one movie and revive in another it seems easy for children to kill or to become alive. Children may get the impression that they can be resurrected if they are ever killed or mortally wounded (this last passage seems a bit out of order, yet I'm going to cram in a revision anyways).

    Moreover, it is crucial to highlight indicate that TV is an great attraction for any child. Even elderly people cannot force refrain (or a better word) themselves to avoid from watching TV. When people watch TV, they cannot do anything else; TV is like a magnet that attracts people. Therefore, because of TV, children start to pay less attention to their lessons. They want to finish lessons as fast as they can, so that they can watch their lovely cartoon or movie. Furthermore, TV has a negative effect on children’s health. Because of television, children start to pay less attention to physical activities; they become more lazy lazier. According to statistics Because of TV, more and more people start wear glasses.

    On the other hand, each coin has two sides: it's worst to point out that there are some situations where my option does not work. Because of TV, people become aware about most things in the world. There are some channels that encourage kids to do good things; moreover, there is many programs on TV that educate children.

    Taking into account all reasons and details listed above, I would like to accentuate () that TV has harmful effects on kids. First reason is TV has become brutal today, and the second reason is TV is a great attraction for any child. Even elderly people cannot help themselves.

    You should work on learning the rules of basic sentence structure. You had too many run-on sentences, and you forgot to add many commas. Please also use semicolons and periods where they are needed. Capitalize "TV" and other abbreviations. Use clauses effectively, and do not over use them. Make sure you know what a word means before using it, and don't be afraid to mix up sentences to give your reader a bigger variety of sentences that keeps him/her interested.

    Overall, this was a good essay. Just keep studying, my friend!
    Last edited by Gnome; 01-May-2010 at 05:57.

  2. Raymott's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: please check my essay and give me some suggestions

    Television became/was one of the most influential innovations of the 20th century. It totally changed our style of life.

    It's now the 21st century. The simple past sounds better here, at least in the first sentence, because you've nominated a specific time in the past. In the second sentence, you have a choice.
    Last edited by Raymott; 02-Apr-2010 at 08:50.


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    #4

    Re: please check my essay and give me some suggestions

    thank you so much Gnome.
    i will try to avoid such kind of mistakes. Again thank you, youíve been a great help

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